85%

BoboEx (Hubby #1, yes, there were two) used to say that he only expected to get 85% of what he was looking for. I always wondered how one could approach life in that manner and be satisfied, but, to be quite honest, he seemed pretty content.

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Speaking of 85%, I noticed some egregious grammos/typos in my last post (their for there and than for then). [*shudders*]. Ick! I hate grammos/typos, but I guess that's what one gets when one doesn't proof what they've written. Justin, I know you hate poor usage as much as I do, so please don't think me an uneducated boob, I just hate going over my entries before I post and, thus, lots of typos get by....

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Anyhow, BoboEx used to be satisfied with 85%. Seems pretty reasonable, eh? Eighty-five percent seems a bit low on the expectation meter if you ask me, but, heck! it's not a bad number.

I think about it sometimes--85%, that is. Lately, I've been thinking about it in regards to my last post about marriage and living together. I can't say I disagree with O.K. Indeed, relationships seem to work quite well, if not better, when not living together. Cynical? Perhaps. But in my world, considering all my relationships eventually come to an end (or they "change," if you want to put a nice spin on things), not living together seems to take a lot of the complications out of things.

Think about it. Not living together means not having to stay together longer than you want to because you're entangled in a joint lease or you've purchased joint stuff, etc. You can get out when when want. Same with marriage, except marriage adds the whole legal wrinkle to it. It's messy.

Breaking up, after all, is a process, and, well, it's probably just a hell of a lot easier to do it when you're living in your own house with your own mortgage and your own stuff.

Were Rover and I to break up today, the only thing I might want to retrieve from him is my black bathing suit. But I don't even care about that item, so, shoot, it's easy. Done is done.

With RacerEx as with BoboEx, there was property and money to divide, living situations to consider, paperwork to create and file, and legal stuff. Yech!

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So what do I have? By gum, I have at least 85%. I have great (and I mean great) sex. I have a nice man in my life who treats me well (finally). I have my own house. I have time to myself to spend with my friends or in any manner I wish. I have a boyfriend who wants to help me financially if I need it (so far, thank my lucky stars, I haven't needed it, but he's offered to help pay for a pool if I put one in, so.... hmmm, I might take him up on that offer). I have three houses to frequent--my own, his in the City, and his at the River (pretty darned convenient and nice). I don't have any familial obligations on his end--I mean, his dad is still all tied in with Lips (has a crush on her, even (which is weird), and, frankly, this whole break up between his son and her was just not what HE wanted, but too bad). And I have someone who talks about spending his future with me, who wants to keep "fucking me until I'm old," which I think is pretty darned nice.

And we really get along quite well anymore.

I have a lot.

What I don't have is marriage. Or living together.

So?

I'm good. Life is still good. My struggles are internal. They have little, if anything, to do with Rover, with my relationship with him.

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Oh yeah, and I have a new friend from work. I really like her. We were very slow to connect, but she's really cool. A geek, really. And I like that. We're gonna go see "A Scanner Darkly" together. She's already called me, and I've gladly called her back. She's smart. She's funny looking and has a lazy eye. She's more than she seems. She needs a pseudonym. I want to call her "Inter-City Youth" (long story), so, since the initials of that spell something, I'll just refer to her as ICY. Yep, I have a new friend named Icy, and I think we'll be friends for a long time.

Yay me.

"I am as Constant as The Northern Star"

Hate being so wishy-washy about what I want.

For example, I don't know if I want to get married/live with anyone again. I've been saying that I don't, but sometimes I think I'm just lying to myself, saying what I think Rover wants to hear. And there's so much outside pressure. From Mom, from my girlfriends. Everyone talks about men's level of commitment and about not "wasting one's time" with someone who isn't going to marry me. It's difficult to find my own voice amidst all the chatter/opinion.

Seemingly, it is okay for a man to spend his life as a bachelor (even if we think there is really something wrong with him), but it is not acceptable and is even pitiable for a woman to spend her life in same state. Certainly it is a shame to watch a woman "throw away the best years of her life" with some guy who "doesn't want to marry her."

We got into a discussion about it last night, and it was kind of upsetting. Marriage to/with Rover is NOT an option. Period.

I don't think that bothers me. But I'm not really sure. I mean, right now it doesn't. But how will I feel in a few years?

He asked me point blank: "Is this discussion the precursor to the marriage ultimatum? Is this going to be an ongoing, deciding issue?"

Jeeez, I don't know. It's not an issue today. I mean, not really. But I barely know what I want or need right now, so how can I predict what I'll want or need in the future? I asked him how he thinks it is that he is SO CERTAIN about his position on marriage, living together, etc. He says he just knows himself and knows how he feels. He thinks marriage is a sham.

Well, gee, I don't think I'd go that far, but I must admit it doesn't appear to be all that it's cracked up to be. And it certainly was never "until death do us part" for me. Vows schmows. Never had any sticking power for me.

And then the living together stuff. I don't know about that either. He says he thinks he'd feel "trapped" if we were living together. Uhhh. Okay. We'll he's a big slob and I think I'd feel "annoyed all the fuckin' time by his slop" if we were living together. I mean, in many ways, we're just not compatible. I think he'd bug the shit out of me if I had to witness his time mismanagement all the time, and I don't know if I could just let him be and not nag him.

So I don't think we should live together. And I don't think I should really, in all responsibility, get married to anyone again. Certainly not now. Not yet.

Yet I remain conflicted.

I want that sense of community I had being married. I want the idea that I'm building a life with someone. I don't feel like I have that with Rover. Rover and I are operating two separate, independent worlds. I help him with his world and he helps me with mine, but there is no "joining of forces" so to speak.

But RacerEx and I joined forces. And now our joint efforts are separated and independent once more. Joining forces made no difference. In the end, I ended up with a nicer house, and he ended up with more money than he ever could have saved in his entire life. I got the shorter end of the stick if you ask me, not that it matters....

So what am I indecisive about? Is it just that I don't like being told I can't, in no uncertain terms, have something? Even if it's something I don't know I really want? Dunno. Maybe.

So how do I know what I want? How do I promise Rover marriage is not an issue when I do not know if it will be one? I do not want to have the ultimatum conversation right now.

I cannot tell him that if marriage is not in our future then we must quit now. That's not how I feel.

But I also don't want his ultimatum that if I don't put the issue to rest we are not going to make it.

So I hedged, told him what he wanted to hear: that marriage is not an issue for me. I didn't say "for now." I can't predict the future. Besides, I might change my mind at any given moment.

Like I said. I barely know what I want right now. How can I make promises about what I'll want or not want in the future--be it tomorrow or three years from now or whenever.

"Constantly in the darkness. Where's that at?"

I Almost Killed My Dog

Picked her up today because I'm going to be watching her for the next two weeks to give RacerEx a break. First thing I did was take her for a walk. I arrived around noon and hadn't fed her yet, but figured she'd want the exercise, so I took her to the 2.25-mile loop we usually walk. It was a warm, sunny morning with a nice breeze. Not too hot for her or for me. She doesn't like the heat.

I had on my jogging clothes, as I'd gone for an earlier run, so I decided to let her set the pace, jogging, walking or pausing along side her at her pleasure. We trotted a bit and sniffed a bit and sometimes set out at a full-on gallop. At her usual place, she began to slow down; but unlike usual, she started making a hacking noise or a coughing noise (if dogs could cough). I wasn't sure if she'd inhaled a fox tale or if it was allergies or what, so I made her stop and rubbed her nose and throat a bit until she stopped snorting.

We had at least 1/2 a mile to go, but I forced her to slow down because her tongue was drooping pretty far out of her mouth and it was getting hotter. The snorting resumed at intervals, exacerbated by any pulling of her leash. Then she started favoring her right left paw....

We stopped and started at my discretion. I could see she was in pain and uncomfortable, but, like I said, we still had a ways to go--and she's way too big and heavy for me to carry. It's a dog's life. She had to keep walking.

We finally finished the loop at the dog-water-fountain, where she took a cursory lick and then sought shade and dropped to the ground unable to move another step. The panting began full "freak freight train" (as RacerEx would describe it), and I felt a little panicked as I realized she was over heated and in distress. I went to my car, parked very close by, and she did not get up to follow me but instead lay there panting like a mad man. I retrieved a cup and began making trips to the water fountain and then back to her to douse her with cool water. She rolled over and offered her belly for the water.

Poor thing.

I gave her a good 15 minutes, cooling down the car with the air conditioning as we waited. Finally I got her to rouse herself (with no little effort) and follow me back to the car. Once home, she collapsed once more in the shady grass. I got out the hose and hosed her down for several minutes until she got up, walked away and rolled in the shady grass to get the water off of herself.

Guess I know not to take her out in the heat like that on an empty stomach again. Shoot. I was a little afraid I'd done her in. Stupid person.