Wary

OK said to be wary, cautious, etc.

How can I be anything else?

He called me this morning and told me what a great time he'd had with me yesterday and how comfortable he'd felt at my house. He mentioned the gratitude I expressed to him yesterday at his helping me. Honestly, I was so thankful for his help yesterday that I had a difficult time expressing my thanks without welling up with tears. Seeing him working, letting him help me made him awfully loveable.

I know he loves me.

But he is still with her.

As long as he is with her he is not truly with me.

He keeps telling me he wants to do things right. Yesterday he told me he would resolve things with her, but that he wants to remain friends. I know they have years of history, but I also know that there has to come a point when he cuts it off. Completely. What is the point in waiting, dragging it out? I know he does so only because he does not want it to end with her. He does not want it to be over.

Therein lies the problem.

As much as he wants to be with me, to help me, to love me, to talk about future plans, he still wants to be with her too. He is still with her.

I now feel as if we have reached the point where the married man is telling his mistress that he wants to leave his wife... but never does it, just keeps promising and talking about how difficult it is, how he doesn't want to hurt her. It is a cliche.

Know that I did not let him help me yesterday to use him. I love him. And, yes, I need the help. From him, from anyone who can and will help me. I'll even pay for the help. It has nothing to do with Rover. That my gratitude for his help overwhelms me is beside the point. I was relieved when the concrete guys came and, likewise, when the patio guy was here. I wasn't overwhelmed by them because I have no emotional history with them.

So as much as I need his help, I cannot be sucked back in. As honest as I truly feel he is being with me about where things stand with Lips, I cannot let myself get caught up in his fantasy about the things he says he'd like to do with me in the future (e.g., go to mass, go camping, help him paint his house, go to Vegas or Arizona, etc.).

We cannot have a future until we have a now.

And we don't have a now until Lips is out of the picture.

It's not enough to let things with her fade away naturally. That will take forever. It has to be clear. There has to be a breaking point. And until there is, there can be no us.

I'll tell him that. Not tonight. Not tomorrow at work. Not Wednesday if we go out so that I can introduce RoomyEx to ElmerFudd, but soon thereafter. Very soon thereafter.

He Came For Coffee

Passing through on his way home from the River yesterday, Rover called and asked if I wanted to buy him a cup of coffee.

He ended up hanging my gates, installing their hardware, helping me rip out my newly installed channel drain and, finally, sledge-hammering up all the concrete under the drain. Then we went to Yardbirds, bought some lumber, and he set up a new system into which we will pour concrete in the future.

We talked about religion and about the future....

He mentioned various things he wants to do with me in the future. I told him it was difficult for me to talk about the future with him because I don't feel like we're going to have one. He assured me that we will.

I remain reluctant to pin hope on a future.

It got late and we ordered a pizza and sat eating it foot to foot on my long couch. We hugged and snuggled and he was generally very good and did not grope me. I asked him to stay. He did.

Here I am again.

A Jolly Holiday

RoomyEx invited me to go to Scotland with her for Xmas this year...and then added that, since we're abroad, we may as well go somewhere fun for New Year's. How about Barcelona?

Shit yeah!

So I've posted the days off I need from work on the trade board with a headline that reads: Help Morgan Celebrate Christmas in Europe.

Wish me luck.

I was going to go to Jamaica on my own, but when I told RoomyEx my plans, she said, "Why don't you come with me?" Scotland, London and Barcelona sound much more festive, don't they? Yes sireee! I'm very excited.

* * * *
This weekend it's get the house in order for my new roomy (a friend of RoomyEx). I'll think of a pseudonym for her in good time. I'm looking forward to having her company, but I'm still a little apprehensive about sharing my space after living alone and/or with RacerEx for so long. I suppose if it doesn't work out, she can find another place. But I think, overall, it will be a positive experience. I like her. It will be nice to get to know and get closer to another girlfriend.

* * * *
Cutting off RacerEx has been easier than I'd thought. After that initial day or two of boo-hooing, he has pretty much left my brain. He sent me an email the other day, but I never answered it. When I saw him downtown today, I drove right past, pretending I didn't see him. Normally, I would have stopped and said hello; but, honestly, I didn't feel like it. There's no point. While we'll always have a connection and a good rapport, things between us are finished, and I'm okay with that. I don't miss him or think of him much anymore. As RoomyEx always says, "You're not done until you're done." I'm done.

* * * *
Not so, Rover. Still can't get him off my brain. He occupies practically every waking moment. I don't get it. Perhaps it's that I am forced to see him at work.... Although I've worked side-by-side with ex's before and it hasn't been like this. I think this time it is because neither of us want to stop seeing one another. So it's not as if he's done with me and I just have to suck it up and take it, you know?

We worked together yesterday. He was gone all day at a drill, but afterwards he came into the workout room to chat with me. Later, we sat in his room and discussed his first trial. Near the end of our discussion, I asked if he was going to change stations at the end of the year. He said most likely he would and then told me he'd been asked if he would like to go to another station. He told me the solicitation had come on one of our particularly ugly days and that he'd answered yes.

I told him that I supposed it was for the better, that we are done and there's no reason to stay working together, that it only complicates things and makes it impossible to move on. He asked me, "When you say 'it's done,' are you saying that it's done for you?"

"No," I answered, "but we're still done." I fumbled for words, telling him I thought I understood things, but that I still often feel confused about it all. I told him I had given much thought to his telling me that I need to keep in mind how things between us all began--an affair. I told him I know it was just an affair, no different from the others he'd had--

There he stopped me and said, "Morgan, no it wasn't just like the other times. Not at all."

Then he said, "Morgan, I really don't think things are going to last too much longer with Lips. But I have to do this right. For once in my life I have to conduct things right, with her, with you, with everyone. I have been extremely honest with you about what is going on, and I want to always be honest with you from here on out. I can't get you out of my head and I miss you terribly. But you can't ever be invisible again, I can't and won't do that to you again...." His voice started to break and tears welled up behind his eyes.

Then the tones went off and a run came in, so we had to leave our conversation right there.

So I am once again left with a lot to contemplate but with no tangible anything.

I want to hold out for him, but I will not do that. I will still move forward under the assumption that he and Lips are together for now and for the long haul. I will continue to put myself out there and date if the opportunity arises and spend time with my girlfriends.

As with everything, time will tell.

As for what would happen if we were to get together, to start over again, I can't even imagine how that would go. It seems impossible to me. So I will push it out of my mind--at least I will try my best to give it little play.

* * * *
Anyhow, it's 7:30 and I'm home alone for the evening for a change. I think I'll kick back with my TiVo, catch up on what's recorded and work on that blanket I started crocheting this last Spring.

Oh yeah, tomorrow I think I'm going to go check out the local temple. I'm feeling in need of a community/spiritual connection, and the local temple might be just the place to find it. I've never been to temple before (not by my own volition anyway), so it should prove interesting. Even if I don't go again.

As usual, I am in motion.

Cut Offs

Had to cut off RacerEx the day before yesterday.

When he called Thursday afternoon to say hi and to firm up our plans for a Friday nite movie, he told me he'd been out on a bike ride (a frickin' long one) with some girl from his firehouse. As soon as he mentioned it, I started feeling sick to my stomach and quietly started to cry. Things got awkward on the phone. I asked if she liked him; he said she has a boyfriend. I said that makes no difference--he should know that. He didn't volunteer that he had no interest in her; he said nothing to reassure me; he pretty much said nothing except that he felt awkward and would call me later.

I, upset, told him I didn't want him to hang up and told him I felt jealous and worried that he was going to go off and meet someone else and that I just can't handle hearing about it. He said something about feeling no emotions for anyone and not wanting to. Period. I asked why it was then that we were fooling around. He said he guessed we shouldn't anymore. He repeated how he felt awkward and again tried to excuse himself off the phone, saying he would call me later.

I told him, "No."

"What?" he said.

"I said no. Don't call me later. To talk about what? There's no point." And I meant it. After all, if we couldn't talk about it then, what was there to talk about later? We hung up.

I will not talk to him anymore except for dog exchanges and business. I do not want his friendship. He is not a good friend. He can go be emotionless with someone new, someone who has no history, someone who he cannot hurt by feeling nothing. I am not interested in an emotionless relationship with him. Sorry, Charlie.

So I cut him off. I cut Rover off. Everyone's cut off. Finally.

It's been a rough couple of days. Yesterday was good because I was at the office and around jolly, happy people. Today is more difficult. I feel down. Alone. But I am pre-menstrual, so maybe that explains it. Still...

I read the post from the other day about feling good. It did me no good. I feel like crying.

Oh well. Gotta go clean out the hot tub.

Something to Remember

This morning in the shower, I realized I feel good.

Without Rover and without RacerEx I am doing fine. I am glad I nipped the Rover thing in the bud. I only lost a few hours and a few tears over this recent round, but now I am fine.

I want to remember how good I feel right now in case I fall back into seeing him again and start to feel bad. I want to remember that I can feel good and that it is better to feel this way without him than to feel bad, insecure, etc., with him.

Grey Gloom

Where is our summer? Our Fall? Too late for one, too early for the other?

The weather is so grey lately. It's good for jogging and for my plants, but jeeez! would be nice to have a little sunshine.

Slept well last night. I have YellowDog for the next few days. God but I love that dog. She has grown accustomed to not having me in her life anymore. I can tell. That's okay. She's happy. I'm glad for that. She's a great companion. And isn't that a great picture of her?!

Gotta go for my run. Talk to y'all later.

Still Hooked In

Rover still affects my day-to-day life, but I'm definitely getting better.

After his visit to me to fix the electrical stuff and his talk with me about where things stand with him and Lips, he began calling me in the mornings, leaving me cute little messages. They were really nice to receive and I told him so, thus encouraging more calls. On Sunday, while with Lips for the weekend, he didn't call.

Sunday nite I called him and asked him for clarification about what he and I had talked about the previous week at my house. When he told me he basically will hang in there with Lips and try to continue to see her in any capacity possible, I told him I think it better that he not call me regularly, especially if said regularity is interrupted because he is with her and I am, once again, invisible to family, friends, girlfriend, etc.

He blew up, had a spaz, etc.

We had a long, long talk and in the end, and after many tears, he agreed not to call me again until (if and when) he breaks up with Lips. I was all upset and spent some of yesterday recovering.

So I lapsed a little, but nipped it quickly in the bud. I feel pretty good about that.

After all, I am not going to let him worm his way back into my heart while he is still with her. I am not going to subject myself to that heartache.

I will not be there for him during the rocky times with her so that he has someone to "talk to" until things smooth over for them and they are again on better terms. He needs to talk to her. If he cannot, well, that is his/their problem.

I will not be there to supplement for him what is missing from their relationship so he can drag things out with her in a more satisfying manner while continuing to string me along, hiding me from his family and from the world. I will not be invisible. The affair is over. My terms are clear: we are either dating or not. If not, he's on his own with her.

I will not provide him with entertainment, conversation, sex, etc. now that the summer is coming to a close and the weather has turned unseasonably cold. It frosts me that he dumped me just before the July 4th weekend and before the summer at the River began. He can find something else to do, somewhere else to go.

* * * *
I am not saying that I am over him or through with him or that I would not take him back. I am not saying that I do not think about him all the time. On the contrary. I am still in love with him. But my actions from this point forward will be different. I have nothing to lose. He is already gone and was never mine in the first place. I may fall down, but I will collect myself as quickly as possible and steel myself from unnecessary pain. I will not let him use me or mistreat me as he has done in the past. If he does not want me on my terms--or at least on some terms in which the compromise is acceptable to both of us--then he can find someone else.

If I am alone for the rest of my life, so be it.

I am done with what we had. It's forward or nowhere with him.

I am in motion.

Empowering

The apathy I suddenly feel towards my romantic future is actually rather empowering. What is it about men that draws them to me when I am suddenly disinterested? Who knows.

Anyhow, RacerEx called me two days in a row. The first day he called 'just to say hi," but the conversation fell flat because his call took me off guard and I had little to say or invest. Yesterday he called me at work to tell me my boobs looked fantastic in my t-shirt at work. Uh, okay, thanks, I guess.

But I'm just not invested in the calls, in the contact.

Sorry, RacerEx, but I guess you've lost me. I just can't put any more energy into "us" when there's no "us" developing.

* * * *
Worked with Rover yesterday, too. He was in good spirits and our rapport took on a life more like it used to be before our affair--jolly and silly. It was nice. He kept looking at me with those "I love you so much" eyes, but I didn't return them. At one point, I took him upstairs and trimmed his out-of-control-Groucho-Marx eyebrows and had much fun with him. At the end, he reached out to take my hand, but I handed him the pair of scissors instead. He extended his hand one more time, thinking I may have misunderstood his gesture, but I just handed him the toothbrush I'd been using to comb up his brows. He gave up, getting the message that I am not available to him in that way anymore.

I have decided he is more in love with the tragedy of not having me than the pleasure of being with me.

That's fine.

* * * *
Gotta go clean my bathroom.

See ya.

Finally

In regards to my last post...

To be honest, I just don't care anymore. About Match.com, about whether RacerEx wants me back, about whether Rover chooses Lips over me.

Any of it.

I just don't care.

I thought about re-establishing my ad on Match, but, you know what? I just don't feel like it. I've got things to do, friends to visit, projects to complete.

And I don't need to just get laid.

And I don't even feel as if I need love in my life anymore. I mean, shoot, I've been without it for so long now, I realize it's just not going to make or break me.

I mean, I guess I'll meet someone eventually, but, honestly, something in me has changed. I don't know if it's that I've been alone this long now, or the HepC thing, or what, but I just feel different.

And I don't want to talk about everything ad infinitum with my partners anymore. If RacerEx has something he thinks he wants to say but doesn't know what it is, well, guess what? I'm not going to draw it out of him at midnight on the night before one of my few days off. I'm not going to get all bent out of shape because he doesn't feel lovey-dovey towards me anymore and doesn't want to kiss and hug me when we go out. I'm just not going to do it anymore. And I'm not going to cry while Rover tells me what's going on in his life or when he looks at me longingly with his sad, sad doe eyes. I'm sick of it. All you people have made choices. I've made mine. If they don't meet up, well, too bad.

Last night, RacerEx twice said that he'd had a good time with me. I agreed less than enthusiastically. He pressed me, well, hadn't I had a good time? It was okay, not exactly a hoot or anything. And this morning I realized, no, I hadn't had a great time. Sitting in a theater next to someone I want to kiss but who doesn't want to kiss me back is not a great time. Later sitting next to that same disinterested man in a bar full of cute firemen and being unable to flirt because I'm with said disinterested man is not a great time, and watching T.V. with same said distinterested man who only wants to have sex with me but not spend the night or expend any emotions on me does not constitute a good time in my book.

It was a mediocre time, and I don't know when I'm going to subject myself to it again.

What's the point? Friendship? What kind of friend wants to fuck you but doesn't offer help when you tell him you're overwhelmed with projects and need some help? A bad friend. A friend who's not a friend at all. So, I ask again, what's the point?

No point.

I suppose companionship is the point, but, honestly, I can go to the movies by myself and then take myself out for a drink and not have to buy anyone elses. Then I can go home to my house, eat my own sandwhich and go to be when I feel like it--alone--just as I did after going out with RacerEx.

Okay, I'm rambling. I've got to get back to my room. I was just thinking, tho.

Conclusions

So after the Hep-C news from TheGreek, I pulled my ad off Match.com. I just felt discouraged at my prospects. But now I have absolutely none. I can't even contemplate meeting someone to date. So I think I'll put my ad back up. No harm in it, I suppose.

Went to movies last night with RacerEx. He really gives off no emotion towards me, no fondness, no sparkle. So I gave up.

My original thought was that we would go out, see a movie, catch some dinner and a few drinks, and then go back to his place or mine and fool around; but the truth is, since TheGreek, I have come to the conclusion that there's no point in fooling around with someone who is not my boyfriend. It's just not worth the disease (or emotional) risk.

And since RacerEx gives off absolutely no vibes of interest, love or affection, I decided, "Fuck this," and cut the drinks portion of our evening short (one quick drink only). I told him I was going to go back to my place and make myself a PB&J sandwich. He told me he loves PB&J, hinting that he wanted me to make him one, too. So I did.

After sandwiches, I said, "Well?...," hinting that the eveing was coming to a close for me. But he did not take the hint. So I offered him the couch a the TiVo. We watched The Gilmore Girls. He proceeded to rub my back. I let him, and then we traded off. He started to make it sexual, but I refused to acknowledge it. It got late.

Finally, back rubs done, we sat expectantly side by side (him waiting for sex, I suppose, me waiting for him to leave or say something or whatever). I asked him if he had something to say. He said he thought so but wasn't sure what it was (what the fuck?). He put his outstretched legs over the top of mine.

After a few more minutes of stupid silence, I said, "Well, do you want to spend the night?"

"I don't think I should," he said, offering no further explanation.

"Okay, that's fine. You're not my boyfriend and we're not dating, so...," I replied, wishing I hadn't offered because I had known what his response would be. "Well, I want to go to bed then," I continued.

"Okay." I walked him to the door. "Are you mad?" he asked.

"No." I said, shrugging. And I wasn't. I just didn't see the point in sitting expectantly on the couch for the next few minutes and then turning him down for sex. I don't need the stupid awkwardness of the situation. It was like being a couple of teenagers who don't know how to talk about it. And that's just lame. I'm too old for that.

There's no point in having sex with him again. Or anyone for that matter, unless we're involved and committed.

So that's where I am.

Alone.

Who cares.

What Now?

Rover came over tonight to help me with some electrical work.

It was awkward at first. On the phone, he'd told me not to eat anything, that he wanted to have dinner with me, but I wasn't really in the mood to hang with him much.

He worked in silence. I turned on a CD and packed up my broken window shade to be mailed off and repaired.

He told me he misses me. I told him I miss him too, but so what. Missing one another changes nothing and doesn't make anything any better; it makes it worse, harder.

We sat quietly together on my couch as we waited for half-an-hour, as prescribed by the lighting fixture instructions, to ensure the fixture did not heat up.

Finally, he started to talk. He asked me, "After your vacation with RacerEx [the last one in which I declared I was no longer in love with him], what did you and he talk about?"

I told him I couldn't really remember but that we always had gotten along well, even during our times of trouble and that while we were fighting more and more often, we were still able to talk about everything. "Why?" I asked him.

"Because Lips and I can't talk about things."

"What kind of things?"

"Well, like our future together."

"Why not?"

"I guess we never talked about it in the past. And I think she wants me to move in with her."

"You think she does, or she DOES?"

"She does."

"And you don't want to?"

He shook his head, "No. Absolutely not."

"Well, it sounds as if you two have nothing to discuss. What would there be to talk about? You two have no future. You want things to stay exactly the same, to be just as they've always been. She wants something different, more."

"I don't think I want things the way they were."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't stop thinking about you. When I'm with her I'm lonely."

Long pause from me.... "Were you lonely when you were with me?"

"No."

"Not at all? You didn't miss her when we spent that month together?"

"Not when I was with you. I had a great time with you."

"Are you sure you just don't want me when you can't have me and vice versa?"

"I'm sure of it." Blah, blah, blah.

* * * *
Anyway, we talked along those lines for a while. He said lots of things to me, told me he wants to be with me, etc., but that he wants to do it right this time. He told me he wants to help me fix my place and go camping with me and watch me fish. He told me he wants to move up north to his house near mine.

He told me lots of things.

He told me he wants to do it right, that he wants to do it right both with me and with her, that he likes her and wants to break up with her properly, that he wants to maintain good relations with her, etc.

He said a lot of things that made me feel loved and made me feel good and comfortable and secure for the first time ever.

* * * *
He always paints such pretty pictures.

Were he an artist he would be famous.

* * * *
I sent him on his way, telling him we would see..., and to drive safely.

* * * *
Wednesday I am going to the movies with RacerEx.

That's all. Nite.

Oh yeah, TheGreek has Hep-C. Yikes! Glad I took things super slowly with him. Glad he was honest. Sorry Greek, I just can't do it.

Home Again

I was house sitting for the last 11 days; thus, no posts.

Came home to a broken fence, my half-done yard, and a broken kitchen window shade.

I hate living here.

I hate living alone.

I need help.

I can't take care of myself, and it makes me angry...and upset.

Some guy quoted me $825 to finish my patio--a one-day job. Fucker!

I hate living here. Wish I could just sell the house and get the hell out, but the yard is a disaster and I can't sell it like this.

I'm in a shitty mood.

It sucks to be home.