Geek

Still running around like a mad man.

I have a THIRD job now.

I know. I'm insane.

But I'm making hay while the sun shines, you know. Besides, the new job is rather interesting, in an area of business I know nothing about: real estate investment.

I don't feel too stressed, but I don't really have much time for the common stuff in life--like paying the bills and making my bed and cleaning the bathroom. But I've just started squeezing more out of myself, cleaning a little bit in the few minutes I have at home. Doing shorter workouts at the gym.

And I still get a goodly amount of sleep. Very important.

Wish I had more of interest to report to y'all. Life is still good. Last weekend with Rover was amazing. We still have those amazing times. Italy is taking shape. Today I'm out as a lieutenant, so I'm making extra money today. Pulled in one and a half overtime shifts this week, too, so there's more extra money. Funny how when I put it out there that I need the money, it comes. Always has. Guess I'm just a worker bee.

Nite now.

15 Minutes

Today is my first day at home in a week at so. For the most part, all I get here is 15 minutes at a time while rushing from place to place. I can't remeber a time in my life when I've been so busy, had so much planned so tightly together.

Went to a fire on Friday night which kind of thew a wrench in the cogs of my time. We were up until 3:30 a.m., which meant not getting to sleep until after 4:00. Instead of coming home and going about my day as I had planned, I went over to Rover's house and we crashed from 9:00 a.m. until 1:00. A waste of a morning, but necessary in order to be ready for the evening.

Things are still going well with me. Had an appointment at the HeadShrinker's the other day. It was a good session. I'm glad I let two weeks lapse in between.

Anyhow, I've got YellowDog today and must take her out for her constitutional. I love YellowDog. Wish I had more time for her.

Hope y'all are well out there in BlogLand.

Frenzy

Now that I've gotten into researching and booking this Italy trip, I can't stop. At a hurried, frenzied pace, I am looking, booking, etc.

Wahooooooo!!!! I'm going to Italy in 5 weeks!

Something Within

I keep having bad dreams. It started with the hair extension dream about two weeks ago, and now it seems that almost every night I'm yelling at, combatting, or confronting someone. Last night I added the element of frustrating myself by continually failing to get off an elevator at the proper floor and then having to get off at the top floor and leave the building entirely in order to get back onto the elevator.

Something inside of me is not right. I mean, I am angry or frustrated or unhappy and it is manifesting in my dreams.

The only positive part of having these bad dreams is that I am standing up for myself and taking control. Defending myself or my mom, as the case was last night, with vigor.

Unfortunately, the emotion that exists in my dreams carries over into my waking life. When I wake up I feel sad and drained.

* * * *
Speaking of sleeping. I had a bad day yesterday in that I was muddle-headed all day long. Groggy, if you will. Don't know what was up with me, but I had a difficult time getting my brain to function properly. Not only did I have extreme difficulting getting out of bed in the morning, I also got completely dressed several times to find the right outfit for work downtown after my fireshift only to remember that the following day was Sunday and that I was not due to work at the office. I've never done that before. Then, throughout the day, I couldn't remember the last name of the fellow I was working with, someone I've known for years, and someone whose name I had said outloud that same morning.

Not good.

I took a three-hour nap this afternoon and had an equally difficult time pulling myself out of sleep.

Am I sick with a cold or virus? Am I just exhausted from working/going out so much? Is it the Celexa reeking havoc on my brain? I don't know.

I trimmed my Celexa dose down by 1/2 a pill and will continue at that level for a while. Meanwhile, I try going to bed early and consistently. I'm working pretty much every day for the next two weeks with only two days off out of the 14, but I have two in a row, so that should be okay.

I'm working a day of overtime at the firehouse right now. It'll be good to have the extra money for my taxes. I'm afraid of what I might owe since I've been working as a subcontractor with no taxes taken out to the tune of $14,000. Yikes. This year, I have to start making estimated tax payments. Think I'll go to a tax accountant this time instead of doing it myself. He can help with legitmate write-offs.

Okay, this entry is a little dull. It's almost 8:00. Think I'll go up and read and/or go to sleep. We've had no calls today. Booooring.

Nite.

A Long Way

I do think it's better to open one's mouth and say what's on one's mind.

I was feeling kind of crummy about the prospect of Rover's seeing other people. When he called me the other night, he detected in my voice that something was wrong and he called me on it. I finally admitted that it's difficult for me to wait around for him to pull the rug out from underneath me. I told him that I realized I'd accepted his terms (that he would probably sleep with someone else by the end of this year) and that by doing so I had little room to complain but that it bothered me all the same and was getting me down.

He was very reassuring. He promised me that he was not looking for anyone else, that he was very happy with me and that he was not going to be sleeping with anyone. He said that I shouldn't worry, that he didn't want thing to be all messed up the way they've been over the last several years and that I should relax. He told me that we're going to be okay.

So I feel better. And I would like to fool around with him and other people. He expressed that if he were to sleep with another woman, he'd like to do so with me, that he would like to make it happen. I've agreed that I will do that with him. I'd like to. Besides, we've had two separate encounters with BlueEyes and they've both been fantastic. I think what differentiates Rover from RacerEx and DodgerEx is that, while he finds the idea of threesomes exciting, he isn't distracted by the need to do it and isn't actively seeking it out or pushing for it.

He's more the "if the moment strikes and is right" kind of person--as is the way it happened with BlueEyes. We derive a lot of pleasure just from contemplating it, from keeping it just between the two of us. The fantasy alone and the freedom to discuss it out loud has thus far been outlet enough.

Also, it's nice just to go out, like we did last night, see some hot girl and sit together, head to head, and whisper to one another about how amazing she looks and talk about what we'd like to see the other do to her. That conversation alone is erotic, stimulating and satisfying. It's downright fun.

So I'm reassured and feeling pervy again.

Yay me.

Wow

Sapphire: it's amazing to think that I could help anyone think more clearly about themselves....

What you said makes perfect sense, but in regards to being 100% committed to Rover, I don't really want to be. It's too risky emotionally. I agree with the whole meditative resolve concept. I think one can project one's circumstances so that one's situation becomes what one envisions. But with Rover, I'm afraid to give into bliss. Knowing what I know about him; believing what he has told me about himself, his past, his desires (about who he is); and trusting my intuition, being 100% committed to him is nothing short of foolish.

And I can't even speak to the concept of "nurturing a good relationship" with Rover. I can't honestly say that we have a "good relationship." We get along well, most of the time, but we don't have a lot in common. I don't know if we're particularly good for one another. I don't know what we have. I care for him, care about him, love him even. He makes me laugh, etc. But we kind of just exist together. And I don't know if I really want anything to be different. Emotionally, it's kind of all I'm up for right now.

And his lack of commitment to monogamy really doesn't fit with who I am. I hate having to wonder about what he's doing when he's not with me. I've never been with anyone I don't "trust." But it's not even a trust issue, because he has given me fair warning and I have accepted the terms. But I don't like waiting for the announcement that he has met someone. It's a little unsettling.

But, in some ways, you are right. Perhaps nurturing this relationship in a consistently positive way will transform it into something it is not. Perhaps doing so will give it forward motion, will help it progress. After all, relationships are fluid.

PB&J

Actually, I'm having almond butter and strawberry fruit spread for dinner. Damn, if it isn't a good thing to eat sometimes! My bachelor's special.

Things are better between RacerEx and me again. I told him to try to let it go. He said he would. It's important to know when and how to stand down sometimes. After all, there really isn't an issue.

But I guess it's just too difficult to be friends right now. Too charged. Someday.

* * * *
Things with SuperBoyfriend (a.k.a. Rover) are still fine, crusing along. We enjoy our time together. I accept that our relationship has little forward motion. It is what it is and I enjoy it. I am not looking for anything else right now. I am content.

We've bickered some lately, but somehow he has lost some of his power. We got into a pissing match about his phone ringing late and he said, "Do you want to just forget it? Do you?" (meaning us, I guess).

Instead of crying or pleading or saying no, I just quietly said, "Whatever you want to do, Rover." He was quiet and finally said, I just want to go to sleep.

He got mad at me another time about my telling him he needs to learn how to start billing his clients (so far, pretty much everything he has done has been pro bono--nice, but it doesn't pay the rent). He got all pissy with me, so I just shut up, finishing with "Rover, I couldn't care less whether you make a dime from your law practice or not. Let's just drop it." He was silent for a while and then finally admitted it had been bothering him lately that he doesn't make any money doing what he's doing.

So, the balance is shifting, or at least it's leveling out. That's a good thing. A necessary thing.

Anyhow, gotta go. Blogger's gonna have an outage in two minutes.

Nite.

Assessment

In thinking about PB's last comment on loves of one's life....

All I know is that, thus far, RacerEx is the only person I can say I have truly loved. He is the only person to whom, at least for a time, I was truly committed. I accepted him. I used to describe it as having both feet in the circle. I did. All I knew, all I know, is that I finally understood what it meant when I was told, "when you find him, you'll know" I knew. That's all that mattered.

So he was the love of my life, is the love of my life so far. I am not ashamed of it. I am glad to have had that experience. It was amazing. Perhaps in the future I will find another love of my life. Who knows. But of all the love I've had, that one was the most complete for me.

Love of My Life

Here's some of our email exchange (RacerEx and Me)

RacerEx: hate to rain on your happiness parade, but it would have been nice if you would have been as loyal to me as you areto him, and don't kid yourself to think it was as simple as I didn't want you like he does.

I wrote him some long emails, but then sent him one this morning:

Me: One questionI have one question for you: Am I the love of YOUR life? Please answer. Don't ignore this email and not reply. It's a very important question. For both of us.

RacerEx: Not a simple answer. I feel so angry and screwed up. I don't have a love of my life, and I feel so detached from everyone and everything, that I don't even think it is possible. Yesterday was awful [working with you]. Much worse than I thought it would be. Thank god [Rover] wasn't there. Bad enough watching you flirt with [Mickey] and listening to his comments. [By the way, I wasn't flirting with Mickey.] So that will definitely be my last detail to [your station]. So like I said I am too angry to really talk about this. I did have agood time, but it sure ended on a sour note.

So here's how I left it.

Me: I am sorry you are angry and fucked up. I want you to be happy. Truly I do.

But I think it is important that both of us know and understand that I am not the love of your life. As I told you when I left the other night, you ARE the love of my life, and it is sad for me to know it is not mutual.

Meeting that girl Julie coming out of your house last summer was a slap in the face but also a wake-up call and it enabled me to begin to let go.

At that moment, I truly understood I was not the love of your life, that you didn't want me anymore. I knew it last January when you told me you didn't want to come home. I knew it when you made it clear in your hallway that you did not want to try again, to patch things up and to work on getting back to a better place. I knew it long ago when you didn't want me to break up with [Rover], when you told me you didn't want monogamy with me. I knew it, but I couldn't accept it.

But now I have come to accept that I am not the love of your life. To get over it, I have done a lot of work over the last year and a half. I have been through hell coming to terms with the loss of you. I suffered true depression and wanted to kill myself, and I am not being dramatic. But I am much, much better. I am well. Content with my life right now. Celexa is probably the main reason why, but I also spent time alone, time in therapy, etc. I may wallow in pity, but I do try to confront my problems and fix them--like I did in going to that sexual surrogate. I don't want to be broken in any way, emotionally, sexually, etc.

Knowing I am not the love of your life should be a positive realization for you, one that should release you from your anger towards me and help you move on. It's okay that I am not the love of your life. You don't have to patch things up with me. What we have is special. We are still bonded. We get along great and we still share a perv factor.

Who knows. Maybe someday we can both be in the same place emotionally and sexually and get together again for a threesome or just the two of us. But now is not the time. For me, for you. You need to do some work. You need to find an end to your confusion. And you will if you do something to find out what's going on with you.

So stop being angry at me. Really.

I think you are capable of finding love. I know you are. You did love me, were in love with me. Don't forget that fact. Love is rare, but we found each other. But I guess our time passed. Or it changed. Perhaps we will have a time again. I don't know. Who ever knows? We fucked it up. All we can do the next time is endeavor not to repeat the same mistakes.

I really, really think you should seek out some counseling or at least consider Celexa, even if it means temporary impotence (at least you have Cialis). You are very angry--have been for a long time now--and yet you seem fine on the outside. You have been emotionally detached for so long now. Don't you want to move past that? There's so much more. You don't have to be detached. It will be good to exercise your anger and release it.

Why not start now and be done with it?

I know you're mad at me, and perhaps we can't see each other until you're ready. Perhaps we can't ever see each other again. That's up to you, and whatever you decide is fine. But I do love you still and I am here for you if you need someone.

Okay?

So that's that. I feel how I feel. I'm not stressed, traumatized, drama-ridden, blah, blah, blah. I'm in a bit of a funk. Don't know if that's RacerEx or PMS. I'll chock it up to a little of both.

I am sorry I'm not the love of his life. But it's better I know than pine away waiting for something that exists for me alone. As I said the other post, Rover and I may not be "the ones" for one another; but it's working for now and I'm not stressed out.

So, yeah, that's that.

Choices

So I went to the movies with RacerEx yesterday. Saw Matador. Great movie.

Then we went and had a drink. He drank a lot.

I told him I was dating someone. Told him it was Rover. He said he'd seen us driving together, that it was still difficult for him. He told me he's seeing someone occasionally, that he doesn't want to get serious with anyone. We got to flirting, and before I knew it, I kissed him. And then I kissed him again passionately. He kissed me back.

But then he wanted to go back to his place and have sex, and when I told him I didn't want to, that
I don't want to mess things up with Rover right now, he got upset. I felt bad, but I explained to him that I was finally in a good space emotionally and that I didn't want to make my life complicated by starting up the triangle again. He more or less pushed me out the door.

As I was leaving, I said something about "What do you want?"

He said, "Don't you know??!"

I said I didn't and insisted that he tell me.

He told me he was wanted the love of his life. I told him that he had been and still was the love of my life. He said something about still being all fucked up. I told him I was here if he was ever ready. He put his hand on the small of my back and pushed me toward the door.

He sent me a not-so-nice message this morning via email. And now it turns out I'm working with him today. I responded to his email and I know he checked it this morning here at work, but we haven't talked about anything.

I shouldn't have kissed him. I'm sorry that I did. I still love him and like him and find him attractive, but I shouldn't have kissed him. No.
* * *
It's weird. I always thought I would choose RacerEx over Rover. But I didn't. Because I'm happy right now and I don't want to muck up my life again by making it complicated and by feeling torn over what to do and by juggling two people again. I can't do it. Maybe Rover can, maybe he only could because Lips didn't know what he was doing. All I know is I cannot do it successfully, without feeling guilty, without walking on eggshells all the time not to hurt one person's feelings. Because what would I do? How does one do it?

It doesn't matter. What matters is I don't want to complicate my life and mess it up again now that I'm finally stable and happy. It doesn't matter if Rover and I aren't "the ones" for one another. What matters to me now is my life is working and I'm good. I have plans for the upcoming future and I'm not going to give up my happiness to be with RacerEx again when he doesn't want to get serious with anyone, when he's still "fucked up" and has made no effort to get un fucked up.

So that's the choice I made. It surprised me, but it was clear and easy. Still is. Don't know if it was ultimately the "right" choice, but for now, it's good for my mental health.