Things Fall Apart

Knew the good mood couldn't last.

So I've upped my dose.

Added 1/2 pill in the mornings. We'll see how that does. I'll tell my doctor later. If things aren't going well at that level I'll have to see her again and talk.

Got pissy with Rover this morning and we had an argument. He told me he wasn't seeing Lips anymore (altho that wasn't what the argument was about). It was more about the my role in his life and his need for total autonomy. He got really angry, finally saying, "You know what? I've done nothing wrong here." And you know what? He was right. It's me. It's not him. I just don't accept him the way he does. He's been nothing but nice to me, great to me over the last few weeks, and I'm still not satisfied. So it's not that there's anything wrong with me or with him, it's just that what we have isn't enough for or satisfying to me.

So what am I going to do about it? Accept it for now? Kick it to the curb? Take a look at what I really am looking for and then go after it? I dunno. HeadShrinker seems to think Rover is a distraction, someone who keeps me from confronting what I want and/or need.

Perhaps she is right. She probably is. Anyhow, gotta go.

Too Good

Well, the quasi-euphoria I have been feeling over the last few weeks has seeped away. Back to normal. Guess my serotonin has leveled out. Life just is what it is.

I never ended up reading yesterday, but instead took a three-hour nap. Then I slept for 8 hours last night. How much sleep do I need???

Feeling kind of bummed lately. Oh well.

Yawning

Can't stop yawning. It's one of the side effects, among others, of the Celexa. Kind of annoying.

Good day at work yesterday. It was a slow day and so I got to spend the entire afternoon reading in a chair. Yes, I was reading. That's amazing for me, considering how brain dead I've been of late. A friend at work recommended and gave me Memoirs of a Geisha. I'd seen it sitting on the shelf at work for a while, but I never thought to pick it up. But he said it was excellent, so I I thought I'd give it a try. Guess what? It is excellent. Nice to have a good book to read. Think I'll spend the day reading and napping today, since I have the day off and no errands to run or chores to do (that's the nice thing about having had house guests--the house is clean and all my laundry is done).

Was exposed to scabies at work twice in two weeks. Yikes. Been feeling itchy the last two days. Got some medication just in case. I'll use it tomorrow and then decon the house. One of the hazards of working with shitbums. Exactly the reason I never became a paramedic. Hate the disease/exposure risk associated with the job.

Anyhow, I'm doing fine I guess. Been a little bit more moody lately. Seems the Celexa has worn a little thin. Guess I'm just adjusting to it. Might be hormones or something considering the bcp changes I described before. I'll start the Wellbutrin again next week.

Gonna run. Ciao.

The Baby Jesus

Bought the damnedest thing today: a cast-porcelin nativity scene. Yep, three wise men, a shepard, Joseph, Mary with a baby Jesus (who comes out of her lap!), and, best of all, a kneeling camel. It's awesome!!!!

Now if you knew anything about me, you'd be saying, "What the fuck? You're an atheist. What the hell do you want with a nativity scene?"

Truth is, I don't know. It's just really beautiful. It's all in sandy browns and tans. Muted colors. And the casting is lovely. Baby Jesus is the weakest thing in the whole crowd. So, the atheist bought herself a nativity scene. Uh, that makes two of 'em. Yeah, I own another one. This one comes packed in a Altoid-sized tin box and the characters are made from hammered tin and then hand painted in bright colors. It's a miniature nativity scene. Don't remember if it has a baby Jesus, but I think it has a cradle. I'll have to put it out. Maybe I'll do that now.

Here goes.... Oh, this one has a donkey and a sheep. What else? Cows, an angel, a wise man. One of the wisemen looks like a wise woman. Oh well. Wait. Maybe that's Mary. How P.C., one of the wisemen is black. Very nice touch, I must say. No camel tho. Now I feel good. That's the first time I've set it up. Bought it three or four years ago, so it's about time.

Gotta go take a nap before dinner.

Ice Queen

Well, I had to break down and turn the heat on. It's been so cold in the mornings, I've been having a difficult time getting out of bed; so I pulled out a small space heater and set it up in my room to take the morning chill off. Since Mom & Bobo will be here this morning, I turned on the central heating (thermostat at 65! too hot for me). You know how the elderly are: they get cold easily.

Speaking of Bobo, he's decidedly different. Not more fun or anything, but different. Subdued. Less argumentative. I guess he's given up or something. Or perhaps that's just how Celexa affects him (he's on it, too). Mom says he's been a lot happier lately. I wonder how she can tell. Still a Gloomy Gus. Just more passive now. Perhaps she perceives not fighting back with her as happier. Ah well, that's the relationship he's chosen.

* * * *
Stopped the Wellbutrin this morning and went back to my other BCP's. I'll see how I feel after a week and then contemplate starting up the Wellbutrin again. This morning, all felt right with the world again. Whew!

* * * *
Rover's meeting us for dinner tonight. I've told Mom some about Rover. I told her his meeting her (them) is no formal affair, that we're just dating and that things are still up in the air, things like commitment, etc. I've told her we'll never get married or live together, so don't worry about making a huge emotional investment in him. She seemed to understand.

* * * *
Anyhow, think that's about it for now. I should get showered and stuff, as they're be here in a couple of hours.

Already???

I was feeling spacy last night, kind of off.

Had a conversation with Rover which turned ugly.

My fault.

This morning, on my way into work, I cried, felt bad, felt down.

Is it the Wellbutrin already? Or is it the different birth control pills. I think I should stop them both right now, go back to my regular birth control, and then try the Wellbutrin next month.

Yep, that's what I'm going to do.

Remember: It's Important

I started the Wellbutrin today. In case things start going askew I want to memorialize how I'm feeling:

I feel good. When I wake up in the mornings, I am happy. When I drive to work, the sky is so beautiful I want to paint it, the hillsides are a thing of beauty.

I don't cry.

I don't obsess about bad things. I don't pre-worry about all the ways in which Rover might disappoint me only to be relieved when he does not.

I am sleeping better than I have slept in months.

My complexion is clear and my face looks rested.

I have a bounce in my step. I enjoy my iPod again.

I cannot cum but it does not matter all that much to me.

Nothing matters all that much to me. I care, but I am not anxious or worried.

I am happy. I am content.

I am not on edge. I am relaxed.

* * *

Just in case the Wellbutrin changes me, I want to remind myself of how I felt. I want to remember, so I can stop taking the Wellbutrin and get back to the above state of mind.

Help me remember. Lead me back here should I go astray.

Coffee In Bed

Nice to have the morning off. Woke up around 6:45, made coffee and then took it back upstairs to bed where I lazily drank it. Showered, did my hair (twice, ugh), and am now eating oatmeal--a good way to start the day all around.

Really like how I'm feeling lately. Content. Wish I felt this way on my own, without the meds, but I'm thankful to be feeling this way at all.

OK, I know what you mean about sex not being that important, but I like it. I like the emotional and physical connection, I like the way it alters my brain chemistry, I like cumming, so I'm going to keep working towards getting back to where I was before Celexa in that way. But believe me, if I don't get there, I'm not going to sweat it. I like the way I'm feeling too much to sacrifice it for better sex. You're right, it's just not that important in the long haul.

I'm feeling really content in the Rover arena too. Feel saturated by him, like I finally had enough in one go round. I was happy to have the day to myself yesterday, and when he called, I had little to say. If we can just keep things moving on this level, it is enough for me. I don't want to live with him; I don't want to see him every minute, every day. I am satisfied with dating him. I need my space. I need my time alone. I like it now. I just like having him in my life on the side, slightly off center.

Well, I've gotta go pick up my prescriptions. It's another beautiful day in Sonoma County. Love living here.

P.S. I still miss my dog.

How Appropriate

My god but the weather is and has been amazing. Went to Calistoga with Rover yesterday afternoon and it was absolutely hot out. We had a great time. I didn't think he'd get into it, because he's not exactly the foofy type, but he ended up enjoying himself more than even he thought he would.

* * * *
Getting the house ready for Mom today. So much to do. I have to mow the lawn and clean the house. That and I have some errands to run, too. I should exercise, but there just isn't time. At least I don't have to be at the law office until after 12:00 on Monday. That will give me a little more time to neaten things up.

Guess I'd better hop to it.

Life is good. Love these pills. Wish sex were better tho. Oh well.

Engage the Brain

Latest discussions with HeadShrinker involve my seeming inability to involve myself in activities that require thinking and/or concentration. I told her about how bored I am at work lately (and I mean BORED); but even with a book at hand, I don't pick it up and read to amuse/stimulate myself. What's up with that? Rover likened it to prisoner syndrome. I guess prisoners get into similar states where they just sleep a lot and don't engage in stimulating activities. HeadShrinker says my behavior (the one I just described in addition to several other things) sounds like depression. I would say that's probably right on. After all, I've only been on the meds for a few weeks now and, while I do feel better, I'm not really "normal" yet. But I am better.

By the way, thank you O.K. for continuing to read me and for telling me you care. I appreciate it. You've offered me sound, sensible advice--albeit sometimes difficult-to-hear advice--and I am thankful.

* * * * *

The day before yesterday I took a peek at RacerEx's match.com ad. Scary stuff. He's such a lovely writer, and, in the past, his ads have captured him so well and have set such a nice tone. That day's ad was dark, bitter and self-deprecating. I told RoomyEx about it and she simply said, "Wow. Well, that's his shit, Morgan." She's right. It's not my shit anymore. I'm sad for him that he's so down, but so am I. I guess it's normal for him to be grieving. I just wish he had someone to talk to, that he would do something about his depression instead of lashing out publically on Match. Oh well. Not my shit.

I did call a friend of his, tho, and told him I was worried. He thanked me for my concern and told me he'd check in on him. His ad was gone today. Perhaps our friend called him.

Not my shit.

* * * *
Mom's coming to visit for "Thanksgiving." I put Thanksgiving in quotes because she's coming Tuesday and leaving on Thursday morning. Such is my family. No connection to or importance placed on holidays. If I had a family of my own (i.e., kids), it would be different. But I can't change things. Our tradition is no tradition. Kind of sucks. Have always kind of hated Christmas as a result. Best Christmas I ever had was the first one I spent with RacerEx. We had a tree and cool pyjamas and exchanged gifts in front of the fire while listening to carols. It was lovely.

Thanksgiving's my favorite holiday. I'm working it this year. Am scheduled to work it next year too. I'm going to try to get it off, tho. Perhaps go away somewhere cool, somewhere lovely and festive.

Anyhow, Mom's coming with BoBo. Not a big fan of BoBo. But what is one to do about that either? He's just such a bore. No such thing as conversation with him. Everything's a lecture. I once told him I was going to Nebraska with RacerEx and instead of commenting, he proceeded to give me a lecture about Nebraska beef. Zzzzzzzzz..... No levity in that household, I tell you. Don't understand what Mom saw in him in the first place. She's so joyous and happy. She positively shines. He's like Eeyore (Eeyore, a very gloomy, blue-gray donkey--describes BoBo perfectly).

* * * *
Am going to go back on Wellbutrin as a supplement to my Celexa (a brain cocktail of sorts) to try to combat my lack of sexual drive and ability as well as to help with my motivation. I'll try it, but if it interfers with my sleep like it did the first time I tried it, it's out. I'd rather not cum for the rest of my life than have insomnia.

* * * *
Anyhow, gotta go. I've got laundry in the wash and my room is a mess and it's getting late (altho it's Friday nite, so so what).

* * * *
Am going to Calistoga with Rover tomorrow. Things are decidedly better on that front. Not sure what happened, but he has changed. Quite a bit actually. Much work to do, but it's okay now. Thank you Celexa for giving me the sense to accept what I cannot change and to accept and be thankful for what I have.

Life is much better.

All About Me

I feel completely selfish today. And you know what? It's a good feeling. I like it.

Nothing's Wrong

Celexa: the great equalizer.

Even the things that bug me, don't bug me for long. I am stable. I am rational. I feel fine. Content even.

I have no sex drive. I cannot cum. Oh well. I don't really care.

Things with Rover continue in no direction. Oh well. I don't really care all that much.

I have a date tonite. I don't feel excited about it. Oh well. It's okay. I don't really care.

I haven't been exercising. I should feel anxious about it. But I don't. I 'll get around to it eventually. I don't care.

Everything's okay.

Marbles

Having such a difficult time concentrating. Discussed that with the HeadShrinker today. She gave me one strategy to try to combat it: limit the time I think/obsess about Rover to two 20-minute sessions per day. We'll see if that helps. I told her about how I had once weaned him out of my head by reducing my time spent thinking about him by one hour each night.

...Oh, does this count? Change of subject....

Don't really feel like writing. Pulled out my itinerary for Scotland. I'm gonna go look at that.

Nite.

Fine

Like my therapist. It was a good decision to start seeing her again. She's the best one I've ever been to. She and Celexa are helping gobs.

Content lately. No worries. I feel like RoomyEx must feel: most stuff just rolls off my back. And I'm back to my wise-cracking self. That's good. I like it better when I'm sharp. I'm funny. Like working downtown again.

That's it.

Rearing My Head

Found out today that I did not make my bid for a new fire house. I'm disappointed, but they may still move Rover, although he and I are talking and getting along again right now, so perhaps it will be okay.

Bought a bunch of new clothes and boots for Fall today. Finally found pants long enough. A miracle, to be sure.

My 2nd employer told me yesterday that they want me to come in two days per week minimum (unless I have some other obligation). That's great for me, as that means a little more than $500 a week extra (gross). With Roomy's rent, that means I can bring in $2600/month extra. That pays my mortgage and my utilities, free and clear. Excellent. Working at the office also gets me out of the house and enables me to hang out with two great gals who are much fun (and very smart). Like it.

Had a Rover spaz this morning. I'm over it now.

Fatty's trying to get out of me and RacerEx what transpired between us to cause the rift. I would not tell him. I wouldn't even tell Rover. I told my girlfriends, but that's it. No one else needs to know. Women understand my side. That's all I need.

I miss YellowDog. Ah well, that's life.

* * * *
Oh yeah, did I mention my date with Mr. Gorgeous? Well, he never called back, so I sent him an email telling him that I would return his video if he sent me his address. I mentioned I figured it must not have been a match for him since I never heard from him again. He emailed back, telling me he was sorry and that it was just bad manners on his part. Then he called and told me to call him back.

But I didn't.

I figured if his manners are bad at the beginning, they'll only get worse. He's so pretty that he's probably used to getting away with sundry B.S., washing it away with a smile or a bat of an eye. Well, I've just been through Hell, twice, and am climbing my way back out of the hole, and I'm not going to set myself up for some self-centered asshole to be rude to me with his "bad manners."

Pretty is as pretty does. Ain't it the truth?