A Jolly Holiday

RoomyEx invited me to go to Scotland with her for Xmas this year...and then added that, since we're abroad, we may as well go somewhere fun for New Year's. How about Barcelona?

Shit yeah!

So I've posted the days off I need from work on the trade board with a headline that reads: Help Morgan Celebrate Christmas in Europe.

Wish me luck.

I was going to go to Jamaica on my own, but when I told RoomyEx my plans, she said, "Why don't you come with me?" Scotland, London and Barcelona sound much more festive, don't they? Yes sireee! I'm very excited.

* * * *
This weekend it's get the house in order for my new roomy (a friend of RoomyEx). I'll think of a pseudonym for her in good time. I'm looking forward to having her company, but I'm still a little apprehensive about sharing my space after living alone and/or with RacerEx for so long. I suppose if it doesn't work out, she can find another place. But I think, overall, it will be a positive experience. I like her. It will be nice to get to know and get closer to another girlfriend.

* * * *
Cutting off RacerEx has been easier than I'd thought. After that initial day or two of boo-hooing, he has pretty much left my brain. He sent me an email the other day, but I never answered it. When I saw him downtown today, I drove right past, pretending I didn't see him. Normally, I would have stopped and said hello; but, honestly, I didn't feel like it. There's no point. While we'll always have a connection and a good rapport, things between us are finished, and I'm okay with that. I don't miss him or think of him much anymore. As RoomyEx always says, "You're not done until you're done." I'm done.

* * * *
Not so, Rover. Still can't get him off my brain. He occupies practically every waking moment. I don't get it. Perhaps it's that I am forced to see him at work.... Although I've worked side-by-side with ex's before and it hasn't been like this. I think this time it is because neither of us want to stop seeing one another. So it's not as if he's done with me and I just have to suck it up and take it, you know?

We worked together yesterday. He was gone all day at a drill, but afterwards he came into the workout room to chat with me. Later, we sat in his room and discussed his first trial. Near the end of our discussion, I asked if he was going to change stations at the end of the year. He said most likely he would and then told me he'd been asked if he would like to go to another station. He told me the solicitation had come on one of our particularly ugly days and that he'd answered yes.

I told him that I supposed it was for the better, that we are done and there's no reason to stay working together, that it only complicates things and makes it impossible to move on. He asked me, "When you say 'it's done,' are you saying that it's done for you?"

"No," I answered, "but we're still done." I fumbled for words, telling him I thought I understood things, but that I still often feel confused about it all. I told him I had given much thought to his telling me that I need to keep in mind how things between us all began--an affair. I told him I know it was just an affair, no different from the others he'd had--

There he stopped me and said, "Morgan, no it wasn't just like the other times. Not at all."

Then he said, "Morgan, I really don't think things are going to last too much longer with Lips. But I have to do this right. For once in my life I have to conduct things right, with her, with you, with everyone. I have been extremely honest with you about what is going on, and I want to always be honest with you from here on out. I can't get you out of my head and I miss you terribly. But you can't ever be invisible again, I can't and won't do that to you again...." His voice started to break and tears welled up behind his eyes.

Then the tones went off and a run came in, so we had to leave our conversation right there.

So I am once again left with a lot to contemplate but with no tangible anything.

I want to hold out for him, but I will not do that. I will still move forward under the assumption that he and Lips are together for now and for the long haul. I will continue to put myself out there and date if the opportunity arises and spend time with my girlfriends.

As with everything, time will tell.

As for what would happen if we were to get together, to start over again, I can't even imagine how that would go. It seems impossible to me. So I will push it out of my mind--at least I will try my best to give it little play.

* * * *
Anyhow, it's 7:30 and I'm home alone for the evening for a change. I think I'll kick back with my TiVo, catch up on what's recorded and work on that blanket I started crocheting this last Spring.

Oh yeah, tomorrow I think I'm going to go check out the local temple. I'm feeling in need of a community/spiritual connection, and the local temple might be just the place to find it. I've never been to temple before (not by my own volition anyway), so it should prove interesting. Even if I don't go again.

As usual, I am in motion.