Wary

OK said to be wary, cautious, etc.

How can I be anything else?

He called me this morning and told me what a great time he'd had with me yesterday and how comfortable he'd felt at my house. He mentioned the gratitude I expressed to him yesterday at his helping me. Honestly, I was so thankful for his help yesterday that I had a difficult time expressing my thanks without welling up with tears. Seeing him working, letting him help me made him awfully loveable.

I know he loves me.

But he is still with her.

As long as he is with her he is not truly with me.

He keeps telling me he wants to do things right. Yesterday he told me he would resolve things with her, but that he wants to remain friends. I know they have years of history, but I also know that there has to come a point when he cuts it off. Completely. What is the point in waiting, dragging it out? I know he does so only because he does not want it to end with her. He does not want it to be over.

Therein lies the problem.

As much as he wants to be with me, to help me, to love me, to talk about future plans, he still wants to be with her too. He is still with her.

I now feel as if we have reached the point where the married man is telling his mistress that he wants to leave his wife... but never does it, just keeps promising and talking about how difficult it is, how he doesn't want to hurt her. It is a cliche.

Know that I did not let him help me yesterday to use him. I love him. And, yes, I need the help. From him, from anyone who can and will help me. I'll even pay for the help. It has nothing to do with Rover. That my gratitude for his help overwhelms me is beside the point. I was relieved when the concrete guys came and, likewise, when the patio guy was here. I wasn't overwhelmed by them because I have no emotional history with them.

So as much as I need his help, I cannot be sucked back in. As honest as I truly feel he is being with me about where things stand with Lips, I cannot let myself get caught up in his fantasy about the things he says he'd like to do with me in the future (e.g., go to mass, go camping, help him paint his house, go to Vegas or Arizona, etc.).

We cannot have a future until we have a now.

And we don't have a now until Lips is out of the picture.

It's not enough to let things with her fade away naturally. That will take forever. It has to be clear. There has to be a breaking point. And until there is, there can be no us.

I'll tell him that. Not tonight. Not tomorrow at work. Not Wednesday if we go out so that I can introduce RoomyEx to ElmerFudd, but soon thereafter. Very soon thereafter.