Conclusions

So after the Hep-C news from TheGreek, I pulled my ad off Match.com. I just felt discouraged at my prospects. But now I have absolutely none. I can't even contemplate meeting someone to date. So I think I'll put my ad back up. No harm in it, I suppose.

Went to movies last night with RacerEx. He really gives off no emotion towards me, no fondness, no sparkle. So I gave up.

My original thought was that we would go out, see a movie, catch some dinner and a few drinks, and then go back to his place or mine and fool around; but the truth is, since TheGreek, I have come to the conclusion that there's no point in fooling around with someone who is not my boyfriend. It's just not worth the disease (or emotional) risk.

And since RacerEx gives off absolutely no vibes of interest, love or affection, I decided, "Fuck this," and cut the drinks portion of our evening short (one quick drink only). I told him I was going to go back to my place and make myself a PB&J sandwich. He told me he loves PB&J, hinting that he wanted me to make him one, too. So I did.

After sandwiches, I said, "Well?...," hinting that the eveing was coming to a close for me. But he did not take the hint. So I offered him the couch a the TiVo. We watched The Gilmore Girls. He proceeded to rub my back. I let him, and then we traded off. He started to make it sexual, but I refused to acknowledge it. It got late.

Finally, back rubs done, we sat expectantly side by side (him waiting for sex, I suppose, me waiting for him to leave or say something or whatever). I asked him if he had something to say. He said he thought so but wasn't sure what it was (what the fuck?). He put his outstretched legs over the top of mine.

After a few more minutes of stupid silence, I said, "Well, do you want to spend the night?"

"I don't think I should," he said, offering no further explanation.

"Okay, that's fine. You're not my boyfriend and we're not dating, so...," I replied, wishing I hadn't offered because I had known what his response would be. "Well, I want to go to bed then," I continued.

"Okay." I walked him to the door. "Are you mad?" he asked.

"No." I said, shrugging. And I wasn't. I just didn't see the point in sitting expectantly on the couch for the next few minutes and then turning him down for sex. I don't need the stupid awkwardness of the situation. It was like being a couple of teenagers who don't know how to talk about it. And that's just lame. I'm too old for that.

There's no point in having sex with him again. Or anyone for that matter, unless we're involved and committed.

So that's where I am.

Alone.

Who cares.