Snug as a Bug

I feel so good so much of the time nowadays.

Rover and I continue to move forward, loving one another without drama. Somehow, we have become a good match. I guess there was a reason neither of us could let go of one another through all of the turmoil. This year marks our fourth year together--the best one by far.

I have more time off again, and I am loving it. I am getting fit again, which always makes me feel better about myself. I'm not losing any weight (which I'd like to do), but I still look good for 40, so I can't really complain. My house is clean and in fairly good order. My finances? Don't know yet, but I think I'm okay.

I continue in therapy every couple of weeks. I like it and think I am making some progress.

I am letting go of my relationship with RacerEx, putting into it only what I get from it--very little by friendship standards--and I am content with where it is.

* * * *
RoomyEx lost her baby after carrying it almost four months. This is her second loss. I fear she is too old to carry a normal, healthy child to term. She may have waited too long. She is going to try a few more times, but after these two, I have my doubts. She is so strong.

* * * *
That's about it. Life is steady. I'm going to go mow the lawn. It's almost too healthy!

OK, I'm thinking about you and your procedure. Good luck.

Dangling Conversation

The fine and delicate art of concise expression. It's difficult. Indeed.

I am coming to find that I can discuss everything with Rover. From marriage to having babies to our future as a couple or as individuals. Anything concrete and specific is open for discussion.

Feelings are another story.

For example, last night after a good night out, and after Rover extended several invitations for me to join him with various family members at upcoming events, I mentioned that I felt uncomfortable and apprehensive around his family because of our history, because of their attachment and involvement in his life with Lips, etc. Well, after much talking back and forth, he seemingly had no idea what I was talking about and keept taking the conversation in a different direction. So, as with the other night, I ended up frustrated and exasperated.

This time, unlike last time, I didn't burst into tears. This time, I clammed up; then he got angry and he clammed up; and we both went to bed angry, frustrated and silent. No make up session. No attempt at resolution. Just heavy silence, leaving us to our own private thoughts.... His, dwelling on god knows what. Mine, lingering on hopelessness, the inevitability of our impending dissolution, and, finally, and familiarly, the recognition that I cannot sustain a long-term love relationship with anyone and that I might as well just put a gun to my head and end it all.

What the fuck?

Isn't it amazing how I can come to such a dramatic conclusion in the span of about 10 minutes? What is up with me? Why do I do that to myself? Why is suicide alwasy the inevitable conclusion/solution?

Don't worry. Things are fine. I am okay. Still solid.

Things with Rover are different. He is strong. Stronger than RacerEx was/is. He helps me back to square one. I am shaken, but I am still whole.

* * * *
Last Saturday, I started upping my Celexa doses again. Things have been rocky with me emotionally for the last week or two, so.... I mean, look at last night's thought pattern. Not so good. Better to take the drugs and not let my mind drift to that dark place.

It's such a struggle to maintain balance.

But I will continue trying. With help, if that's what it takes.

* * * *
I remain grateful for the life I have. I enjoy my days and have a new, better attitude at the firehouse again. I needed an attitude adjustment.

Now if the sun would only come out again.

Gotta go.

Stress Resumes

So now that Roomy is gone along with her monthly rent check, the law office has also cut back my hours and has hired someone who costs half as much in my place. Can't say I blame them, as there really is no point in paying someone $35/hr. to file paper into drawers; but the financial stress is starting to worry me.

Lately, I have been having financial worries dreams.

And I am worried.

I really will have to cut back.

I know it is nice to have the extra time off, but it's so sudden. And all at once.

So I'm starting to feel a bit stressed out, and a little crabby, on edge. Not sleeping as well. Should I increase my Celexa again? Dunno. Isn't stress part of life? I think I should just try to learn to deal with it and/or look for a different job. Perhaps one that doesn't pay as well but one that is closer to home and perhaps has better/different hours.

Guess I'll just have to see how things go.

* * * *
Life with Rover continues to be good. Great. Love him.

I Am

I am grateful for many things today:

1. I have a nice home.
2. I have love in my life and have had love in my life.
3. I have retained a friendship with RacerEx.
4. I have a good, solid job which provides me enough money to live comfortably.
5. I am strong and healthy.
6. I am happy right now.
7. YellowDog.
8. Rover.
9. HeadShrinker.
10. Mom. I love her.

Chipper

Long time no write, eh? Just don't have the time or inclination anymore.

I guess things are good. Nothing to bitch about.

* * * *
I've begun weaning myself off of the Celexa. My reason for doing so is not that I feel so elated that I don't need it but because I feel normal again, meaning I can experience a full range of emotions again, like I've normalized or something. I will monitor my emotional progress carefully, and see how I do.

* * * *
Good work at HeadShrinker's the other day. Seems I can come to the point more quickly and am better able to discern what I need to work on. Last week I talked about my dis-ease with Rover's devotion turnabout and about how his new-found excitement for me makes me feel smothered which, in turn, makes me want to pull away and/or reject him in some way. I also came to the conclusion that I'm a good communicator when everything is going well, but when I start to have negative feelings about a relationship I am at a loss and am afraid to say anything because I am so afraid that expressing doubt or displeasure will shut my partner down and make him turn away from me. So we discussed these issues, among others, and she hooked them into my past experiences.

Then I went to Rover and we had a long talk. In many ways, I do not communicate well with him, and the talk was so frustrating that I began to sob uncontrollable at my inability to get my point across. He took me home (because we were out in public when I began crying), helped me into my p.j.'s and put his arms around me and told me he loves me and told me he wants me to talk to him, to tell him anything, and that he will try to understand. So I began again and, by the end, he still had absolutely no clue what I was talking about and was frustrated and upset because I was crying so hard at my inability to communicate.

He figured I was so upset because I was unhappy with him and with us. Why else, in his mind, would I be sobbing so uncontrollably? He wanted me to tell him something concrete, to tell him what was wrong, specifically, to tell him what I was unhappy about.

But I am not unhappy. About anything with him. He is being great. Wonderful. Everything I want. And so I told him I am not unhappy. Assured him, most definitely, that I am happy with him and with us but that it is more just that I am terrified to have faith in us, in me, in anything because nothing has ever worked out for me in the past, but that I love him and that I am just afraid to let myself.

So he took me in his arms again and kissed my forehead and wiped my tears and told me he was not going anywhere and that he loves me more than he has ever felt or known and that he is terrified too.

And we awoke happily as we so often do anymore, glad to be in each other's presence, him asking me to tell him what zany dreams I'd had that night. And I did. That next night I saw him again, sitting comfortably on his couch watching the boob tube while he did his thing at his place, coming upstairs every few minutes to smile at me, give me a kiss, and chat just a bit between tasks.

Things are good.

* * * *
And I am back on track in other ways, too. Last weekend and the weekend before, I began tending to my house and my yard in earnest. Tuesday I spent the day doing chores and getting things done around here. It is nice to have my house back. I am glad Roomy moved out. And I am glad the law office is cutting back on my hours (not financially, but...), because now I don't feel as if I'm rushing around like a crazy person.

* * * *
So that's that. Now I think I'll log off and go check in on my blog buddies. Talk to ya later.