Cut Offs

Had to cut off RacerEx the day before yesterday.

When he called Thursday afternoon to say hi and to firm up our plans for a Friday nite movie, he told me he'd been out on a bike ride (a frickin' long one) with some girl from his firehouse. As soon as he mentioned it, I started feeling sick to my stomach and quietly started to cry. Things got awkward on the phone. I asked if she liked him; he said she has a boyfriend. I said that makes no difference--he should know that. He didn't volunteer that he had no interest in her; he said nothing to reassure me; he pretty much said nothing except that he felt awkward and would call me later.

I, upset, told him I didn't want him to hang up and told him I felt jealous and worried that he was going to go off and meet someone else and that I just can't handle hearing about it. He said something about feeling no emotions for anyone and not wanting to. Period. I asked why it was then that we were fooling around. He said he guessed we shouldn't anymore. He repeated how he felt awkward and again tried to excuse himself off the phone, saying he would call me later.

I told him, "No."

"What?" he said.

"I said no. Don't call me later. To talk about what? There's no point." And I meant it. After all, if we couldn't talk about it then, what was there to talk about later? We hung up.

I will not talk to him anymore except for dog exchanges and business. I do not want his friendship. He is not a good friend. He can go be emotionless with someone new, someone who has no history, someone who he cannot hurt by feeling nothing. I am not interested in an emotionless relationship with him. Sorry, Charlie.

So I cut him off. I cut Rover off. Everyone's cut off. Finally.

It's been a rough couple of days. Yesterday was good because I was at the office and around jolly, happy people. Today is more difficult. I feel down. Alone. But I am pre-menstrual, so maybe that explains it. Still...

I read the post from the other day about feling good. It did me no good. I feel like crying.

Oh well. Gotta go clean out the hot tub.