Still Hooked In

Rover still affects my day-to-day life, but I'm definitely getting better.

After his visit to me to fix the electrical stuff and his talk with me about where things stand with him and Lips, he began calling me in the mornings, leaving me cute little messages. They were really nice to receive and I told him so, thus encouraging more calls. On Sunday, while with Lips for the weekend, he didn't call.

Sunday nite I called him and asked him for clarification about what he and I had talked about the previous week at my house. When he told me he basically will hang in there with Lips and try to continue to see her in any capacity possible, I told him I think it better that he not call me regularly, especially if said regularity is interrupted because he is with her and I am, once again, invisible to family, friends, girlfriend, etc.

He blew up, had a spaz, etc.

We had a long, long talk and in the end, and after many tears, he agreed not to call me again until (if and when) he breaks up with Lips. I was all upset and spent some of yesterday recovering.

So I lapsed a little, but nipped it quickly in the bud. I feel pretty good about that.

After all, I am not going to let him worm his way back into my heart while he is still with her. I am not going to subject myself to that heartache.

I will not be there for him during the rocky times with her so that he has someone to "talk to" until things smooth over for them and they are again on better terms. He needs to talk to her. If he cannot, well, that is his/their problem.

I will not be there to supplement for him what is missing from their relationship so he can drag things out with her in a more satisfying manner while continuing to string me along, hiding me from his family and from the world. I will not be invisible. The affair is over. My terms are clear: we are either dating or not. If not, he's on his own with her.

I will not provide him with entertainment, conversation, sex, etc. now that the summer is coming to a close and the weather has turned unseasonably cold. It frosts me that he dumped me just before the July 4th weekend and before the summer at the River began. He can find something else to do, somewhere else to go.

* * * *
I am not saying that I am over him or through with him or that I would not take him back. I am not saying that I do not think about him all the time. On the contrary. I am still in love with him. But my actions from this point forward will be different. I have nothing to lose. He is already gone and was never mine in the first place. I may fall down, but I will collect myself as quickly as possible and steel myself from unnecessary pain. I will not let him use me or mistreat me as he has done in the past. If he does not want me on my terms--or at least on some terms in which the compromise is acceptable to both of us--then he can find someone else.

If I am alone for the rest of my life, so be it.

I am done with what we had. It's forward or nowhere with him.

I am in motion.