Little Boxes

Earrings come in little boxes. I'd forgotten about earrings.

Anyhow. Kids with Rover is a no-go. I talked with him about it the other night and the conversation didn't go too well. Told him I had a serious question for him and asked him if he really was done having children. He said yes.... and then, for some uncontrolable reason, I started to cry. Not a lot, but tears definitely sprang to my eyes. I hadn't anticipated having such a strong response, because I kind of figured that's what'd he say.

He didn't respond too well to the tears. He didn't get angry or anything, but I have to say I spent the remainder of the evening reassuring him that his not wanting to have a kid didn't mean I was leaving him.

At one point, I told him that if I really wanted a child I could go the same route as RoomyEx (sperm donor). He told me that if I decided to do that he could not stand by me, that it would just be too difficult a situation to explain to everyone. That kind of pissed me off, but whatever. At least I know what reality is.

I'm on my own.

Nothing new.

I wouldn't go the sperm donor route anyway. I don't like the idea of it. I'd adopt. Don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Regardless, it bothered me that he wanted such strong reassurance that he wasn't going to lose me while at the same time telling me that he would dump me if I had a child by a donor. Go figure!

But at least we've covered all the big topics: Marriage--no; living in--no; babies--no. Let's see, all the benefits without any of the hassels of commitment. Okay.

To put a positive spin on it, what that means to me is I can do whatever I want with my life. It's mine and mine alone and I have no obligation to anyone else. Kind of liberating, really.

* * * *
Boy! it's freeeeezing here. Was going to come home and go for a run, but it's only 34 degrees out (cold for California), so I guess I'll go run on the treadmill.

Now where did I put my iPod????

See ya.

Snoopy

Dropped off the dog at RacerEx's house this morning. Went into the kitchen to make sure she had water and noticed a little bag from Tiffany's on the kitchen counter. Not that I was snooping or anything.... Okay, I started snooping because I was wondering if what was inside was wrapped....

So I opened the bag, moved the tissue aside, and found a ring box. Wrapped. Damn it! I assume it's for GirlNext. Wonder if it's an engagement ring. Could be. He has said he's not ready for that step, not ready for even more than just a few times a week, but things do change. Maybe he realized that it's the girl and not the boobs that matter most. Dunno.

So how do I feel about that? About the possibility of RacerEx getting married again? About it happening now?

Honestly, I think I'm okay. Perhaps the slightest bit sad. But not really. While there's still a part of me that holds onto him, I'm okay with letting him go, with letting him heal and move on. As a matter of fact, I do wish him well, hope he finds the emotional peace and happiness he deserves. He's such a great person. A fine man. He's lovely, and I want him to be well.

We had our time together and I loved him. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love anyone, more than I think I might ever love anyone again. I'm glad I had the opportunity to feel that way.

Sure, I'm a little broken now, a little jaded. I'm a little, uh, resentful? irritated? that I ended up having to pay him so much money for the pleasure of his company over the years, but that's what happens with divorce. But it is what it is. I profitted from my first divorce, lost in my second one. It's a wash. I probably won't be walking down that road again, at least not so blindly the next time.

But, anyhow, I'm okay with the prospect of his getting married again, of moving on and even having children if that's what he wants. I don't know if that's what's going on or if that's even what he wants. But let him have what he wants. It's time.

* * * *
Meanwhile, I've been doing some thinking about my own future. About family, about my life. I'm doing well. I'm feeling good and stable. I like where my life is. I'm happy with Rover. I don't need or even want to marry him. I don't even think I want to live with him--can't envision it. I am content.

But I think I want a child. I'd like to create a family of sorts. I have the time; I have the money; I have a partner who I know would contribute to our child's life. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and if Rover is amenable to it, I want to make it happen before it's too late. If I can't get pregnant, so be it. Perhaps I'll give some serious thought to adopting a baby, perhaps a little girl from China.

So that's where I am today.

'Tis The Season

Hosted a Christmas Dessert & Cocktail party last night. It was a hoot. Thank god for the Pig and his knuckleheaded companion. They were the first to arrive (with the except of RoomyEx and her mom who arrived hours early and who were napping/getting ready upstairs when they arrived). The Pig's loud and obnoxious knock on the front door set the tone for the entire evening: loud (but not really obnoxious).

Everyone laughed and yelled and talked over one another. Rover played bar tender, making the margaritas on the weak side, which meant no one got shit-face drunk--thank god. People congregated in the kitchen, to capacity, and then eventually split up into the family and living rooms. Most people stayed until 1:00 a.m. No one drove drunk. Everyone was drinking water at the end. Nice to have responsible friends who know how to have fun.

The only exceptions were The Rabbit and Rover's sister-in-law PillsburyDoughGirl.

Doughy sat on the couch by herself from the get-go, drawing people in and away from the crowd to pay attention to her. The typical wall flower. Feeling responsible for her welfare and good time, I tried to talk to her and include her, but to no avail. As soon as some other peripheral conversation caught my ear, I was lost to her.

The Rabbit, unbeknownst to me until last night, pulled the same act. He sat on his own, admittedly tired from a long week of surgery and hospital administration, and, as with Doughy, I sought him out and paid him attention. But he's just not social. He offers nothing, brings nothing, contributes nothing. He does not laugh, joke, or even, at a minimum, participate in or offer up interesting or even dull conversation. Every attempt to engage him is a dead end. High maintenance.

So what is it? Are Doughy and The Rabbit just dull? Or is it that they're just both depressives? They're both on meds, both prone to depression. Is that it?

Dunno, but next time, I'm not bothering with all the attempts at making them feel at home in a crowd. I missed out on a lot of the party in being a good hostess to them.

* * * *
Things are good. Fine even. Sailing along smoothly with few bumps. My fibroids are acting up again so I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and go in for a procedure. Hope it works. Anyhow, that reminds me that I need to email my doctor. Hope all's well out there in BlogLand.

Merry, merry.

Time and a Half

Been working as much overtime as possible lately to try and make up for the lack of a second job and to try and make ends meet more smoothly. I think I'm finally catching up.

Things are going just fine. Nothing exciting to report. Feeling much better since my last post. Really think my moods have a lot to do with PMS, as much as I hate to admit it....

I've been tapering off the Effexor lately. It wasn't seeming to have much of an effect (meaning I haven't been sleeping as well again and my energy levels have dropped), so I was wondering if I'd bottomed out on the drug. Instead of increasing the dosage, I decided to try to taper off and give drug-free living another try. I've been on 1/2 a pill for the last week or so and seem to be doing fine. I'll continue with this dose for a while and then try to stop all together. Wish me luck.

I've decided to host a Holiday Dessert & Cocktail party this Friday nite. I've been feeling in the holiday mood and want to celebrate with friends. I'm looking forward to it. Set up the tree tonite. It looks very pretty. I'll throw some lights up around the living and dining rooms too.

Anyhow, that's about it. Like I said, nothing exciting.

Been raining the last few days, which means it has warmed up a bit. Kind of muggy today. I like it. Makes my hair curly.

Nite now.

Run Around

Haven't been home much lately. Mom was here visiting for 24 hours over Thanksgiving weekend. In that time she managed to drive me crazy. She's such a spaz. God, please let me have the power to not become just like her!

Feeling blue today. It's been coming on for the last few days. Haven't seen much of Rover this week. Guess it's connected to that. Been hanging out with girlfriends (and Mom) all week. Spent a few nights at Rover's house, but basically just went over to sleep. Actually, one night we drove up to Sacramento to have dinner with his son, but I wasn't into going. I had wanted to work a day of overtime, but I had already committed to the dinner. When I tried to make plans to spend the day or some afternoon time with Rover before the dinner, he wouldn't commit. When I got there in the evening, he pretty much ignored me and paid bills until we left.

Yesterday kind of went the same way. Yesterday was our only real day off to spend with one another and he told a friend he'd do some electrical work for him. He invited me to come down and watch. Uh, no thanks. I worked half a shift for someone who needed it and told Rover I'd meet up with him later. He said he'd be working until 7:00 or 8:00. Later he called and asked if I wanted to drive down and go to a Warriors game that began at 6:30. So much for having to work until 7 or 8. I told him no, I'd made other plans with some girlfriends, which I had. Cyclone and DoeEyed and I went out for dinner, drinks and dancing and had a great time. After midnight, I headed back to Rover's place to sleep. For some reason, driving to his place made me feel more and more down.

I was quiet when I got there. He wanted to have sex, but I was feeling glum and didn't initiate or respond but instead talked a bit and then went to sleep. He woke me up at 5 a.m. and we had sex. He went off to work this morning and I slept until almost 11:00 and then came home. I'm working tomorrow and Tuesday. We have plans for Wednesday, but I feel too down to look forward to seeing him.

I feel alone. And ungrateful. I know I have a nice boyfriend and good girlfriends, but I feel alone. Shameful. I am an idiot for not appreciating what I have. Perhaps I just need some sleep. Feel like going back to bed. Think I will.