"I am as Constant as The Northern Star"

Hate being so wishy-washy about what I want.

For example, I don't know if I want to get married/live with anyone again. I've been saying that I don't, but sometimes I think I'm just lying to myself, saying what I think Rover wants to hear. And there's so much outside pressure. From Mom, from my girlfriends. Everyone talks about men's level of commitment and about not "wasting one's time" with someone who isn't going to marry me. It's difficult to find my own voice amidst all the chatter/opinion.

Seemingly, it is okay for a man to spend his life as a bachelor (even if we think there is really something wrong with him), but it is not acceptable and is even pitiable for a woman to spend her life in same state. Certainly it is a shame to watch a woman "throw away the best years of her life" with some guy who "doesn't want to marry her."

We got into a discussion about it last night, and it was kind of upsetting. Marriage to/with Rover is NOT an option. Period.

I don't think that bothers me. But I'm not really sure. I mean, right now it doesn't. But how will I feel in a few years?

He asked me point blank: "Is this discussion the precursor to the marriage ultimatum? Is this going to be an ongoing, deciding issue?"

Jeeez, I don't know. It's not an issue today. I mean, not really. But I barely know what I want or need right now, so how can I predict what I'll want or need in the future? I asked him how he thinks it is that he is SO CERTAIN about his position on marriage, living together, etc. He says he just knows himself and knows how he feels. He thinks marriage is a sham.

Well, gee, I don't think I'd go that far, but I must admit it doesn't appear to be all that it's cracked up to be. And it certainly was never "until death do us part" for me. Vows schmows. Never had any sticking power for me.

And then the living together stuff. I don't know about that either. He says he thinks he'd feel "trapped" if we were living together. Uhhh. Okay. We'll he's a big slob and I think I'd feel "annoyed all the fuckin' time by his slop" if we were living together. I mean, in many ways, we're just not compatible. I think he'd bug the shit out of me if I had to witness his time mismanagement all the time, and I don't know if I could just let him be and not nag him.

So I don't think we should live together. And I don't think I should really, in all responsibility, get married to anyone again. Certainly not now. Not yet.

Yet I remain conflicted.

I want that sense of community I had being married. I want the idea that I'm building a life with someone. I don't feel like I have that with Rover. Rover and I are operating two separate, independent worlds. I help him with his world and he helps me with mine, but there is no "joining of forces" so to speak.

But RacerEx and I joined forces. And now our joint efforts are separated and independent once more. Joining forces made no difference. In the end, I ended up with a nicer house, and he ended up with more money than he ever could have saved in his entire life. I got the shorter end of the stick if you ask me, not that it matters....

So what am I indecisive about? Is it just that I don't like being told I can't, in no uncertain terms, have something? Even if it's something I don't know I really want? Dunno. Maybe.

So how do I know what I want? How do I promise Rover marriage is not an issue when I do not know if it will be one? I do not want to have the ultimatum conversation right now.

I cannot tell him that if marriage is not in our future then we must quit now. That's not how I feel.

But I also don't want his ultimatum that if I don't put the issue to rest we are not going to make it.

So I hedged, told him what he wanted to hear: that marriage is not an issue for me. I didn't say "for now." I can't predict the future. Besides, I might change my mind at any given moment.

Like I said. I barely know what I want right now. How can I make promises about what I'll want or not want in the future--be it tomorrow or three years from now or whenever.

"Constantly in the darkness. Where's that at?"