Eyes Wide Open

I've been having a bit of insomnia again lately. Like tonite. Like last night. Grrrrr. Insomnia usually brings negative thoughts/ruminations with it. Last night I took a sleeping pill. I just took one again about 15 minutes ago. I can't do negative thoughts. They just keep me awake.

Besides, I've been feeling lonely for the last two days. I've been off work for a long time now since the ankle sprain and it's truly time to get back to work. My house is immaculate; my yard is fairly well tended. I can't sit home and clean anymore.

So, yeah, I'm a bit lonely.

Lonely for Rover, that is. Part of it is that I've spent the last four days alone and have only spent one night with him since Sunday. Tomorrow I have class, so I won't get to spend the day with him. Part of it is that I'm looking to the future. There's a promotional exam coming up in late November and he has to study for it. I understand that, and I will try to be good, but I know it's going to take him away from me. He says he wants to study with me next to him, but I know that won't work. It never does. He never gets anything done when we're together. He has to isolate himself from me. Besides, he's formed a study group with some other guys (and I'm not included), so he'll be with them. And then there's his legal work. And the firehouse.

And now I have a class every Saturday for a while.

So. It's not looking so good for us.

I'll try to be patient. But patience is not my strong suit, not a virtue I possess.

So I worry. Fret. Feel lonely.

I've been busy lately, but it still doesn't make up for coming home every night to an empty house and an empty bed.

I worry it's a sign of things to come, things that have arrived.

After all, after the "honeymoon" phase is over, don't we all just default back to the way we've always been? And his M.O. is busier than god.

Alas, I fear.

* * * * *
Good news is I've been working out like a mo-fo. I feel good. More energetic than when on the Celexa.

My innards are still giving me some trouble tho. I've been in pain for the last several weeks. The pain is localized and has increased, becoming sharper. I have more tests to come, altho my biopsy from the other day was normal. So that's good. Next I get an ultra sound. They've yet to do bloodwork. Hope it's something simple.

Side Bar

Justin, I've posted two comments on your blog, but they don't show up. Just so you know. Hope all's well.

The Diet's Going Well

I've only gained two pounds.

What, Me Worry?

Women problems.

I'm off in about an hour to go get an intsy-winsy biopsy of my internal bits .

Because I am such a freak, I made the doctor prescribe me an Ativan, which I will take along with the prophylactic Motrin he recommended. The last time I had something done like this my mom was in town, I took two Ativan, had a margarita after the procedure and conked out for 16 hours.

Where courage is lacking there are always pharmaceuticals.

I hate having pieces of me snipped out. It's just not natural.

Last night I dreamt about the procedure and the doctor in my dream used the word carcinoma. Guess I have cancer on my mind. No history in the family, but with what I do for a living, I don't suppose it matters who had what down the family line.

* * * *
Picked up a good book at the bookstore yesterday: Mayflower about the Pilgrims. I like early American history.

* * * *
I need to learn to sew. Not with a machine (altho that would be great too), but by hand.

I took "shop" instead of Home Ec. Wish I'd taken Home Ec now.

Anyhow, gotta go get snipped at. Wish me luck.

Nothing--No Dirt, No Fat

So this "diet" I'm on. Remember I said I was losing about 1/2 pound per day.

WRONG!!!

I've lost nothing. No weight, nothing.

My only hope is I'm converting fat to muscle by working out more again, thus explaining the poundage equilibrium. My stomach does look flatter. Hmmmm.

* * * *
Cleaning lady and her helper are here now. Yahoo! I've been running around over the last several days picking up, putting back and throwing out clutter around my house. When she finally got here and my bedroom was in a state a person could actually clean and not organize, I could see the dirt, dust and smudges. I really needed some help. This house is just too big for me, for one person, for one person who is barely here. I can keep it picked up, but I don't have the time, energy or desire to keep it spit-spot. Nice to see it getting dusted. Poor furniture, they've been smothering.

* * * *
I'm feeling better. I was going to stop seeing HeadShrinker, but when I finished my "closing session" last night, we determined I should just keep on coming for a while. But I'll never be truly "fixed" will I? I keep thinking I should go it on my own.

Anyhow, I've got stuff to do. Gotta go.

Funk

Woke up feeling crummy.

Slept horribly because my mouth kept drying out and my nose was congested so I had to keep breathing out of my mouth. Thus, after 2:30 a.m., I awoke about every 15-20 minutes with a horribly dry mouth.

Also had alcohol last night, three drinks. That's three drinks too many, and I felt hung over. It was better when I wasn't drinking anything.

Have been having trouble sleeping, so I've been using my sleeping pills on several nights.

All combined I think it's having a negative effect.

Fought with Rover this morning as he left to go watch his best buddy's kid's football game. He's mad that I didn't want to go with him and said he's mad that I sprung it on him at the last minute, that I should have told him yesterday or at least earlier this morning. Sorry. I guess I should have told him ealier. I just called and apologized for not having done so. He apologized for having a snit.

Fact is I don't want to go to kiddie foot ball every weekend. That's part of the reason why we went to Oregon, yes, all the way to Oregon. We went to watch his 10-year-old nephew play foot ball and his 12-year-old niece play soccer. Fine. But I don't want to do that every weekend. I don't even want to do it semi-regularly. Every once in a while is okay, but not all the time. We used to just show up for the last half of the game, but when I suggested we go late today, Rover said no. But to me they're boring events. I can only be polite for so long. I don't want to stand around for an hour and a half. I can be happily doing other things.

So now when I think about what I missed in not being a parent, instead of having regret, I'm thankful. I would hate to have to go to all those stupid games just to be a "good mother."

* * * *
Blah. I just feel like crap today. My mood is crap. I think I'll go try to take a nap. Maybe I'll feel better if I get some sleep.

Slowly, Slowly

Perhaps one of the most important things to remember when on a diet is that it took years to gain the weight you now possess and that it's completely unrealistic to expect years of accumulated blubber to disappear over night--or even in a couple of weeks.

Still, it's difficult to be patient. I've been weighing myself every morning, logging the weight onto a piece of paper, and seem to be dropping about half a pound a day, give or take (mostly give). What that amounts to is about 2 pounds so far.

I'm sure that some of that, if not most, is water weight. The trick is not to be fooled by water fluctuations and stop the diet prematurely. Assuming my weight this morning is correct, I only really want to lose about five more pounds, but I think I should shoot for eight and try to balance from there.

Five to eight pounds may seem like a silly amount of weight to be losing, but I want to be lean like I was two years ago (Justin, you saw my bikini picture. I think I looked great, don't you?) And it's not as if I'm "fat." I'm just fatter than I like to be. But losing those last few pounds is probably the most difficult for anyone.

I believe every body has a natural "set point," a place/weight/body fat content your body likes to be or tends to stay at. My body seems to set itself at or about 151-154 lbs when I'm fit and muscular (depending on time of the month and/or if I've eaten salty, water-retaining foods). At this set weight, I have full boobs and a pretty good butt, but my stomach isn't flat, I have fat pad over my hip bones, I have noticeable bra fat, and my upper arms get fairly big. I've even noticed this time around (and at this age?) I have cellulite on my fat where I never had it before (like on my arms???!!!). The positive thing is that my fat is fairly well distributed around my upper body (i.e., no icky saddle bags or a huge stomach or anything).

At my desired weight, between 138-143, I have a great, flat stomach, my arms tone down and I lose the bra fat. I can wear low-rise pants without fear, and I feel like I look fantastic. The only drawbacks are that my ass flattens out and I lose 1/2 to a whole cup size--and I don't like that. My face also gets pretty thin, but my arms and stomach? Love 'em.

So is there a compromise? Would I look acceptable (to myself) at the 142-145 range? If so, how do I keep it there? Assuming I even get there.... How do I maintain any weight lower than my set point?

I mean, it seems much easier to just lose weight or gain weight. Either eat like a sparrow or eat like a pig. There don't seem to be many options in between.

You may think that sounds rather extreme, but here's the problem. I have a sweet tooth. A big one. So, at home, I don't buy the stuff. Come to my house on any given day and look for a treat. The best you'd find is some cinnamon and some sugar that you could combine to make some cinnamon-sugar toast... if you could find bread and/or butter, neither of which are staples at my house. So managing at home is no problem.

But then there's the firehouse. And let's face it, the firehouse is my other home. I live there 1/3 of my life. A few days every week (or more if I'm covering someone else's shift), I arrive at 7:00 in the morning on one day, spend the entire day there, sleep there, and then leave at 8:00 the next morning.

When I arrive at the firehouse, chances are that sitting on the counter and at the dining table are at a minimum one of, or more likely several of, the following: cake, pie, cookies, doughnuts, brownies, candy, coffee cake, bagels, chips, pretzels, etc. In addition, the previous night's left overs are out for consumption as well: skirt steak, chicken Parmesan, pesto pasta, cheesy pasta, red sauce pasta, etc. Whatever. Anything and everything delicious and filled with butter and fat. There it all sits, just waiting to be eaten, calling out to the passerby, "EAT ME." (And the kitchen is literally in the main communications room so you can't really avoid it.)

Dutifully, I try to avoid all the tasty temptations by making myself a bowl of oatmeal with dried fruit. But eventually, as the day wears on and the goodies remain out staring me down, I lose my will. A slice of the pan of brownies, the sugary top of the peach pie... then the peach filling inside... then another small slice of brownie. A few BBQ chips, a piece of skirt steak. So basically, I had breakfast and a bunch of crap. Oh, and then it's time for lunch. So I eat lunch. I have to eat lunch because all I've been eating all morning is crap and I know I can't run on sugar alone. After lunch, the afternoon wears on in the same manner. Between runs and working out, there's plenty of time to graze. And then, of course, the cook is making dinner preparations, usually involving dessert, so....

You get the picture.

So it's tough.

That's why I'm so strict at home.

So how do I do it? How do I muster up the will power? What mind game haven't I yet invented to combat the cravings? How do I find balance? Right now while I'm off with my sprained foot (which is healing very nicely, so much so that I can do the stationary bike) it's easy. There are no temptations. I can go to the gym every day. I am active.

I am going to have to be strong.

Damn it's hard.

* * * *
Anyway, enough of that. I have to get going. Off to the gym, market, tanning place, etc..... Have a good weekend.

In Quest of Flavor

So I've started this diet, right? And, for the most part, I can have pretty good will power when I put my mind to it--or play sufficient mind games with myself.

But here's the thing: I'm lazy. At least when it comes to cooking I am.

Eating healthy and cutting calories combined with a disdain for cooking don't really go together. Now some of you might pipe up that there are plenty of frozen low-cal meals out there that one can just pop into the microwave or oven. But seriously, does anyone really think that stuff is food? And has anyone read the ingredients, let alone looked at the sodium content, of those frozen meals? Besides, eating the 1/4 ounce of chicken and the two peas, the three carrots and the twig of broccoli they pack into one of those dinners is laughable if you're trying to feel full and not hit the high-calorie snacks after that pitiful "meal."

And let's be honest, steamed veggies are bland, bland, bland and get boring pretty fast.

So here's what I did. I went to Trader Joe's and bought a bunch of those little bags of veggies that say "microwave in this bag" on the front of the package. They're more expensive than the veggies you buy in bulk at regular markets, but not that much more. And I'm talking fresh veggies, such as snow peas, baby zucchini, summer squash, butternut squash, broccoli, etc. If you like, you can eat them right out of the bag, steam them plain in the bag as shown, or, as I discovered today in Safeway, add a little bit of good old water and a delicious substance called McCormick Veggie Steamers (garlic & basil). I ignored the directions on the back of the Veggie Steamers pouch because I figured the amount of seasoning in the packet would be way too much and way too strong (and I was right), so I just added some water and a small amount of the spices to my veggies in their original bag, popped them into the micro and, voila!, fresh veggies with flavor and NO CLEAN UP!!!!!

And the gooey, garlicy sauce was delicious with my BBQ'd turkey breast too. Two flavor birds with one stone.

Anyhow, just thought I'd share my revelation.

* * * *
Oh yeah, it's really nice to be on vacation at home. I like being home several days in a row, as it allows me to clean up my place, shop and eat better and get into a healthier exercise routine. That's all for now. Bye.

Cleansed

Well, the cleanse is officially over for me. What a whimp, eh? Didn't even last 24 hours.

It started last night when I was absolutely famished and a friend of mine who has just broken up with his girlfriend asked if I'd have dinner with him. I thought I would just sit there while he ate, but it smelled so damn delicious in the restaurant that, being famished, I couldn't resist ordering. I ordered sensibly and only ate half of my chicken picatta dinner. Yum!

I went back home and decided to start anew, ending my evening with some laxative tea (lovely). This morning, as prescribed by the cleanse, I began the day with the saline "wash": 2 teaspoons uniodized salt in 4 cups of luke warm water. This "wash" is supposed to "rinse/scrape" some kind of plaque that forms on your intestine walls and aide in cleaning you out.

Now, I don't know about you, but drinking four cups of luke warm water first thing in the morning--or in one sitting at any time of day for that matter--is no easy task. Add to that water two small teaspoons of salt and you have an unimaginably vile concoction. Take my word for it. Or, for shits and giggles, try it for yourself.

Yesterday, trying to pretend I was just drinking a brothy kind of soup, I managed to injest about 3-1/2 cups.

Today, I vomited it up after the second swig.

For me, vomiting is my body telling me something: don't drink any more of this crap.

* * * *
I thought the cleanse would help me kick start a diet. Perhaps it did. Because as of today I am on a diet. No ice cream, no crap. I'm going to make some veggie soups and things today, healthy stuff. Oh yeah, and no beef for a while. Beef messes with my stomach lately. Lots of salad with very little dressing. And my vitamins. I should eat some fruit too. No more frosted shredded wheat.... that's sad. Shredded wheat is so yummy. Perhaps if I get the unfrosted kind..., but what's the point in that?

Anyhow, I'd better get moving. I've got to shop and mow the lawn. Wonder if that laxative tea will have me on the throne all day long. Hope not. Silly fast.

Cleansing

Did I mention I sprained my foot? I think I did. Well, timing is everything, because being off of work makes for a perfect time to do my Master Cleanse. Additionally, I forgot to bring my birth control pills along on Rover's and my little vacation in Oregon, so I'm completely drug free right now. That makes it doubly a good time to do a fast/cleanse.

For a week or more, I'm supposed to drink nothing more than this lemon-maple syrup concoction along with lots of water and nightly laxative tea. Hmmmm. RoomyEx did it for 15 days and said she had plenty of energy. So far, it's 2:00, and I'm starving!!! Don't know how long I can keep it up, but I'll give it a try.

* * * *
Still no head meds. Still feel really happy. I'm more emotional and I cry more easily, but my tears don't last long. And they're not bad tears. Often, I feel completely sappy about Rover and when I tell him how I feel, my eyes well up. So those are good tears. And then, like this weekend, sometimes they're tears of self-pity, wishing I'd had a life I didn't. But then I pull myself back in and remind myself to be thankful for what I have now.

I was sorting through a box this morning and came across some loose photos of my wedding day to RacerEx. He/we looked so young and happy. Looking at him made me miss him. So I welled up with tears and put the pictures away. No sense in thinking about it, things are they way they are.

* * * *
Still feeling somewhat muddle-headed and almost dizzy during much of the day. Perhaps less so, but it's difficult to tell. I'm hoping it's Celexa withdrawal, but I don't know. Around 4:00 or 4:30, I'm almost disablingly sleepy and it's all I can do to power through without a nap. With or without the nap, I'm not sleeping well at night like I did when I was on the Celexa. Slept better on the Celexa than I ever have in my life. Unfortunately, good sleep habits didn't carry over to non-Celexa life.

Drank some cocktails in Oregon, but I have to abstain again now that I'm on the cleanse. Good news is they didn't have any negative effect on my mood. But I didn't drink too much, and it was just over the weekend, so not exactly long-term use. Still, I will keep booze to a minimum or cut it out completely for long periods of time now.

* * * *
I need to diet. And exercise more.

* * * *
Phony nails are still looking GREAT! Nary a chip, split or crack. Polish is completely in tact, and I've been rough on them.

My advice: gel not acrylic.

* * * *
Gotta get going now. I've lost my camera battery charger and it's driving me nuts. Could swear I've been looking at it on my desk for the last several months, but no. Also, must go pick up for the cleaning lady who is coming by to give me an estimate.

See ya.

Taking Advantage

Sprained my foot at work yesterday. Bummer.

Luckily, it's my foot and not my ankle, which is a more complex area.

Even better, I was scheduled to start some vacation time today, so instead of losing the vacation time, I get the time off as paid disability time. Oh, lucky me.

Had my nails done. I rarely ever do my hands. No point. As a firefighter, my hands get so beat up, there's no room for foofy nails. Not even worth paying for a simple manicure. But today, since I'm off for the next few weeks, I did a gel wrap (as opposed to acrylic--I hate acrylic nails). They look great--very thin and natural looking. Had them put just a pinkish, clear coat over the top for a natural look. So far, the nail polish isn't even chipping, which seems to happen to me a lot, so....

* * * *
Still booze and meds free.

Still happy, happy, happy.

Rover and I are driving up to Oregon to visit his sister this weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

Sex life has taken a happy turn, as the meds were making me anorgasmic and messing with my ability to get wet. Oh happy day. Sex is good again and not frustrating. Yay me. Read an article in the E.R. yesterday that says omega-3 fats and dark chocolate are good for sex life. Perhaps that's what's helping, too, as I starting taking loads of vitamins last week--flax seed oil among them.

Felt like having a drink the other night but abstained. It's getting more difficult to resist, but I like the way I'm feeling, so I'll keep it up. I have a tentative date with the Rabbit and GirlFriday on the 16th. We'll booze and smoke it up then. Haven't smoked in months and months (more than a year even?--can't remember).

Started my diet today. Meds also made me gain weight and unable to control my appetite (never felt full). Wanted a big plate of chow fun today, but came home and ate a big salad instead. Not as delicious or as satisfying, but, well, I'm tired of feeling fat. I'll have a yoghurt too, to satisfy the sweet tooth.

* * * *
That's about it, I guess. Life is good. Even with a sprained foot.