What Now?

Rover came over tonight to help me with some electrical work.

It was awkward at first. On the phone, he'd told me not to eat anything, that he wanted to have dinner with me, but I wasn't really in the mood to hang with him much.

He worked in silence. I turned on a CD and packed up my broken window shade to be mailed off and repaired.

He told me he misses me. I told him I miss him too, but so what. Missing one another changes nothing and doesn't make anything any better; it makes it worse, harder.

We sat quietly together on my couch as we waited for half-an-hour, as prescribed by the lighting fixture instructions, to ensure the fixture did not heat up.

Finally, he started to talk. He asked me, "After your vacation with RacerEx [the last one in which I declared I was no longer in love with him], what did you and he talk about?"

I told him I couldn't really remember but that we always had gotten along well, even during our times of trouble and that while we were fighting more and more often, we were still able to talk about everything. "Why?" I asked him.

"Because Lips and I can't talk about things."

"What kind of things?"

"Well, like our future together."

"Why not?"

"I guess we never talked about it in the past. And I think she wants me to move in with her."

"You think she does, or she DOES?"

"She does."

"And you don't want to?"

He shook his head, "No. Absolutely not."

"Well, it sounds as if you two have nothing to discuss. What would there be to talk about? You two have no future. You want things to stay exactly the same, to be just as they've always been. She wants something different, more."

"I don't think I want things the way they were."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't stop thinking about you. When I'm with her I'm lonely."

Long pause from me.... "Were you lonely when you were with me?"

"No."

"Not at all? You didn't miss her when we spent that month together?"

"Not when I was with you. I had a great time with you."

"Are you sure you just don't want me when you can't have me and vice versa?"

"I'm sure of it." Blah, blah, blah.

* * * *
Anyway, we talked along those lines for a while. He said lots of things to me, told me he wants to be with me, etc., but that he wants to do it right this time. He told me he wants to help me fix my place and go camping with me and watch me fish. He told me he wants to move up north to his house near mine.

He told me lots of things.

He told me he wants to do it right, that he wants to do it right both with me and with her, that he likes her and wants to break up with her properly, that he wants to maintain good relations with her, etc.

He said a lot of things that made me feel loved and made me feel good and comfortable and secure for the first time ever.

* * * *
He always paints such pretty pictures.

Were he an artist he would be famous.

* * * *
I sent him on his way, telling him we would see..., and to drive safely.

* * * *
Wednesday I am going to the movies with RacerEx.

That's all. Nite.

Oh yeah, TheGreek has Hep-C. Yikes! Glad I took things super slowly with him. Glad he was honest. Sorry Greek, I just can't do it.