Rocky

Well, today brings to end a difficult week.

I have been trying to taper off my meds again, with little success. Seems that either I cannot regulate my mood without them or that I coincidentally try to taper off during times when external circumstances prove difficult.

Anyhow, Rover and I have been squabbling. He is back to work with a vengeance and has started seeing me a little less. Our relationship has started sliding backwards a bit, and it has been making me feel down.

I started feeling depressed again.

Which started some drama between us. Actually the drama had been building over the course of the last week and a half. But I have trouble determining whether my mood is caused by the pills (or lack thereof) and I am imagine something is wrong or if something really is wrong.

We finally talked. I told him I can't go back to the way things were before, when it was all work and no play. I need to have play days, hookey days, days where he is not working but is only spending time hanging out with me. He refused, digging in, giving me an old line, "This is just the way I am!" (Mad face aside: "Like it or lump it.").

So I answered with a short silence and then just said, "Okay. I understand," and was then silent, thinking that the way he is doesn't really jibe with the way I am, so.... for me, it's not going to work.

And, somehow, I think he got it. Because he acquiesced. He offered to look at our calendars each week and ensure we have at least one non-work/play day.

And I went back on my pills.

So I'm feeling better about things.

But I don't like that I'm so dependent on my pills. But perhaps that's just the way I am.

Try It, You'll Like It

Favorite sandwich (and I'm by no means big on sandwiches):

Bread: Ciabatta (or panini if you can't find it, or a good sour roll)
Meat: Prosciutto--it's a strong-tasting meat, so you only need two-three thin slices
Tomato
Spinach
Arugula
Brie Cheese
And best of all, the Spread: Pesto--yes, pesto, you can buy it pre-made at the store.

Put in broiler or toaster over to make it warm and the cheese melty. Yum!!!

* * * * *

Seven things to do before I die:

1. Go back to Paris
2. Discover what I'm passionate about and then
3. Go back to school and study it
   
4. Finish landscaping my yard
5. Buy a second home/piece of property
6. Become fluent in a second language
   
7. Retire before 60
   

Seven things I cannot do:

1. Carry a grudge
2. Tolerate a lazy work ethic
3. Knit
   
4. Play an instrument
5. Eat boiled spinach without gagging
6. Live in filth
7. Keep to a budget
   

Seven things that attract me to men:

1. Smile
2. Overt sexuality
3. Cheekiness
4. Honesty
5. Compassion
6. Self-Assurance
7. Banter
   

Seven books (or a series of books) I love:

1. The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles
2. Pride & Predudice
3. All Quiet on the Western Front
4. Dragon Song & Dragon Singer
5. Poems by e.e. cummings
   
6. The House of Mirth & The Age of Innocence
7. the Narnia Series
   

Seven Movies I'd Watch Over and Over Again:

1. The Deer Hunter
   
2. Bridget Jones's Diary
   
3. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
   
4. Pride & Prejudice (BBC Series)
   
5. Harvey
   
6. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
   
7. A Clockwork Orange
   

I Hate to Bore You All...

...but there's just no drama in my life.

I am happy. Things are going well.

Life is good. Hope all is the same for all y'all out there.

Love and Lust

I admit it. I like pornography. All kinds. Audio, visual, written. It doesn't really matter. I wouldn't say I like it as much as most men I've known (any man, for that matter). I rely more on my own thoughts, fantasy or the spoken word to get me goin', but I still enjoy it. Sometimes I even request it.

That being said, there's nothing quite like a XXX movie starring a guy who looks an awful lot like one's brother to put the kybosh on one's libido.... [*shudders*] Need I say more?

Speaking of sex, I've noticed that I have a difficult time changing gears from love mode to lust mode. For example, Rover and I go through spells of cutsy sappiness. It's great. We hug and kiss a lot and exchange secrets about how we feel about one another, and then we snuggle romantically. Again, it's great.

But it's just not erotic to me.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes during those moments when I am overcome by loving him, I want to be intimate with him, to move slowly with him and enjoy him physically. For the most part, however, loving him does not stoke the sexual fire.

We talked about that phenomenon today over the telephone. He was boldy describing some explicit act to which I responded that we'd better get to it before the love began or I wouldn't be in the mood. He laughed and agreed how difficult it is to go from holding me like a little girl to treating me like a wanton slut.

So we've agreed. Tonite, it is sex first and then snuggling.

It makes me laugh.

* * * *
Things are good.