No More Tears

Haven't been uncontrollably tearful lately. That's good.

Home sick with laryngitis today. Funny not to be able to talk. When I can, I sound like Froggy from the Little Rascals.

Africa

DodgerEx asked me a while back if I would go to Africa with him. I told him no. The other night he asked me again and I thought, "What the hell. Why not?" So I told him maybe.

Now I'm kind of excited about the idea. He wants to go next September. Told me he'd even help me pay for the trip. Okay, it's sounding even better. We just have to get the details ironed out i.e., no sex, no discussing us getting back together every frickin' night. We are not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, haven't been for eight years, and never will be again. I don't want to have a miserable trip because we end up fighting over his expectations. If he can't handle just having me there as a friend, then I'm not going.

Sick with a cold this weekend. Used Zicam. Seems to work well. Read an article, tho, that said the gel Zicam that is sprayed in the nose can lead to permanent loss of smell and/or taste. Careful.

* * * *
In our annual bid at work, I put in for a new fire station. I told Rover it's better that we not work together anymore. I hope I get it. I need the change. If not, there's a chance he'll be moved anyway, so it will work out. If not, he said he'd use what juice he had to try to get me down to the personnel office, which would also be a good change for me. I think they work 10-hour shifts, which isn't so great, but hey, that's there's a price for everything.

* * * *
Rain began yesterday. Spent the afternoon on the couch nursing my cold and watching movies. Good weather for it. Wish I'd mowed the lawn on Tuesday when I'd thought of it. Oh well.

Roomy is working out well. Still don't have a pseudonym for her. She's kind of bland, so it's difficult to pin her with one.

* * * *
Salt & Pepper are moving away to St. Louis. Sad. I will miss them. They were great friends, friends symbolic of my time with RacerEx. They can no longer afford to live here now that they have a child. They're going to take the equity from their house, buy a nicer house in MO. and still be able to afford for Salt to stay home with little Bucket. I'm glad for her. She had to go back to work six weeks after having Bucket and now a nanny is basically raising him. What's the point in having children if someone else gets all the joy of it? Anyhow, I think it's a good move for them.

So my friends dwindle again. Another set of friends (not so close) are moving away too. That leaves me with RoomyEx. Yup, that's it in the friends department. Wish I were better at making and keeping friends. Problem is, I just don't click with that many people. Oh yeah, I have DodgerEx. He's my friend. To be sure. He's a good friend. That's good to know.

Think I'll go shopping today. It's a good day for it. Think I'll blow off the gym again. I have to work two in a row tomorrow, so... I can workout at work.

Bye.

Celexa

Here's to serotonin. May it bring me the peace I need.

2.5 Miles

Finally made it.

Heartfelt Amends

So I should make heartfelt amends to all I have hurt? I don't even know how to do that. I've tried. All I've accomplished is that now everyone hates me. I don't know how to apologize to Racer Ex anymore. I have already apologized to him, sincerely and honestly and from my heart. What did he do? He kicked me. I cannot apologize for RacerEx's inviting me over when some girl was there; I cannot apologize for his being dishonest with me. I cannot take back the hurt and anger he recently made me feel, and I don't really feel bad for saying horrible things to him. I cannot and I will not apologize for him hurting me so recently. Besides, he has now cut me off completely, so it is impossible to apologize, even if I wanted to. And I don't.

And I cannot apologize to Rover for asking for my stuff back. I cannot apologize for him not loving me enough to want to be with me. I cannot apologize for being weak and for letting him only come around when he felt like it, regardless of how it made me feel.

I cannot apologize for destroying everything that I have ever felt dear. I cannot apologize for having no dreams, for having no goals, for feeling like a failure. I have tried going through the motions of success and happiness. I have volunteered, exercised, taken classes, tried to love someone, been kind, been tough, etc.

In vain, I have tried.

I cannot make anything work.

The only conclusion I can come to at this point is that I am a worthless, miserable person.

Life for me is not an adventure. It is torture. For years now. For YEARS! Things have not gotten better. They have gotten worse. I cannot undo what is already done.

I am who I am and I cannot change that. I have tried to live honestly. I just don't.

What's the fucking point.

No Change

I had a dream this morning. It was more auditory than visual. In it, I hear my voice say, "Hi, Rover," as if I'm calling him on the phone. I hear his voice, loud and clear and disapproving, "Hello, Morgan."

His voice was so stern and loud that it jolted me awake.

I am so tired. No amount of sleep seems enough.

I went back over my old blogs to see where I stood after my break up with Rover back in May/June. Back then, I started to feel better after 10 days or so of not being with him. Back then, leaving him was a matter of life or death.

And now? Now I am more empty than ever. In assessing my life I see so little. I have no interests, no hobbies, no desires. I am bored and boring. People keep saying, "Get out, get a hobby, volunteer," blah, blah, blah, like it's some simple task. Taking on a hobby implies one has an interest in doing something, that one is not frozen in time, that one's brain is open to and accepting of new things. That one has interest. I have no interest in anything. Believe me, I have searched my brain; I have searched the internet. There is nothing I want to do. Nothing. I am motivated by nothing. I don't want to read, I don't want to crochet, I don't want to go places on my own and be in my own head, sharing my experience with no one. I just don't.

It's not that I wish I were dead, because I can't even wrap my head around that concept, I just wish I were more interested in life. My brain feels empty. My heart feels empty.

All I know is I am sad and that I am tired of burdoning the people around me with my misery. And it's not as if people can even sympathize. I have been living a secret life for so long that people think I'm still all hung up over RacerEx. And I'm not. Well, not really. But I do regret the loss of that relationship. I do see it as one more failure. I do see it as one more time when I could not see the goodness that was right in front of me.

Still, I will head out in a few minutes to run around the bird refuge, to once again try to do the 2.5 miles I have been unable to finish in weeks now. Then I will head over to the gym and go through the motions there, because it is necessary.

I am going out with RoomyEx tonight. I am not looking forward to it. I am not good company. But I feel I must. I can't even put on a happy face anymore. I just feel so bad.

It kills me that Rover doesn't like me, that he seemingly fell out of love with me. Now I better understand the pain RacerEx must have felt as he watched my feelings for him disappear. It is so sad.

I just want to sit at home, watch sad movies and cry.

I've run away from home.
I listen to political music.
I collect comic books.
I shut others out when I'm sad.
I open up to others easily.
I am keeping a secret from the world
I watch the news.
I own over 5 rap CDs.
I own an ipod.
I own something from Hot Topic.
I love Disney movies.
I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
I don't kill bugs.
I have ?x?s in my screen name.
I?ve slipped out a ?lol? in a real conversation.
I love Spam.
I bake well.
I would wear pajamas to school/work.
I own something from Abercrombie.
I have a job.
I love Martha Stewart.
I am in love with someone.
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
I am self conscious.
I like to laugh.
I smoke a pack a day.
I loved Go Ask Alice.
I have cough drops when I?m not sick.
I can?t swallow pills.
I quit smoking.
I have many scars.
I?ve been out of this country.
I believe in ghosts.
I can?t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
I am really ticklish.
I love chocolate.
I bite my nails.I
I am comfortable with being me.( FINALLY!!!)
I play computer games/video games when I?m bored.
Gotten lost in the city. (yep, & the guy I asked for directions thought I was a hooker-must have been that Lincoln Continental I was driving)
Saw a shooting star.
I have had 2 serious surgical procedures.
I have kissed a stranger.
Hugged a stranger.
Been in a fist fight with the same sex.
Been arrested.
Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
Made out in an elevator.
Sworn at my parents.
Kicked a guy where it hurts.
Been skydiving.
Been bungee jumping.
Broken a bone.
Played spin the bottle.
Gotten stitches.
Bitten someone.
Been to Niagara Falls.
Gotten the chicken pox.
Crashed into a car.
Been to Asia.
Ridden in a taxi.
Shoplifted.
Been fired.
Had feelings for someone who didn?t have them back.
Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
Been to Europe.
Slept with a co-worker.
Been married.(2 x's)
Gotten divorced.(2 x's)
Saw someone dying.
Driven over 400 miles in one day.
Been to Canada.
Been on a plane.
Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
thrown up in a bar.
Eaten Sushi.
Been snowboarding.
Been skiing.
Been ice skating.
Met someone in person from the internet.
Been to a car show.
Gone to college.
Done hard drugs.
Taken painkillers.
Met a celebrity.
I like playing practical jokes.
Seen all nine seasons of the X-Files.
Once swore Disco would never die.
Seen a ghost.
Attended a professional sporting event
Attended a live rock concert.
Stayed up all night.
Lied about my name.
Thrown something at a spouse
After a night out, have gone straight to work without going home.
I cut all the wires in my husband's car for spite.
Married a professional gambler
Been thrown out of a restaurant for being too noisy

Sleeping

Spent an hour or so in bed yesterday afternoon, then got up, went down stairs, poured myself a drink and turned on the boob tube. Remained on the couch until 10:30 last night and then went to bed. Yay.

Slept until 6:30 but didn't get out of bed until after 9:00. No point in getting out of bed early. That just means more hours to be awake during the day.

I will go to the gym today. OK says to exercise, that it helps. I don't find that to be the case. I've been back in my regular workout routine for months now. I do it because I have to for my job. It makes me sleep better, too, but it doesn't help me feel any better about my life. Besides, a lot of times exercising makes me feel worse about myself. For example, I haven't been able to run my usual 2.5 miles in a long time. Don't know why, but my stamina is shot. Just can't make it. Then I just beat myself up for the remainder of the "run." I suck.

I have nothing to do today. As with yesterday. No hobbies. No interests. No desire to get out there and accomplish anything. No purpose. Don't even feel like drinking, but it does seem to put me in a better mindset, takes my mind off of myself and enables me to relax.

Therapy appointment on Monday night. I guess I should make a list of why I want to be there, as come Monday I'll probably be in a completely different mood and won't remember why I'm there.

I will not take time away from work right now. I've thought about it and I want to, but since Rover is not there, I do not have to worry about avoiding him. I may as well go to work. It fills a day. I'm scheduled at the law office all next week. That should help. Altho Mouse won't be there, and I really like Mouse.

Going Through The Motions

My spirits are so low.

It seems to me that the only pure slumber, the only actual silence, the only peace comes with death.

I spent most of my afternoon Sunday at a baby shower, during which all I wanted to do was come home and put a bullet into my temple.

I spent yesterday in much of the same state, and as I lay in bed waiting to drift off to sleep, I thought about all the responsibilities I have to others and how inconvenient it would be to them for me to suddenly off myself.

I continue to put on my front, to go through the motions of living in front of others, to do the work I have promised, to be where I have said I will be.

I called my old therapist today. Hopefully, we can get some work done. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I can no longer remember a time when I was happy. I honestly don't think I've ever been happy for longer than just a day or two at a time. Unfortunately, now my unhappiness is coupled with lonliness and, like I said, self-loathing.

I am adrift.

I just want to go upstairs and go to sleep. Perhaps I will.

Full Gamut

Turns out Rover is more seriously injured than I'd thought. He might need surgery as a result of the accident. Not good.

I called him last night because I was surprised to see that he is still off of work. He was anything but friendly. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he was still angry from my last message.

"What message?" I asked, searching my brain. I haven't left him any messages.

"The one where you asked for your panties back." I had called him and asked for my stuff back, namely a pair of my panties of which he is rather fond (enough said).

"What? You're mad at me for asking for my panties back?" I said, incredulous.

"Yeah. You knew it would make me mad. You deliberately asked me for them back to make me angry."

"Uh. No, I didn't. I knew you would be upset, which is why I called you on the phone and asked for them instead of asking for them at work where you have no place to go if you are upset."

"That's bullshit. You did it on purpose to make me angry."

"No, I didn't."

"Well, I don't fucking believe you." Etc., etc. All this while he is yelling at me and I am speaking calmly. Then he tells me he has to go, that he's going out for a drink with a friend.

So we hang up and I am baffled. I don't get it. Why is he so angry with me. I go through all the emotions: indifference, guilt, self-loathing. I don't call him back, but I attempt to send messages to his voice mail via my voice mail, but I erase each in turn because none of them fully express how I'm feeling. With each message, I become more and more upset until I am berating myself, telling him what loser I am, telling him how stupid I feel for calling him in the first place, etc.

But I don't send any of these messages. I erase them all. Finally, I hang up the phone without having left a single message for him.

My upset clears. I think, "Why is he so mad at me? I am perfectly within my rights to ask for my stuff back, especially intimate items that he associates with me sexually. As a matter of fact, if he were a gentleman, he would offer to return my panties without being asked."

And then I start thinking, "What a dick. That is so abusive of him to scream at me like that on the phone for no real reason. He knows how his anger makes me feel. It makes me feel like shit."

And then I think, "You know what, if he wants/needs to be mad at me, that's his deal. I am not going to call him anymore. I have called him too many times as it is. I am weak, that may be true, but I don't need his abuse. Part of respecting myself is not subjecting myself to situations that make me unhappy or especially that make me feel bad about myself as a person. I did nothing wrong or disrespectful in asking for my stuff back. It is unreasonable for him to be angry with me."

And all my upset fell away. I turned off my phone, popped in a DVD and enjoyed the rest of my evening.

More On Respect

Respect. My most recent lesson. One I am trying to incorporate into my daily life. In as such, life seems to have taken on a different pace and I have taken on a different role. The difference is subtle, but it exists all the same.

I find that in giving respect to the people I encounter, I am forced to slow down a bit, to listen, to do my best not to interrupt. I find that I must think before I speak: "Is what I'm about to say critical or negative? Is what I'm going to say going to be perceived the way I intend? Is my humor going to be somewhat hurtful?" So I am listening more. And I am more calm. In dealing with strangers or friends I have not seen for a long time, I find that I am often uncomfortable and awkward. In treating them respectfully, I find it easier to face them.

And I am trying to extend these principals to myself. I am trying to not fill my head with negative self-talk. I am trying to be humble but not self-effacing. I am trying to let myself grieve gracefully, to acknowledge my disappointments and to be real.

Doing so is not as hard as I thought it might be. On all fronts. It's just a matter of taking a split second to think.

Like I said the other day, I hope I can make it last.

CycloneGirl says to do something for 21 days and it will become a habit. I will try to act this way for the entire month of October, and longer if I can. Hopefully, it will become a habit.

Calm

I feel more steady and calm today than I have for a while. More myself. Don't know quite how to describe it, but perhaps it's just good not to have to try so hard anymore. Being with Rover meant keeping up a front all the time--to him, to others, to myself. Now I can just relax. There's a song I heard today by Kelly Clarkson. Think it's called Since You've Been Gone. One of the lines is something like, "Since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time." Here it is:

Here's the thing
we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say
But since you've been gone

I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah

Etc., etc. It fits. So I think for the first time I'm really doing better. I don't know what changed. Perhaps it was just that the time with him this last time was so blank, so nothing.

Still, I asked from him for honesty I was not capable of giving. And he gave it. For that, I give him credit. In many ways, he is a better man than I.

But next time, I don't want to have to work so hard. It doesn't have to be as complicated as we made it, as RacerEx and I made it. It doesn't. I've had it the other way.

For now, there's simply peace.

Day #2

Feeling okay. Know that my decision concerning Rover was the right one. Feel confident I can make it stick this time. Things had changed sufficiently between us so that I'm not experiencing that same loss and longing I have felt after breaking it off with him in the past.

Still need to figure out what to do about my self-esteem. I'm hoping that will come back up with time and distance. Considering therapy. I'll give it a few weeks and see how it goes. I figure I'll have good days and bad days and that the good days will eventually out number the bad ones as time elapses. I am just trying to be myself now. I am not trying to put on a smile, I am not holding back my tears (within reason), I am allowing myself to grieve and to feel okay. I am, however, trying to mellow out and not be so volatile, so erratic.

I asked that Rover give me my stuff back, stuff I've never asked for in the past. I don't expect he'll be needing it anymore, and I don't need to let him keep it as a bridge back to me.

* * * *
Another ugly run in with RacerEx. This time he sent me a nasty gram back and then changed his telephone number so I cannot talk to him. Again, it is sad, but I don't really care. I am so fed up with him, so angry about how he treated me at the end, so sick of his inability to communicate and so tired of his lies.

* * * *
I'm at work today. As I said, Destiny took care of me and Rover is still off with his bruises from the accident. I think he'll be back to work on Monday, but I may be able to trade out of the watch and work Tuesday instead.

I have my weekend booked up. That's good.

Anyhow, gotta go.

What it All Boils Down To

I woke up this morning thinking clearly.

In that state, I realized that what everything boils down to between Rover and me is respect. Or a lack thereof.

From the beginning it has been missing. Neither of us had respect for our partners (him especially) as we began our relationship. From that point forward, he has not shown me respect nor I have shown him much respect (e.g., my blowing up at him on Friday night in front of the crew because I thought he had made a stupid decision and because I was mad at him personally). Lastly, I have shown little my respect for myself, thus enabling him to continue treating me with little respect.

So that must stop. All of it.

I must respect that he has feelings for and a desire to pursue and continue in a relationship with Lips. He must respect my time and my space and my need for a partner who comes unencumbered by another relationship/love. I must have enough respect for myself to ensure I am not treated like a doormat and also to ensure that I feel good about myself.

That's what it all boils down to.

So I called him this morning and told him about respect.

And then we decided to break up.

And in so doing I asked him to try and wipe our slate clean so that we can start again from a new place. A place with no baggage, a place with no bad habits, a place of mutual respect. I told him I would be respectful of his relationship with Lips and that I would not call or pursue him or in anyway get in the way again. (He told me I was not in the way, but I denied it.) I asked him to be respectful of my time and not to pursue me unless he is fully available to do so. He agreed.

We cried.

And then I said good-bye.

I'm really sad, but it wasn't working anyway.

Now I need to take some time out. Quite a bit of time out, actually. I think I'm ready to do that.

* * * *
In regards to myself, I think I need to exercise more respect for others in general. I tend to be negative and flip with my comments. Critical. I need to think more before I speak. I hope I can do that. Today I'm doing well. I hope I can put it into practice in a lasting way. I want to.

Backfire?

So my "plans" blew up in my face yesterday. First of all, I was lonely and sad to be alone, so that was a big failure. And then, pathetically, I called Rover about 500 times... but he was never home.

Come to find out that because I wouldn't see him yesterday he ended up at Lips house and spent the night there. He told me she wanted to see him but he was going to see me instead, but when I put my game into action, he was free to see her. So he did.

Great.

So my plan blew up in my face.

Or did it?

My housemate says that my plan simply revealed his true character. I suppose she is right. So, in that way, what I did was a success.

But I still feel horrible.

And I am forced to look at my own character. Had I been in his shoes, I would have done the same thing. I did the same thing and only too recently. On the days I had nothing to do, I went to RacerEx's house and tried to put things back together with him. When it was not working, I sought out Rover and did the same thing with him. Back and forth. Back and forth. This behavior I understand too well.

And in following a book's advice and acting in a way that didn't come naturally to me, I only ended up feeling badly. Lonely. Alone. Bored. Missing Rover. That's what following the advice did for me.

And now I'm back at ground zero with the Lips situation.

But it wasn't happening between Rover and me anyway, so what's the big deal.

I don't know. I'm doing okay, I guess, but I sure don't like my life very much, haven't in a long, long time. Even when I am not with Rover, even when we are broken up, my actions center around doing everything I can to eradicate him from my thoughts and my life. He is in me.

What is wrong with me? I need hypnotherapy or something. I need to move away. I know you can't run from your problems, but sometimes you need a change of scenery.

I can't leave my job.

And I don't feel like "dating" anymore. I'm tired of the pursuit. I'm not there in my head and I can't force it anymore. Nothing I try works.

I feel the failure.

23 Skiddoo

Was walking to my car from the gym this morning when I ran into RacerEx. He was sitting on a bench with his bicycle, drinking a cup of coffee. I raised my eyebrows as I walked towards him. He raised one hand in a waive. I waived back. I continued walking towards him but before reaching the curb made a left turn and headed directly to my car. I saw his face register surprise as he saw I was not going to talk to him. I got into my car and drove away.

I did not want to talk to him. I did not want to stand there awkwardly and exchange information. I do not want to hear about anything in his life. I do not love him or like him anymore. I don't care one iota.

It's a shame, because I miss my dog.

Sinking In

I picked up a book called Why Men Prefer Bitches at the book store the other day. I'm not normally one for pop psychology, but this one caught my eye and, when I skimmed the contents, the text was interesting to me.

So I read it. It talks a lot about putting oneself in the position of doormat rather than strong, self-respecting woman, and, as I read, I realized what I've known inside all along: I let Rover treat me like a doormat. The book really spoke to me; I could relate to all of it, and I mean every chapter. And somehow, the advice I read really sunk in.

So I decided to begin applying it, to Rover, to my life, etc.

I've made (and may continue to make) a few tactical errors, but today I put the strongest one into effect. I turned him down for a date.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know I mentioned tactics, and I am trying to employ some certain strategy, but I'm honestly not trying to play games. I turned down his offer to see me today because it came (1) only after I asked him to ask me out and (2) after already asking him on Wednesday what his plans were for this weekend.

When I asked him Wednesday what his plans were for this weekend, he told me he didn't know. When I asked if he'd like to do something with me, he waffled and again said he didn't know what his plans were. He offered up no explanation of what tentative plans he may have or what his goals were for the weekend. I told him I considered "I don't know" a "no" and that I would make other plans.

He made no offer to see me at another time in the future. I told him I would appreciate his asking me to do things in advance and also that he could not take me and my availability for granted while at the same time not being my boyfriend. (Hope that makes sense to you all.)

Anyhow, his plans for this weekend fell through (he was going to go visit his son, who flaked on him). Concurrently, and because it is driving me nuts that he doesn't seem to want to make plans with me, I slipped him a note last night that said "Ask me out!!!" and told him it was driving me crazy. This morning he passed me a note, entitled Invitation, with plans for today: 9:00--coffee at Starbucks; 10:00 watch football game in bed and nap; 12:00--drinks at our favorite bar; 2:00 drive through country.

Very sweet and cute.

But very last minute.

So, no, I don't have any big plans today. But I haven't been home in four days and I have stuff to do--mundane stuff, like mowing the lawn and going to the gym, but stuff I'd planned to do because I had no plans, because he wouldn't make plans with me. And as I sat there looking at his invitation, I thought, "Well, if he comes up at 9:00, I can't go the gym. And if we're going to spend all day in bed, I can't get anything done." And, honestly, I can mow the lawn tomorrow. I can. But why should I push my plans aside at the last minute because all his better plans fell through?

I shouldn't. Right?

And it's not that I don't want to see him. Because I do. His described day sounds ideal to me. I love that kind of day.

And it's not that I'm inflexible. I am happy to go with the flow and change plans to accommodate other people's schedules.

But not on these terms.

If we had some established, respectable pattern of a relationship, well, then, sure, of course. I understand his need and desire to see his kid and to spend the night because it's a long drive. But this is not an isolated incident. The last-minute dates are the rule, not the exception. And I don't want to do it that way anymore. It's not fair, it's not respectful, and it makes me feel bad.

So I turned him down. And I told him why, too. That book I read talks about not having a bunch of emotional discussions but making talks bottom-line discussions, the kind of discussions men have with other men, the kind they understand. And I probably shouldn't have explained myself at all, because the book talks about talking issues to death and nagging and stuff, but I wanted to be clear. I wanted him to know that I need for him to show me that I factor in and am not just the there's-nothing-better-to-do-today-so-I'll-show-up-at-Morgan's-house person.

Because I don't want to be that person.

So it's about me. Not about him.

I gave him some other dates to see me, all of which he told me he was busy. I simply nodded my head, okay.

I am afraid that he won't come around anymore, that he will not want to see me. But I need to know. But it's more than that. My time and my heart are valuable and precious. If not to him, well, then to me.

So that's where I am today. I am apprehensive. I am sad not to be spending time with someone I love but instead will be pushing the mower over my lawn, but this is how it is. Those were plans and they are the things I will do. Or not. But it is up to me to decide. Not him.