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I can now be read at http://steadysheblows.blogspot.com/

Little Boxes

Earrings come in little boxes. I'd forgotten about earrings.

Anyhow. Kids with Rover is a no-go. I talked with him about it the other night and the conversation didn't go too well. Told him I had a serious question for him and asked him if he really was done having children. He said yes.... and then, for some uncontrolable reason, I started to cry. Not a lot, but tears definitely sprang to my eyes. I hadn't anticipated having such a strong response, because I kind of figured that's what'd he say.

He didn't respond too well to the tears. He didn't get angry or anything, but I have to say I spent the remainder of the evening reassuring him that his not wanting to have a kid didn't mean I was leaving him.

At one point, I told him that if I really wanted a child I could go the same route as RoomyEx (sperm donor). He told me that if I decided to do that he could not stand by me, that it would just be too difficult a situation to explain to everyone. That kind of pissed me off, but whatever. At least I know what reality is.

I'm on my own.

Nothing new.

I wouldn't go the sperm donor route anyway. I don't like the idea of it. I'd adopt. Don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Regardless, it bothered me that he wanted such strong reassurance that he wasn't going to lose me while at the same time telling me that he would dump me if I had a child by a donor. Go figure!

But at least we've covered all the big topics: Marriage--no; living in--no; babies--no. Let's see, all the benefits without any of the hassels of commitment. Okay.

To put a positive spin on it, what that means to me is I can do whatever I want with my life. It's mine and mine alone and I have no obligation to anyone else. Kind of liberating, really.

* * * *
Boy! it's freeeeezing here. Was going to come home and go for a run, but it's only 34 degrees out (cold for California), so I guess I'll go run on the treadmill.

Now where did I put my iPod????

See ya.

Snoopy

Dropped off the dog at RacerEx's house this morning. Went into the kitchen to make sure she had water and noticed a little bag from Tiffany's on the kitchen counter. Not that I was snooping or anything.... Okay, I started snooping because I was wondering if what was inside was wrapped....

So I opened the bag, moved the tissue aside, and found a ring box. Wrapped. Damn it! I assume it's for GirlNext. Wonder if it's an engagement ring. Could be. He has said he's not ready for that step, not ready for even more than just a few times a week, but things do change. Maybe he realized that it's the girl and not the boobs that matter most. Dunno.

So how do I feel about that? About the possibility of RacerEx getting married again? About it happening now?

Honestly, I think I'm okay. Perhaps the slightest bit sad. But not really. While there's still a part of me that holds onto him, I'm okay with letting him go, with letting him heal and move on. As a matter of fact, I do wish him well, hope he finds the emotional peace and happiness he deserves. He's such a great person. A fine man. He's lovely, and I want him to be well.

We had our time together and I loved him. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love anyone, more than I think I might ever love anyone again. I'm glad I had the opportunity to feel that way.

Sure, I'm a little broken now, a little jaded. I'm a little, uh, resentful? irritated? that I ended up having to pay him so much money for the pleasure of his company over the years, but that's what happens with divorce. But it is what it is. I profitted from my first divorce, lost in my second one. It's a wash. I probably won't be walking down that road again, at least not so blindly the next time.

But, anyhow, I'm okay with the prospect of his getting married again, of moving on and even having children if that's what he wants. I don't know if that's what's going on or if that's even what he wants. But let him have what he wants. It's time.

* * * *
Meanwhile, I've been doing some thinking about my own future. About family, about my life. I'm doing well. I'm feeling good and stable. I like where my life is. I'm happy with Rover. I don't need or even want to marry him. I don't even think I want to live with him--can't envision it. I am content.

But I think I want a child. I'd like to create a family of sorts. I have the time; I have the money; I have a partner who I know would contribute to our child's life. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and if Rover is amenable to it, I want to make it happen before it's too late. If I can't get pregnant, so be it. Perhaps I'll give some serious thought to adopting a baby, perhaps a little girl from China.

So that's where I am today.

'Tis The Season

Hosted a Christmas Dessert & Cocktail party last night. It was a hoot. Thank god for the Pig and his knuckleheaded companion. They were the first to arrive (with the except of RoomyEx and her mom who arrived hours early and who were napping/getting ready upstairs when they arrived). The Pig's loud and obnoxious knock on the front door set the tone for the entire evening: loud (but not really obnoxious).

Everyone laughed and yelled and talked over one another. Rover played bar tender, making the margaritas on the weak side, which meant no one got shit-face drunk--thank god. People congregated in the kitchen, to capacity, and then eventually split up into the family and living rooms. Most people stayed until 1:00 a.m. No one drove drunk. Everyone was drinking water at the end. Nice to have responsible friends who know how to have fun.

The only exceptions were The Rabbit and Rover's sister-in-law PillsburyDoughGirl.

Doughy sat on the couch by herself from the get-go, drawing people in and away from the crowd to pay attention to her. The typical wall flower. Feeling responsible for her welfare and good time, I tried to talk to her and include her, but to no avail. As soon as some other peripheral conversation caught my ear, I was lost to her.

The Rabbit, unbeknownst to me until last night, pulled the same act. He sat on his own, admittedly tired from a long week of surgery and hospital administration, and, as with Doughy, I sought him out and paid him attention. But he's just not social. He offers nothing, brings nothing, contributes nothing. He does not laugh, joke, or even, at a minimum, participate in or offer up interesting or even dull conversation. Every attempt to engage him is a dead end. High maintenance.

So what is it? Are Doughy and The Rabbit just dull? Or is it that they're just both depressives? They're both on meds, both prone to depression. Is that it?

Dunno, but next time, I'm not bothering with all the attempts at making them feel at home in a crowd. I missed out on a lot of the party in being a good hostess to them.

* * * *
Things are good. Fine even. Sailing along smoothly with few bumps. My fibroids are acting up again so I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and go in for a procedure. Hope it works. Anyhow, that reminds me that I need to email my doctor. Hope all's well out there in BlogLand.

Merry, merry.

Time and a Half

Been working as much overtime as possible lately to try and make up for the lack of a second job and to try and make ends meet more smoothly. I think I'm finally catching up.

Things are going just fine. Nothing exciting to report. Feeling much better since my last post. Really think my moods have a lot to do with PMS, as much as I hate to admit it....

I've been tapering off the Effexor lately. It wasn't seeming to have much of an effect (meaning I haven't been sleeping as well again and my energy levels have dropped), so I was wondering if I'd bottomed out on the drug. Instead of increasing the dosage, I decided to try to taper off and give drug-free living another try. I've been on 1/2 a pill for the last week or so and seem to be doing fine. I'll continue with this dose for a while and then try to stop all together. Wish me luck.

I've decided to host a Holiday Dessert & Cocktail party this Friday nite. I've been feeling in the holiday mood and want to celebrate with friends. I'm looking forward to it. Set up the tree tonite. It looks very pretty. I'll throw some lights up around the living and dining rooms too.

Anyhow, that's about it. Like I said, nothing exciting.

Been raining the last few days, which means it has warmed up a bit. Kind of muggy today. I like it. Makes my hair curly.

Nite now.

Run Around

Haven't been home much lately. Mom was here visiting for 24 hours over Thanksgiving weekend. In that time she managed to drive me crazy. She's such a spaz. God, please let me have the power to not become just like her!

Feeling blue today. It's been coming on for the last few days. Haven't seen much of Rover this week. Guess it's connected to that. Been hanging out with girlfriends (and Mom) all week. Spent a few nights at Rover's house, but basically just went over to sleep. Actually, one night we drove up to Sacramento to have dinner with his son, but I wasn't into going. I had wanted to work a day of overtime, but I had already committed to the dinner. When I tried to make plans to spend the day or some afternoon time with Rover before the dinner, he wouldn't commit. When I got there in the evening, he pretty much ignored me and paid bills until we left.

Yesterday kind of went the same way. Yesterday was our only real day off to spend with one another and he told a friend he'd do some electrical work for him. He invited me to come down and watch. Uh, no thanks. I worked half a shift for someone who needed it and told Rover I'd meet up with him later. He said he'd be working until 7:00 or 8:00. Later he called and asked if I wanted to drive down and go to a Warriors game that began at 6:30. So much for having to work until 7 or 8. I told him no, I'd made other plans with some girlfriends, which I had. Cyclone and DoeEyed and I went out for dinner, drinks and dancing and had a great time. After midnight, I headed back to Rover's place to sleep. For some reason, driving to his place made me feel more and more down.

I was quiet when I got there. He wanted to have sex, but I was feeling glum and didn't initiate or respond but instead talked a bit and then went to sleep. He woke me up at 5 a.m. and we had sex. He went off to work this morning and I slept until almost 11:00 and then came home. I'm working tomorrow and Tuesday. We have plans for Wednesday, but I feel too down to look forward to seeing him.

I feel alone. And ungrateful. I know I have a nice boyfriend and good girlfriends, but I feel alone. Shameful. I am an idiot for not appreciating what I have. Perhaps I just need some sleep. Feel like going back to bed. Think I will.

More Training

Ironically, my last post comes as a preface to a structural-collapse training exercise I was selected to participate in tomorrow. Last night I reviewed my Rescue Systems I manual. Today, I will review Rescue Systems II.

We will be breaching through concrete, shoring up collapse zones, and searching for "victims." Gypsy the rescue dog may be there too. She's cool, never stops moving, always attentive.

* * * *
Slept like the dead last night. I'm surprised I was able to after that long nap I had yesterday. Guess I either needed it or it's just the result of my psych meds which not only enable better sleep but also make my body heavy and sleepy during the day. Sometimes I fight the urge to nap; other times, I give in to day-time slumber.

* * * *
I need to go for a run now. Then I think I'll come home and clean the house a bit. I've let it go this last week. It's hard when Rover is here, because he's such a pig. Truly, he is one of the biggest slobs I've ever know. Last night he was talking about how he likes to take care of stuff that is nice, and I said, "Really? What nice thing do you have that you've kept nice?" He couldn't think of anything. Neither could I. His house is a shamble of boxes and piles of clothing. His sink is usually filled with dirty dishes. Before I cleaned it, his bathroom sink had a measurable layer of grime in and around it.

He's gross.

Messy and dirty.

And disorganized.

And a bad dresser.

Ah, love is blind, isn't it?

The Long Walk

I'm awake from my 5-1/2 hour nap. Whew! Guess I needed it. YellowDog slept next to me with her head on my pillow (she's no fool--she knows how to use a pillow). She's in good form today. She's generally a pretty happy dog (and moody dogs do exist), but today she's in especially good humor. Looks like RacerEx gave her a bath. Perhaps being clean lifts her spirits. I think partly it's just that sometimes after RacerEx has left for work she doesn't expect that I or anyone will come pick her up and be with her, so she gets excited and happy.

* * * *
Wanted to add something to my earlier post.

Last night as we started our 15-flight walk up that high-rise I thought of all the firefighters in N.Y. who lost their lives doing exactly the same thing on 9/11. It's a weird feeling to walk in those shoes. Not to minimize what they did or to inflate my own experience. Certainly, the false alarm I went to last night in no way compares to what happened to all those men, to all those people, but it's still an eerie feeling to begin an ascent into the unknown. Especially eerie was passing building occupants in the stairwell who were on their way down and out.

I think of those men, marching heavily up all those stairs, past the panicked occupants of the World Trade Center. I think of my own walk, of the automatic ascent, of falling in line behind my officers and my commrades because it is what I do. Not without question, obviously, but still I march on.

Sometimes I'll see a war movie, like The Thin Red Line or Saving Private Ryan and I liken what I do to the beach scenes in which soldiers storm the beaches in mass numbers only to be repeatedly shot down. And yet, the troops keep on coming. There is no choice. They are there doing what they were trained to do, what they have to do. There is no backing out, no quitting.

Again, not to glamorize what I do or liken myself to a soldier in peril, but sometimes at a fire I feel the same way: I am crawling on my hands and knees or snaking on my side down a smoke-filled, pitch-dark hallway hopefully towards the seat of the fire and I am thinking, "This is fucking crazy! What am I doing?" But there is no backing out. No quitting. Not then, not there. So I keep on moving forward.

Last night when we relieved the first-in fire crews from last night's third-alarm fire, the engine crew was out front waiting for us. It was 2:00 a.m. They were all exhuasted, but they all had notable grins on their faces. That's how it feels after a "good" fire. After looking back at the destruction we have stepped away from, while looking over the leveled structure we fought from within while the fire raged and we risked our lives--tempting fate, trusting one another and hoping to God we make it just one more time--we are elated. Even if the building is a total loss, we can be ecstatic.

Sometimes it is more grim than that. There are fires I've been to where occupants have died, sometimes needlessly and tragically and by our own foibles. Sometimes one of us is hurt or, much less often, one of us is killed, and then there are no smiles, no elation. We are subdued and somber and quiet.

And then there's the aftermath. Fact is, most of us die of cancer. Chances are, I'll die of cancer. Last night as we were chasing smoke in between floor and ceiling, I pulled up melted rubber gym flooring and burned carpet. A nasty, chemical smell permeated the air--formaldehyde? cyanide? some other carcinogen? The smell clung to the inside of our nostrils as it clung to our clothing. It is was a sickening smell which lasted for hours until I finally had a chance to wipe out my nose with a dirty rag. I think of my lungs, how the smell clings to them, and yet there's nothing to wipe them clean.

I think about the citizens of our city who scoff at us, at all of our time off, at our big pensions, at our benefits, at how much down time we have on the job. Sometimes, they even make snide comments at us at the grocery store or at Starbucks if we stop in for coffee.

The other day, some guys looked at one of our crew as we stood in line for our coffee and snidely remarked, "Great. Nice to know this is what my tax dollars are paying you for."

Rich, my truck mate, looked at him and calmly said, "Well, I don't know what you did at work yesterday, but I almost died last night."

Long Nite

Dinner at the fire house last night began with a mixed green salad and then a 15-flight walk up some stairs in full gear at a building alarm call. The evening wound down at about 10:45 p.m. only to come to a sudden halt at 1:00 a.m. where upon we were sent to stand a "fire watch" from 2:00 a.m. until 6:00 a.m. this morning. We pulled some ceilings, axed up some floors, etc. to look for fire extension and to eliminate the possibility of a rekindle and then spent the next three hours sitting in the truck doing nothing.

I've been up pretty much all night.

YellowDog and I are going for a 2.5 mile walk and then we're going to do our very favorite thing: take a nap!

Nite.

Stickin' It to the Man!!

I am a genius!

I got my mini hard drive, put it into my iPod, and IT WORKS!!!!

Screw Apple. I don't need them.

I love the Internet.

iPod Pergatory

I have gone from iPod heaven to iPod hell.

Now I wait somewhere in between.

You see, my iPod just stopped working a couple of weeks ago. In vain, I tried to fix it. I tried resetting, restoring, banging on the desk. To no end. Finally, I took it into the Apple Store for their diagnosis: S.O.L. (shit out of luck). After a conversation that went pretty much like this, I've decided to take matters into my own hands and try to fix it myself:

"Sorry, you're hard drive is bad," said the large, nerdy man flirting with frightening ineptitude all the while checking out my iPod.

"Is that pretty common? for a $250 item to just break down after little more than a year?" said I, in obvious disgust. "After all, this one was given to me by you guys to replace the original one I bought, which went bad after less than six months. Is there still a warranty left on this one?"

"Oh, well the warranty follows the date of the original purchase not the date you exchanged your iPod."

"So I have a purchase date warranty, not a product warranty?" (how dumb is that?)

"Essentially."

"So what are my options?"

"Well, you can buy a new iPod here at this store and we'll give you 10% off your purchase for the 'exchange' of this bad one."

"So basically, you'll give me $20 for a $250 product that only lasted me a year in order to purchase another $200 item that may not last very long either."

"Well, the Nano has no real moving parts, so the chances of its breaking down are pretty slim."

"... So I'm trading in my $250 20GB iPod for a 2-8 GB nano for practically the same price with no guarantee that it will last beyond a year?"

"Uh, well, it should last longer than a year."

"And so should my original two, right?"

"Ummm, well, yeah."

"Great. Well, believe me, if I buy another one, I'm not going to buy it here. I'll buy it at CostCo where they'll take anything back no matter when you bought it as long as you have a receipt."

Screw them! So I found this site on the web: http://www.notpopular.com/blog/comments.php?blogID=63 and followed his directions and took out the old, bad hard drive. Then I went back to the web, found a new hard drive for $69 plus some shipping and handling, and for about $80 I might be back in business.

Wish me luck! Wouldn't that be SWEET?!

All Right, Justin

Where in the heck are you??? Are you alive? Let me know. Can't email you anymore cuz you moved. But been wondering about you....

Just started reading The Count of Monte Cristo yesterday. What a fine adventure! Chock full of Napoleanic history, too. Quite a good read. I awoke this morning full of excitement about getting to pick it up and read the day away. Didn't get to it until just a couple of hours ago, and I'm having fun.

Talk to ya later.

That Evil Crystal

And I'm not talking crystal meth.

I'm talking sugar.

Remember how I wanted to lose weight but couldn't? Well, I've started losing weight finally. You know how I'm doing it? I'm eating well. And do you know what that means? That means avoiding sugar and other over processed items. I'm not dodging carbs; I'm not on some funky fad diet; I'm just eating sensibly: a small breakfast each morning, lots of vegetables, low-fat meats, soups, and whole grains and dried fruits, etc. I've also been drinking tons of water (for me, that is) so that when I got my period this time I was hardly bloated at all (altho I didn't really have much of a period which is kind of worrisome considering how heavily I've been going for the last year; hopefully it's the new pills and not a baby, ugh!).

I've been shopping a lot at Whole Foods (a.k.a. "whole paycheck") at their prepared foods deli section, which is fairly expensive but which enables me to eat really well without having to cook (and I hate to cook). I figure it's worth the extra bucks.

However, I was overdrawn last month for the first time in my life. I'm just not bringing enough in for what I've been paying out. I did spend a lot last month, and I'm doing much better this month, but I'm really going to have to watch it. I've been paying an extra $550 per month on my mortgage in an effort to have my mortgage paid off by the time I'm 55, but I may have to ease off on that for a couple of months if I don't get caught up. After all, Christmas is coming. It's always something, isn't it? There are some overtime opportunities at the firehouse right now, so I'll have to start taking advantage of them once my class is over. Unfortunately, I called in sick today to work on my final presentation, and that means I can't work overtime for another week (or else it's just straight time).

Anyhow, I do have to get to the gym and to my project, so I've got to go.

Weather sure is gloomy lately. Blah.

Sleepy

I don't know if it's my meds or boredom, but I've been sleeping more and more again lately--napping and sleeping a full night. It's not that I mind so much, because I can stay awake if I have something to do, it's just that I'd rather go sleep than do anything else.

As a matter of fact, I'm rather uninspired to do anything at all. That's not to say I'm not doing the things I'm supposed to be doing or that I'm not enjoying myself when I am occupied. I just don't feel like going out right now. Part of it might be that I feel compelled to sit at home and work on my assignments, which have piled up quite a bit. But it's difficult not to procrastinate, and by procrastinate I mean go take a nap.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning perfectly rested (because I went to bed at 9:00 last night AND took a 2-1/2 hour nap yesterday afternoon) but lazed around in bed until almost 8:00 for no good reason.

I don't know. I just feel understimulated or something. I like it better when I'm working part time at the law office. Life flows more smoothly when I'm working, and I seem to have more energy during the day time.

Anyhow, just thot I'd stop and bitch a little. I have to get back to my project. I'm doing a presentation with a gal from my class on MySpace.com. Truth is, it's not a very inspiring subject. The research was interesting, but the more I get into MySpace, the less I like it. It seems cumbersome to me and a waste of time and energy. No more so than this blog, I suppose, but I'm not thrilled. Anyhow, if you want to take a look at my site, I created one for my dog: YellowDog.

Talk to ya later.

Fall Back

Awoke at 9:00 today only to realize I forgot to set the clocks back last night. That's a great feeling, realizing you have another hour of the day.

Spent a pretty relaxing day with Rover. He's studying for his promotional, so I snoozed on the couch this afternoon while he stayed up stairs and read. He's at the gym right now and I'm going to meet up with him at his place later. Nothing exciting, but it's just nice to have someone to hang with, someone to have come into the room and kiss me when he's taking a short break from the books, someone to fall asleep and wake up next to. Rover has the best habit of reaching over and kissing me in the middle of the night if he senses I've woken up--either to go to the bathroom or if it's just very early and I'm turning over. It makes me feel so good that he wants to kiss me when he's very groggy.

* * * *
My first speech went pretty well. I watched the video that was taken of it, and there are were really only one or two foibles. Not too bad. I didn't even seem nervous. Glad I practiced some, because I looked well rehearsed and natural. Only one more class to go. Nice to take a six-week class. I hate how a regular semester drags on.

* * * *
I worked at the law office all last week. I really like working for this lawyer, BullDog. He's such an upstanding guy. Wish he were my dad. Anyhow, his office is very well organized and everything is ready to go well before it's due so there's no rushing around in a panic at the last minute to get documents mailed out or filed with the court. Nice to work that way. Wish I could just continue working for him part time, but he runs just a small office and doesn't need any more help. I'm just filling in for his full-time gal while she's on vacation.

* * * *
Feeling good still. Life is fine. That's about it for now. Nothing exciting. Better get going. I've got an hour's drive ahead and I need to get gas.

Nite.