Ciao!

And I'm off to Italy. Thanks for all your well wishes.

I'll write after April 10th. Take care.

Nada

Just haven't had too much to say lately.

I leave for Italy on Tuesday. I'll be gone for three weeks, and I doubt I'll be posting. I'm pretty excited. Weather's not looking too hot. Same as here--rainy and cold. But cooler weather is better for walking and exploring, so I'm okay with it. I'd prefer to skip the rain, but there's nothing I can do to control the weather.

Rover and I are doing fine. Whatever.

My birthday is tomorrow. 40. Now I'm officially old. I feel/look good, tho, so I guess that's all I can ask for.

Anyhow, just wanted to check in. See 'ya.

Always A Surprise

So after my lovely night by myself, I had a talk with Rover in the morning, or rather, he detected my distance and asked what the matter was. I told him quite simply I was tired of once again hearing about how his seeing me distracts him from and prevents him from accomplishing his life's tasks and goals. I told him I would not put up with it, and that my response would be to step back and withdraw. I told him how surprised I'd been how after our confrontation and his apology on this very issue late last week he would again make reference to my supposed interference in his life.

We left the conversation there because he was on his way to a meeting.

Several hours later he called me back to tell me this:

He once again was sorry for making me feel that I was in his way. He said he does not feel that way and that he does not want me to feel that way either. He admitted that he is spastic with his time and feels disorganized, and is sorry if he made me feel pressured by his sense of what amounts to panic about his own, self-imposed time constraints. He told me that he doesn't want to make me withdraw and that he wants to include me in his life, that he intends to include me in his life and that his plans for me are long term, not short term. He told me he would try harder and that he loves me and needs me and doesn't want to alienate me.

Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

So I continue to give him "another chance," but remain skeptical, as always. Trusting him is still an issue for me. So I will continue to stand back a bit and watch. Because, as we all know, actions speak louder than words. And how I act, react, is just as important as how he acts. I don't know what my "plans" are for him. Right now, I don't have any, so. I'll just watch and wait until....

Finding Pleasure in No

Rover called me this morning. I worked all weekend, so we didn't see one another. He told me he misses me and asked what I was doing tonight. I told him I didn't have any plans, so he invited me over...

... The catch was he'd scheduled an after-work meeting with a client and didn't know how late the meeting would go. I offered to drive down and be at his place at 9:00, thinking that would give him plenty of time. But he said he didn't think he'd be home by 9:00, perhaps closer to 10:00, maybe even later. He'd try to keep the meeting short, but he couldn't guarantee it. He told me he'd leave me a key and that I could let myself in whenever I got there. He dangled the opportunity for me to sleep in a little later tomorrow before I had to get up for work. I agreed and told him I'd come down and perhaps take the opportunity to go through his closet to help find potential items for him to bring to Italy if that was okay with him. He consented.

But then I got to thinking.

I don't sleep well at his house. His house is cold and messy. There is no internet access there. I don't particularly enjoy his house in any way, on any level. So why was I going to hang around there without him, only to have him come home late so we could possibly have sex and sleep fitfully together? What was in it for me?

Nothing I could think of.

So I told called him back this afternoon and told him I'd thought about his offer, but was going to say no thanks, that I'd rather stay home in my snuggly warm house and catch up on my Tivo.

Another first for me. I've never told him no thanks before.

I honestly would rather get up at 5:15 a.m. after a good night's sleep and a nice meal than sit around a dirty house waiting for him to show up. I told him in my message that I'd rather hang out with him when he had time to spend.

There are no other opportunities to see him this week. He is working the days I am not and has committed one day to go see his son the only other day we have off together. Guess I don't fit in. Oh well.

When we talked this morning, he told me he was just going to "let go" of all the projects he has to complete and stop stressing about them until he gets back from Italy. I told him it was a good plan. Then I pointed out that there had been days he'd had the opportunity to work on his place but had chosen not to. He said that was because he'd been with me. I gently reminded him of the days he had not spent with me but had chosen to goof off instead of working. I wish I had thought to say, "Well, I guess when we come back we know what's going to have to be sacrificed" (time with me).

I am ready for it.

I will find something else to do. I am working on it already.

Gotta go now. See ya!

Sticking To My Guns

So I was really angry at Rover the other day, and I didn't talk to him all day. Didn't answer my phone until after he'd called four or five times. He asked how I was and I gave him a short "fine." He said, "Are you better than you were this morning?" And I answered, "No, no really."

He said, "Well, I probably shouldn't come over tonight then."

"No. Probably not." I answered curtly. He let out a surprised breath. And then I said good bye.

He called me later that night, at about 7:00, and asked me why I was so angry. I told him I felt he made me feel like I was wasting his time. He said, "I know how you feel, but what did I do wrong?"

So I let him have it. I told him he'd been rude to me over the phone, that he'd made me feel as if it was unreasonable to expect him to give me a time to meet him, etc. I basically told him I was sick of being made to feel that I was taking up his time, that I was interfering with his getting his important tasks done, that I was tired of accommodating his schedule all of the time with little consideration for my own. He got mad at me, but I told him I didn't have time to argue with him, that I'd made plans with a girlfriend (which I had).

Anyhow. He called back later, while I was in the theater with my friend, and told me he was driving up to my town and would be in a certain bar and that he'd be waiting for me there.

When I arrived around 10:00 p.m., (after my friend had gone home to her kids, and not a moment before she and I were truly done with our evening), he was still there waiting for me. I sat down next to him and ordered a drink. He turned to me and said, "I want to say something to you." Then he apologized for his attitude and told me he would work harder at not making feel the way he did. It was a good apology, and I forgave him.

But things are a little different now.

Remaining in my heart is the knowledge that we are going nowhere together, that there will be no sense of community, that we will never truly be involved in one another's lives.

So I will do my best to enjoy myself and continue to work on moving forward emotionally and on defining what I am truly looking for in a relationship. I will make the best use of my time with him, as TheFuture suggested.

Gone are my illusions.

I think that is a good thing.

I Am So Angry

Pissed to the nth degree!

Taking Up Time

My work associate (who I shall call TheFuture, because I love her and she is young and holds so much promise) and I were talking about Rover and his parents yesterday. I have met them, but they do not know Rover and I are dating. They do not know he is going to Italy with me. They think we are just friends. I guess. Who knows what they think.

TheFuture pointed out to me that it really wasn't very important that they know about me because Rover and I are not getting married or anything.

And as I lay there in his bed last night, already angry about his making me feel that I am taking up his time and that being with me is just another time commitment which stresses him out, I realized that TheFuture had a very good point. Rover and I are not getting married nor are we ever going to live together. There is no need for me to get to know or get involved with his family or even his friends, for that matter. What we have is what it is. That he feels time pressure in meeting up with and hanging out with me arises from the state of perpetual dating. Were we to live together or to be married, or if I even had a key to his place, he would not have to rush home to meet me at a predetermined time nor would I care if he were home at any particular time because I wouldn't have to wait out in front of his house in my car until he arrived.

And I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to wait in my car. His inability to effectively manage his time should not mean that my time is less important. It is not.

So I left his house mad this morning. He wanted to know what was bothering me and I told him I was not ready to talk about it yet, that the feelings hadn't fully formulated in my head yet and that I couldn't articulate what I was feeling. Besides, I told him, I didn't want him to get mad. He pushed me, making me talk to him. But there was no time to talk to him. Fifteen minutes before I had to leave is not enough time. But I told him anyway.

And he erupted.

But I didn't not fall victim to him. He tried to twist my words around and put them back on me. I did not let him. His tactics failed. When I finally told him that I felt I should add to his life and not take away from it, he told me that last night had taken away from his life and that he considered it a waste. I got up from the bed and got dressed, telling him that was a shitty thing to say and then added that I hadn't enjoyed myself either to be quite honest.

It is ridiculous that I constantly have to worry that time spent with me is taking up too much of his time. If he chooses not to included me in his life, I cannot be held responsible for his taking time outside of it to be with me. If he is too busy to take the time, then he should just stop it and do something more constructive with his time. God knows, I'll do the same.

So I have been pissed all morning, but not in a disabled sort of way.

TheFuture is a good sounding board. She gives me so much to think about. And she's usually right. When I told her this morning my thoughts on his parents, she agreed and then said, "Well, are you involved with him or are you involved with him and his life?" And I said, "I'm not involved with his life, just him." And she said, "Well, then you're lucky you're not burdened with the obligations that come with his family." And then we laughed as she said, "Lips is taking care of that."

So that's that. I'm fine.