Clear

Been weeks since I've had any booze.

Started taking vitamins like Mom told me to.

I've tapered off my Celexa and have been on 1/4 pill (5 mg) for the last four days. Saw a psychiatrist today who told me 5 mgs is probably "sub-therapeutic" and I might as well just stop taking the pills altogether. I'm gonna continue for a day or two tho.

I feel good.

Clear headed.

I've cried a few times over a few things: remembering my dead best friend, watching a movie, thinking about how sad I felt when I was so depressed about my losing RacerEx and the prospect of losing Rover too.

But they weren't depressing kinds of cries. I was sad, to be sure, but only for the moment.

* * * *
What if the fact simply is I've had a difficult, depressing life? What if the fact is that my life is good now and no longer depressing? Is it possible not to be depressed anymore?

God I hope so.

I mean, my childhood sucked. Dad was drunk and violent; Mom ineffectual. My wonderful stepdad died; Mom was a mess. Pedophile boyfriend moved in; Mom was self-absorbed and in denial. No one helped me through it, helped me cope. Marijuana, drugs and cynicism took me through. At least I dated nice men. But they couldn't help.

So I collapsed. But now I feel better. I'm working through it all. I'm drug free and, well, sober too. Not that I really had a drinking problem, but I still had alcohol in my system. And I do think it contributed to some bad feelings--and some stupid fights between Rover and me.

I still sleep a lot. And I still have a long way to go. But I'm going. And that's what matters, I suppose. It's a process.

Pogo

So I'm sitting here at my desk and I keep hearing a noise outside. This repetitive, irritating noise. It stops for a second, and then it starts up again. Grnng grack, grnng grack, grnng grack. What the hell is that noise? And then it hits me: it's a pogo stick. The kids next door must have gotten a pogo stick.

And it's driving me nuckin' futs!

Oh well, they'll lose interest soon enough.

* * * *
Been tapering off my meds again. I'm down to 1/4 pill starting today and I feel okay. I was moody and down the other day, but I think those feelings might be explained by PMS.

Boy am I tired! Fatigue is one of the withdrawal symptoms. So is anxiety and overwhelming depression. So I'll take fatigue. Had difficulty pushing the vacuum cleaner around today, so I guess I'm feeling rather weak too. Not good. Hard to be a macho firefighter when one can barely push a vacuum around.

Wonder if I'm a bit anemic. I've been having some menstrual issues over the last several months amounting to prolonged, heavy bleeding. I had an appointment with my OB-Gyn on Thursday, but he canceled because he was sick. I couldn't get another appointment until September 20th. Ah, managed care. Well, at least I have care. I'll just taking some multi-vitamins with iron just in case.

I go see a real shrink on Tuesday. I want to change meds or get off them completely based on his recommendations. Celexa isn't working for me anymore. Too many side effects have cropped up and I refuse to live with them any longer.

I've gained a lot of weight on this Celexa-- ten to 12 pounds. Yikes! Thank god I was in the best shape ever when I first went on them because now I'm just thicker and still look okay. But I don't like it.

And life with Rover isn't exactly conducive to eating well and exercising regularly. Wish he lived closer.

So I'm not getting much done the last few days due to the fatigue. Oh well, it'll go away eventually, I guess. Or it won't.

That's about it.

* * * * *
Movie recommendation: Go see Little Miss Sunshine. It's a hoot.

Waiting Room

I'm still not feeling great. I think what's happening is ennui is setting in.

Rover and I spent the better part of a week together up at the River just relaxing and socializing with his family and friends. It was nice, but by the end of it, I was exhausted from not sleeping well (bed at his cabin is an old, saggy full mattress, yikes!) and from too much drinking. Not so much from drinking too much at any one time but from drinking two or three drinks every day that we were on our little vacation.

I'm drunk out. Haven't had any booze in almost a week now, and, too be quite honest, I think I have been drinking too much for a while now and I want to give it a long break. I don't want to have to drink to have fun, to enjoy life. I like drinking. It is social and fun and funny. Everyone is looser and sex is great, etc. But I honestly think I've had enough of it lately.

I feel almost the same way I felt when I finally quit smoking. I was just done all of a sudden. I almost feel that way about booze. Guess I'm not much of an addict--the whole time I'm using any kind of substance, there's a part of me that knows it's not good for me and so I have a little voice nagging at me all the time until I finally quit.

Anyhow, back to feeling bored or stagnant or whatever it is....

The other night I was supposed to spend the night at Rover's house after socializing (booze free I will add) with some girlfriends. But I left early from my party and went for a long walk with a girlfriend and didn't feel like spending the night with him, seeing him, etc. So I drove 45 minutes home instead of driving 15 to 20 minutes to his place.

A first.

And then he wanted to spend today together, but I didn't really feel like it. Luckily, I owed someone at work a shift and he needed one today, so I picked up the extra shift and cancelled plans with Rover.

It's not Rover so much as it is me.

I'm getting tired of living on the road. I want to go home to my own house and establish some kind of routine. I haven't been home much in so long, and I don't feel like I'm getting anything done in my life. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, playing hookie from my own life, pissing away time with my "boyfriend," but not moving forward with my own thing--whatever the hell that is.

I need to find something to do/work on that has some meaning for ME. I don't know what that is. I've looked so hard in the past at finding that passion, but I just can't figure out what form it should take. I feel so brain dead. In some ways, I think I'd like to raise a child to give my life some purpose. Certainly, it's not coming from intellectual endeavors. And it's not coming from my love life. Nor from my job.

So what is it? What am I looking for? What do I need? I wish I new. I just want a sense of purpose, an interest, a feeling of forward motion.

I don't feel that right now.

I have weathered the storm and have enjoyed the lull, but now it's time to get moving.

What form will it take/

From Nothing for a Change

So I had an "emergency" headshrinker session today. Actually, I scheduled it yesterday, but I really needed it today.

I've been really off since Thursday. Today I started feeling detached, disassociated from myself, and really down. I came home from Rover's house this morning intent on going to the gym and instead went back to bed and slept until my session.

It was a good session and the strategy now is to pool my resources. I need her, my ob-gyn, and a psychiatrist collaborating with me to achieve the right concoction of drugs and hormones. I will continue with the HeadShrinker so I have someone to talk to.

It's funny. This is the first time I've felt this way, this bad, when nothing has happened to provoke it. I mean, things are good all around. I'm just not doing well right now. It's kind of a relief, really, to know that this time it's all me and not Rover or RacerEx or something. Seems easier to tackle somehow.

Anyhow, that's it. Just wanted to post.

Always Gone

Haven't been around at all to write. Nor have I felt like it.

Things have been going along steadily, with only a couple of major bumps here and there.

I decided last night that my emotional bumps often (or always?) coincide with sessions at HeadShrinker's office, and that perhaps it is time to stop seeing HeadShrinker and let myself enjoy life without ad infinitum introspection.

These moody blues also coincide with low levels or skipped doses of my psych meds. It's scary to think that my stability has grown so dependent on a little pink pill. But, like air and water, I seem to need these SUI's and will go on taking them. Hate how it affects me sexually, but I guess that's the price to pay for happiness.

That's all for now. I'm at work and can't really post in private so. Until next time.