Waiting Room

I'm still not feeling great. I think what's happening is ennui is setting in.

Rover and I spent the better part of a week together up at the River just relaxing and socializing with his family and friends. It was nice, but by the end of it, I was exhausted from not sleeping well (bed at his cabin is an old, saggy full mattress, yikes!) and from too much drinking. Not so much from drinking too much at any one time but from drinking two or three drinks every day that we were on our little vacation.

I'm drunk out. Haven't had any booze in almost a week now, and, too be quite honest, I think I have been drinking too much for a while now and I want to give it a long break. I don't want to have to drink to have fun, to enjoy life. I like drinking. It is social and fun and funny. Everyone is looser and sex is great, etc. But I honestly think I've had enough of it lately.

I feel almost the same way I felt when I finally quit smoking. I was just done all of a sudden. I almost feel that way about booze. Guess I'm not much of an addict--the whole time I'm using any kind of substance, there's a part of me that knows it's not good for me and so I have a little voice nagging at me all the time until I finally quit.

Anyhow, back to feeling bored or stagnant or whatever it is....

The other night I was supposed to spend the night at Rover's house after socializing (booze free I will add) with some girlfriends. But I left early from my party and went for a long walk with a girlfriend and didn't feel like spending the night with him, seeing him, etc. So I drove 45 minutes home instead of driving 15 to 20 minutes to his place.

A first.

And then he wanted to spend today together, but I didn't really feel like it. Luckily, I owed someone at work a shift and he needed one today, so I picked up the extra shift and cancelled plans with Rover.

It's not Rover so much as it is me.

I'm getting tired of living on the road. I want to go home to my own house and establish some kind of routine. I haven't been home much in so long, and I don't feel like I'm getting anything done in my life. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, playing hookie from my own life, pissing away time with my "boyfriend," but not moving forward with my own thing--whatever the hell that is.

I need to find something to do/work on that has some meaning for ME. I don't know what that is. I've looked so hard in the past at finding that passion, but I just can't figure out what form it should take. I feel so brain dead. In some ways, I think I'd like to raise a child to give my life some purpose. Certainly, it's not coming from intellectual endeavors. And it's not coming from my love life. Nor from my job.

So what is it? What am I looking for? What do I need? I wish I new. I just want a sense of purpose, an interest, a feeling of forward motion.

I don't feel that right now.

I have weathered the storm and have enjoyed the lull, but now it's time to get moving.

What form will it take/