Finally

In regards to my last post...

To be honest, I just don't care anymore. About Match.com, about whether RacerEx wants me back, about whether Rover chooses Lips over me.

Any of it.

I just don't care.

I thought about re-establishing my ad on Match, but, you know what? I just don't feel like it. I've got things to do, friends to visit, projects to complete.

And I don't need to just get laid.

And I don't even feel as if I need love in my life anymore. I mean, shoot, I've been without it for so long now, I realize it's just not going to make or break me.

I mean, I guess I'll meet someone eventually, but, honestly, something in me has changed. I don't know if it's that I've been alone this long now, or the HepC thing, or what, but I just feel different.

And I don't want to talk about everything ad infinitum with my partners anymore. If RacerEx has something he thinks he wants to say but doesn't know what it is, well, guess what? I'm not going to draw it out of him at midnight on the night before one of my few days off. I'm not going to get all bent out of shape because he doesn't feel lovey-dovey towards me anymore and doesn't want to kiss and hug me when we go out. I'm just not going to do it anymore. And I'm not going to cry while Rover tells me what's going on in his life or when he looks at me longingly with his sad, sad doe eyes. I'm sick of it. All you people have made choices. I've made mine. If they don't meet up, well, too bad.

Last night, RacerEx twice said that he'd had a good time with me. I agreed less than enthusiastically. He pressed me, well, hadn't I had a good time? It was okay, not exactly a hoot or anything. And this morning I realized, no, I hadn't had a great time. Sitting in a theater next to someone I want to kiss but who doesn't want to kiss me back is not a great time. Later sitting next to that same disinterested man in a bar full of cute firemen and being unable to flirt because I'm with said disinterested man is not a great time, and watching T.V. with same said distinterested man who only wants to have sex with me but not spend the night or expend any emotions on me does not constitute a good time in my book.

It was a mediocre time, and I don't know when I'm going to subject myself to it again.

What's the point? Friendship? What kind of friend wants to fuck you but doesn't offer help when you tell him you're overwhelmed with projects and need some help? A bad friend. A friend who's not a friend at all. So, I ask again, what's the point?

No point.

I suppose companionship is the point, but, honestly, I can go to the movies by myself and then take myself out for a drink and not have to buy anyone elses. Then I can go home to my house, eat my own sandwhich and go to be when I feel like it--alone--just as I did after going out with RacerEx.

Okay, I'm rambling. I've got to get back to my room. I was just thinking, tho.