Snoopy

Dropped off the dog at RacerEx's house this morning. Went into the kitchen to make sure she had water and noticed a little bag from Tiffany's on the kitchen counter. Not that I was snooping or anything.... Okay, I started snooping because I was wondering if what was inside was wrapped....

So I opened the bag, moved the tissue aside, and found a ring box. Wrapped. Damn it! I assume it's for GirlNext. Wonder if it's an engagement ring. Could be. He has said he's not ready for that step, not ready for even more than just a few times a week, but things do change. Maybe he realized that it's the girl and not the boobs that matter most. Dunno.

So how do I feel about that? About the possibility of RacerEx getting married again? About it happening now?

Honestly, I think I'm okay. Perhaps the slightest bit sad. But not really. While there's still a part of me that holds onto him, I'm okay with letting him go, with letting him heal and move on. As a matter of fact, I do wish him well, hope he finds the emotional peace and happiness he deserves. He's such a great person. A fine man. He's lovely, and I want him to be well.

We had our time together and I loved him. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love anyone, more than I think I might ever love anyone again. I'm glad I had the opportunity to feel that way.

Sure, I'm a little broken now, a little jaded. I'm a little, uh, resentful? irritated? that I ended up having to pay him so much money for the pleasure of his company over the years, but that's what happens with divorce. But it is what it is. I profitted from my first divorce, lost in my second one. It's a wash. I probably won't be walking down that road again, at least not so blindly the next time.

But, anyhow, I'm okay with the prospect of his getting married again, of moving on and even having children if that's what he wants. I don't know if that's what's going on or if that's even what he wants. But let him have what he wants. It's time.

* * * *
Meanwhile, I've been doing some thinking about my own future. About family, about my life. I'm doing well. I'm feeling good and stable. I like where my life is. I'm happy with Rover. I don't need or even want to marry him. I don't even think I want to live with him--can't envision it. I am content.

But I think I want a child. I'd like to create a family of sorts. I have the time; I have the money; I have a partner who I know would contribute to our child's life. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and if Rover is amenable to it, I want to make it happen before it's too late. If I can't get pregnant, so be it. Perhaps I'll give some serious thought to adopting a baby, perhaps a little girl from China.

So that's where I am today.