Befuddled

I just can't seem to get over the sudden change in Rover's behavior. It just shows you that actions speak louder than words and that my intuition about how he was acting and feeling in the past was not off base. I mean, now it is SOOO obvious how he feels. Wonder how long it will last? He keeps talking about getting old together and about his grandkids to come, etc.

Guess I should just enjoy it, stop questioning it, etc. But it's just weird, weird, weird.

The More Things Change

Long weekend with Rover. The second we've had. And he asked me if he could see me next weekend, and the weekend after that, and the weekend after that, and all the weekends after that for many years to come.

And he made doe eyes at me and complimented me so much, it was actually too much. And he talked about us and the future and about wanting to help me financially if I need it and about wanting to take care of me if I get sick and about liking me and loving me, etc., etc. He kept kissing me and looking at me and touching my face.

I tell you it was all just too much. Nice, but too much. Over stimulated.

I'm not complaining, mind you.

But it's somewhat bizarre, and I'm baffled at the 180 he's done.

* * * *
As he left tonite I felt a sense of contentment. My house is the cleanest it has been in months. I had companionship all weekend, I accomplished a lot, I'm happy to have my house back to myself, and I don't feel overworked. It's nice to have weekends off for a change.

I feel good (except for my cold and its relapse yesterday). Life is good.

Gonna go watch the boob tube.

10 Pleasures

1. YellowDog (all around).
2. Hunkering down for a nap in the afternoon.
3. The satisfaction of good design (like the nifty cup holder on the seat back of the airline seats on my most recent flight).
4. A neat, tidy, well-organized and clean room/space.
5. Noticing a beautiful day.
6. Waking after a funny dream.
7. A good book.
8. Recognizing I'm in a good mood.
9. Feeling fortunate (I mean the feeling I get when I recognize how lucky I acutally am).
10. Laughing my ass off.

So Much Has Changed

In the words of the illustrious Cheryl Crow, "The change will do you good."

It was so good to get away, to see life from a different perspective, to live simply with few clothes and with little stuff around me, to take public transportation and to eat differently.

I am more relaxed about things. Everything. Had a good therapy session the other day, made good progress in re: RacerEx, Rover and my own life and future, namely goal-setting.

Somehow, I feel so much more tolerant, more patient, less rushed.

* * * *
Roomy has all but moved out, without so much as a month's notice--she found a great place on the west side of town (who knew she was even looking)--and hopes we are all excited for her. More stunned than excited and a little put off at the lack of notice, but, to be quite honest, it's good to have my house back to myself.

In the same vein, being away made me realize I need to start living under the budget of my main salary at the fire department. Having two jobs is great and enables me to spend without worrying (as did having a housemate's income), but I don't want to work so hard forever. Besides, I think I want to go back to school, and I definitely can't keep two jobs and go to school.

I have begun budgeting. I have made a two-year plan. I will try to budget enough to go back to school in two years.

I think I might also sell the house now. It's too big for me. RacerEx and I were talking on the phone this morning about the possibility of my buying a condo here in town. There are some nice ones still within my price range. So all I need to do is get the yard fixed up and put on a few base boards and then I can go. First, the yard.

Wish it would stop raining, for Pete's sake.

* * * *
My relationship with Rover has taken a new turn. Going away with him and then his getting the flu and staying here for four days while he was sick, changed things. He invited me to go with him to visit his parents tomorrow for Easter, the so-called meeting-the-parents date (I've already met them, but not in girlfriend capacity). We have firmed up our commitment and in talking with him while away and over the last few days, I realize I have come to trust him. We talked about my future goals and he has offered to help me financially should I need help. I told him no thanks, but I do appreciate his offer and recognize its significance .

So now I have begun to look at our relationship in a different way. As HeadShrinker put it, the chase is over and now that I have him what do I want to do with him? I think about how complicated our relationship has been and about how many different paths it has taken. I think about the difficulties and my doubts and the past hurts. I think about RacerEx and the concept of "love of my life," and, as PB pointed out, being the love of one's life are big shoes to fill and come with huge expectations. Perhaps unrealistic ones.

Rover is not the "love of my life" as I experienced it with RacerEx, but what he and have have is becoming something rather solid. In more ways than I thought, we are bound together. Our communication is improved and I believe it is even better than anything I had with RacerEx, because I am so much clearer. Perhaps it's just that I am older? I think it is because I have done so much work. RacerEx remains blocked.

* * * *
I have begun tapering off of the Celexa. I was taking 1-1/2 pills per day. I have reduced it to 1 pill per day and will continue that way for a month. If all is well, I will reduce to 3/4 per day for a month, etc. If I start getting weird again, I'll re-up my dose.

I'm feeling strong. It might be the drugs, but I don't know. I'd like to try to maintain on my own. If I can't, well, I can't, but it would be nice to try.

Anyhow, it's 11:30 and I haven't showered yet. I'm home with a cold and cough today, same as yesterday. Much better today, but I'll take it easy.

Rover wants to go to mass tonight. I told him I'd go with him. Funny thing is, he's the catholic, but I think I get more out of church and scripture than he does. I think I take it more seriously. Certainly we think of prayer differently. But that's a topic for another day.

See ya.

Gone But Not Forgotten

I'm home again. Life resumes.

Had a really nice time in Italy. All legs of it were very nice, the worst being possibly the week with Roomy who has a propensity for sulking. Ah well, she was okay for most of the trip.

Rover and I only had one argument for the entire 10 days we were together. Pretty damn good if you ask me.

Rome was fantastic. Positano was stunning. Florence should move the Duomo to Rome and then throw itself into its disgusting greasy green river and flush itself off to sea. Lucca was charming. Sorrento a joy.

Three weeks is too long to be gone, tho. Will have to limit trips to 16 or so days next time.

I have a little jet lag. Rover has taken over my bed with a 103-degree fever. I am playing nursemaid but am fearful I will contract his bug. Yech. He's got the sweats and everything. Poor guy. He's awfully sweet tho and has been smitten since our trip began.

More to report later. I have to get up and go to work tomorrow, so I have to go. Nice to be back.

Ciao!