The Widening Gyre

This Blog Is Closed

2007-01-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

I can now be read at http://steadysheblows.blogspot.com/

Little Boxes

2006-12-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

Earrings come in little boxes. I'd forgotten about earrings.

Anyhow. Kids with Rover is a no-go. I talked with him about it the other night and the conversation didn't go too well. Told him I had a serious question for him and asked him if he really was done having children. He said yes.... and then, for some uncontrolable reason, I started to cry. Not a lot, but tears definitely sprang to my eyes. I hadn't anticipated having such a strong response, because I kind of figured that's what'd he say.

He didn't respond too well to the tears. He didn't get angry or anything, but I have to say I spent the remainder of the evening reassuring him that his not wanting to have a kid didn't mean I was leaving him.

At one point, I told him that if I really wanted a child I could go the same route as RoomyEx (sperm donor). He told me that if I decided to do that he could not stand by me, that it would just be too difficult a situation to explain to everyone. That kind of pissed me off, but whatever. At least I know what reality is.

I'm on my own.

Nothing new.

I wouldn't go the sperm donor route anyway. I don't like the idea of it. I'd adopt. Don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Regardless, it bothered me that he wanted such strong reassurance that he wasn't going to lose me while at the same time telling me that he would dump me if I had a child by a donor. Go figure!

But at least we've covered all the big topics: Marriage--no; living in--no; babies--no. Let's see, all the benefits without any of the hassels of commitment. Okay.

To put a positive spin on it, what that means to me is I can do whatever I want with my life. It's mine and mine alone and I have no obligation to anyone else. Kind of liberating, really.

* * * *
Boy! it's freeeeezing here. Was going to come home and go for a run, but it's only 34 degrees out (cold for California), so I guess I'll go run on the treadmill.

Now where did I put my iPod????

See ya.

Snoopy

2006-12-17T14:06:00.000-08:00

Dropped off the dog at RacerEx's house this morning. Went into the kitchen to make sure she had water and noticed a little bag from Tiffany's on the kitchen counter. Not that I was snooping or anything.... Okay, I started snooping because I was wondering if what was inside was wrapped....

So I opened the bag, moved the tissue aside, and found a ring box. Wrapped. Damn it! I assume it's for GirlNext. Wonder if it's an engagement ring. Could be. He has said he's not ready for that step, not ready for even more than just a few times a week, but things do change. Maybe he realized that it's the girl and not the boobs that matter most. Dunno.

So how do I feel about that? About the possibility of RacerEx getting married again? About it happening now?

Honestly, I think I'm okay. Perhaps the slightest bit sad. But not really. While there's still a part of me that holds onto him, I'm okay with letting him go, with letting him heal and move on. As a matter of fact, I do wish him well, hope he finds the emotional peace and happiness he deserves. He's such a great person. A fine man. He's lovely, and I want him to be well.

We had our time together and I loved him. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love anyone, more than I think I might ever love anyone again. I'm glad I had the opportunity to feel that way.

Sure, I'm a little broken now, a little jaded. I'm a little, uh, resentful? irritated? that I ended up having to pay him so much money for the pleasure of his company over the years, but that's what happens with divorce. But it is what it is. I profitted from my first divorce, lost in my second one. It's a wash. I probably won't be walking down that road again, at least not so blindly the next time.

But, anyhow, I'm okay with the prospect of his getting married again, of moving on and even having children if that's what he wants. I don't know if that's what's going on or if that's even what he wants. But let him have what he wants. It's time.

* * * *
Meanwhile, I've been doing some thinking about my own future. About family, about my life. I'm doing well. I'm feeling good and stable. I like where my life is. I'm happy with Rover. I don't need or even want to marry him. I don't even think I want to live with him--can't envision it. I am content.

But I think I want a child. I'd like to create a family of sorts. I have the time; I have the money; I have a partner who I know would contribute to our child's life. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and if Rover is amenable to it, I want to make it happen before it's too late. If I can't get pregnant, so be it. Perhaps I'll give some serious thought to adopting a baby, perhaps a little girl from China.

So that's where I am today.

'Tis The Season

2006-12-16T18:51:00.000-08:00

Hosted a Christmas Dessert & Cocktail party last night. It was a hoot. Thank god for the Pig and his knuckleheaded companion. They were the first to arrive (with the except of RoomyEx and her mom who arrived hours early and who were napping/getting ready upstairs when they arrived). The Pig's loud and obnoxious knock on the front door set the tone for the entire evening: loud (but not really obnoxious).

Everyone laughed and yelled and talked over one another. Rover played bar tender, making the margaritas on the weak side, which meant no one got shit-face drunk--thank god. People congregated in the kitchen, to capacity, and then eventually split up into the family and living rooms. Most people stayed until 1:00 a.m. No one drove drunk. Everyone was drinking water at the end. Nice to have responsible friends who know how to have fun.

The only exceptions were The Rabbit and Rover's sister-in-law PillsburyDoughGirl.

Doughy sat on the couch by herself from the get-go, drawing people in and away from the crowd to pay attention to her. The typical wall flower. Feeling responsible for her welfare and good time, I tried to talk to her and include her, but to no avail. As soon as some other peripheral conversation caught my ear, I was lost to her.

The Rabbit, unbeknownst to me until last night, pulled the same act. He sat on his own, admittedly tired from a long week of surgery and hospital administration, and, as with Doughy, I sought him out and paid him attention. But he's just not social. He offers nothing, brings nothing, contributes nothing. He does not laugh, joke, or even, at a minimum, participate in or offer up interesting or even dull conversation. Every attempt to engage him is a dead end. High maintenance.

So what is it? Are Doughy and The Rabbit just dull? Or is it that they're just both depressives? They're both on meds, both prone to depression. Is that it?

Dunno, but next time, I'm not bothering with all the attempts at making them feel at home in a crowd. I missed out on a lot of the party in being a good hostess to them.

* * * *
Things are good. Fine even. Sailing along smoothly with few bumps. My fibroids are acting up again so I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and go in for a procedure. Hope it works. Anyhow, that reminds me that I need to email my doctor. Hope all's well out there in BlogLand.

Merry, merry.

Time and a Half

2006-12-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

Been working as much overtime as possible lately to try and make up for the lack of a second job and to try and make ends meet more smoothly. I think I'm finally catching up.

Things are going just fine. Nothing exciting to report. Feeling much better since my last post. Really think my moods have a lot to do with PMS, as much as I hate to admit it....

I've been tapering off the Effexor lately. It wasn't seeming to have much of an effect (meaning I haven't been sleeping as well again and my energy levels have dropped), so I was wondering if I'd bottomed out on the drug. Instead of increasing the dosage, I decided to try to taper off and give drug-free living another try. I've been on 1/2 a pill for the last week or so and seem to be doing fine. I'll continue with this dose for a while and then try to stop all together. Wish me luck.

I've decided to host a Holiday Dessert & Cocktail party this Friday nite. I've been feeling in the holiday mood and want to celebrate with friends. I'm looking forward to it. Set up the tree tonite. It looks very pretty. I'll throw some lights up around the living and dining rooms too.

Anyhow, that's about it. Like I said, nothing exciting.

Been raining the last few days, which means it has warmed up a bit. Kind of muggy today. I like it. Makes my hair curly.

Nite now.

Run Around

2006-12-03T14:04:00.000-08:00

Haven't been home much lately. Mom was here visiting for 24 hours over Thanksgiving weekend. In that time she managed to drive me crazy. She's such a spaz. God, please let me have the power to not become just like her!

Feeling blue today. It's been coming on for the last few days. Haven't seen much of Rover this week. Guess it's connected to that. Been hanging out with girlfriends (and Mom) all week. Spent a few nights at Rover's house, but basically just went over to sleep. Actually, one night we drove up to Sacramento to have dinner with his son, but I wasn't into going. I had wanted to work a day of overtime, but I had already committed to the dinner. When I tried to make plans to spend the day or some afternoon time with Rover before the dinner, he wouldn't commit. When I got there in the evening, he pretty much ignored me and paid bills until we left.

Yesterday kind of went the same way. Yesterday was our only real day off to spend with one another and he told a friend he'd do some electrical work for him. He invited me to come down and watch. Uh, no thanks. I worked half a shift for someone who needed it and told Rover I'd meet up with him later. He said he'd be working until 7:00 or 8:00. Later he called and asked if I wanted to drive down and go to a Warriors game that began at 6:30. So much for having to work until 7 or 8. I told him no, I'd made other plans with some girlfriends, which I had. Cyclone and DoeEyed and I went out for dinner, drinks and dancing and had a great time. After midnight, I headed back to Rover's place to sleep. For some reason, driving to his place made me feel more and more down.

I was quiet when I got there. He wanted to have sex, but I was feeling glum and didn't initiate or respond but instead talked a bit and then went to sleep. He woke me up at 5 a.m. and we had sex. He went off to work this morning and I slept until almost 11:00 and then came home. I'm working tomorrow and Tuesday. We have plans for Wednesday, but I feel too down to look forward to seeing him.

I feel alone. And ungrateful. I know I have a nice boyfriend and good girlfriends, but I feel alone. Shameful. I am an idiot for not appreciating what I have. Perhaps I just need some sleep. Feel like going back to bed. Think I will.

More Training

2006-11-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

Ironically, my last post comes as a preface to a structural-collapse training exercise I was selected to participate in tomorrow. Last night I reviewed my Rescue Systems I manual. Today, I will review Rescue Systems II.

We will be breaching through concrete, shoring up collapse zones, and searching for "victims." Gypsy the rescue dog may be there too. She's cool, never stops moving, always attentive.

* * * *
Slept like the dead last night. I'm surprised I was able to after that long nap I had yesterday. Guess I either needed it or it's just the result of my psych meds which not only enable better sleep but also make my body heavy and sleepy during the day. Sometimes I fight the urge to nap; other times, I give in to day-time slumber.

* * * *
I need to go for a run now. Then I think I'll come home and clean the house a bit. I've let it go this last week. It's hard when Rover is here, because he's such a pig. Truly, he is one of the biggest slobs I've ever know. Last night he was talking about how he likes to take care of stuff that is nice, and I said, "Really? What nice thing do you have that you've kept nice?" He couldn't think of anything. Neither could I. His house is a shamble of boxes and piles of clothing. His sink is usually filled with dirty dishes. Before I cleaned it, his bathroom sink had a measurable layer of grime in and around it.

He's gross.

Messy and dirty.

And disorganized.

And a bad dresser.

Ah, love is blind, isn't it?

The Long Walk

2006-11-14T18:06:00.001-08:00

I'm awake from my 5-1/2 hour nap. Whew! Guess I needed it. YellowDog slept next to me with her head on my pillow (she's no fool--she knows how to use a pillow). She's in good form today. She's generally a pretty happy dog (and moody dogs do exist), but today she's in especially good humor. Looks like RacerEx gave her a bath. Perhaps being clean lifts her spirits. I think partly it's just that sometimes after RacerEx has left for work she doesn't expect that I or anyone will come pick her up and be with her, so she gets excited and happy.

* * * *
Wanted to add something to my earlier post.

Last night as we started our 15-flight walk up that high-rise I thought of all the firefighters in N.Y. who lost their lives doing exactly the same thing on 9/11. It's a weird feeling to walk in those shoes. Not to minimize what they did or to inflate my own experience. Certainly, the false alarm I went to last night in no way compares to what happened to all those men, to all those people, but it's still an eerie feeling to begin an ascent into the unknown. Especially eerie was passing building occupants in the stairwell who were on their way down and out.

I think of those men, marching heavily up all those stairs, past the panicked occupants of the World Trade Center. I think of my own walk, of the automatic ascent, of falling in line behind my officers and my commrades because it is what I do. Not without question, obviously, but still I march on.

Sometimes I'll see a war movie, like The Thin Red Line or Saving Private Ryan and I liken what I do to the beach scenes in which soldiers storm the beaches in mass numbers only to be repeatedly shot down. And yet, the troops keep on coming. There is no choice. They are there doing what they were trained to do, what they have to do. There is no backing out, no quitting.

Again, not to glamorize what I do or liken myself to a soldier in peril, but sometimes at a fire I feel the same way: I am crawling on my hands and knees or snaking on my side down a smoke-filled, pitch-dark hallway hopefully towards the seat of the fire and I am thinking, "This is fucking crazy! What am I doing?" But there is no backing out. No quitting. Not then, not there. So I keep on moving forward.

Last night when we relieved the first-in fire crews from last night's third-alarm fire, the engine crew was out front waiting for us. It was 2:00 a.m. They were all exhuasted, but they all had notable grins on their faces. That's how it feels after a "good" fire. After looking back at the destruction we have stepped away from, while looking over the leveled structure we fought from within while the fire raged and we risked our lives--tempting fate, trusting one another and hoping to God we make it just one more time--we are elated. Even if the building is a total loss, we can be ecstatic.

Sometimes it is more grim than that. There are fires I've been to where occupants have died, sometimes needlessly and tragically and by our own foibles. Sometimes one of us is hurt or, much less often, one of us is killed, and then there are no smiles, no elation. We are subdued and somber and quiet.

And then there's the aftermath. Fact is, most of us die of cancer. Chances are, I'll die of cancer. Last night as we were chasing smoke in between floor and ceiling, I pulled up melted rubber gym flooring and burned carpet. A nasty, chemical smell permeated the air--formaldehyde? cyanide? some other carcinogen? The smell clung to the inside of our nostrils as it clung to our clothing. It is was a sickening smell which lasted for hours until I finally had a chance to wipe out my nose with a dirty rag. I think of my lungs, how the smell clings to them, and yet there's nothing to wipe them clean.

I think about the citizens of our city who scoff at us, at all of our time off, at our big pensions, at our benefits, at how much down time we have on the job. Sometimes, they even make snide comments at us at the grocery store or at Starbucks if we stop in for coffee.

The other day, some guys looked at one of our crew as we stood in line for our coffee and snidely remarked, "Great. Nice to know this is what my tax dollars are paying you for."

Rich, my truck mate, looked at him and calmly said, "Well, I don't know what you did at work yesterday, but I almost died last night."

Long Nite

2006-11-14T09:54:00.000-08:00

Dinner at the fire house last night began with a mixed green salad and then a 15-flight walk up some stairs in full gear at a building alarm call. The evening wound down at about 10:45 p.m. only to come to a sudden halt at 1:00 a.m. where upon we were sent to stand a "fire watch" from 2:00 a.m. until 6:00 a.m. this morning. We pulled some ceilings, axed up some floors, etc. to look for fire extension and to eliminate the possibility of a rekindle and then spent the next three hours sitting in the truck doing nothing.

I've been up pretty much all night.

YellowDog and I are going for a 2.5 mile walk and then we're going to do our very favorite thing: take a nap!

Nite.

Stickin' It to the Man!!

2006-11-13T18:41:00.000-08:00

I am a genius!

I got my mini hard drive, put it into my iPod, and IT WORKS!!!!

Screw Apple. I don't need them.

I love the Internet.

iPod Pergatory

2006-11-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

I have gone from iPod heaven to iPod hell.

Now I wait somewhere in between.

You see, my iPod just stopped working a couple of weeks ago. In vain, I tried to fix it. I tried resetting, restoring, banging on the desk. To no end. Finally, I took it into the Apple Store for their diagnosis: S.O.L. (shit out of luck). After a conversation that went pretty much like this, I've decided to take matters into my own hands and try to fix it myself:

"Sorry, you're hard drive is bad," said the large, nerdy man flirting with frightening ineptitude all the while checking out my iPod.

"Is that pretty common? for a $250 item to just break down after little more than a year?" said I, in obvious disgust. "After all, this one was given to me by you guys to replace the original one I bought, which went bad after less than six months. Is there still a warranty left on this one?"

"Oh, well the warranty follows the date of the original purchase not the date you exchanged your iPod."

"So I have a purchase date warranty, not a product warranty?" (how dumb is that?)

"Essentially."

"So what are my options?"

"Well, you can buy a new iPod here at this store and we'll give you 10% off your purchase for the 'exchange' of this bad one."

"So basically, you'll give me $20 for a $250 product that only lasted me a year in order to purchase another $200 item that may not last very long either."

"Well, the Nano has no real moving parts, so the chances of its breaking down are pretty slim."

"... So I'm trading in my $250 20GB iPod for a 2-8 GB nano for practically the same price with no guarantee that it will last beyond a year?"

"Uh, well, it should last longer than a year."

"And so should my original two, right?"

"Ummm, well, yeah."

"Great. Well, believe me, if I buy another one, I'm not going to buy it here. I'll buy it at CostCo where they'll take anything back no matter when you bought it as long as you have a receipt."

Screw them! So I found this site on the web: http://www.notpopular.com/blog/comments.php?blogID=63 and followed his directions and took out the old, bad hard drive. Then I went back to the web, found a new hard drive for $69 plus some shipping and handling, and for about $80 I might be back in business.

Wish me luck! Wouldn't that be SWEET?!

All Right, Justin

2006-11-05T19:54:00.000-08:00

Where in the heck are you??? Are you alive? Let me know. Can't email you anymore cuz you moved. But been wondering about you....

Just started reading The Count of Monte Cristo yesterday. What a fine adventure! Chock full of Napoleanic history, too. Quite a good read. I awoke this morning full of excitement about getting to pick it up and read the day away. Didn't get to it until just a couple of hours ago, and I'm having fun.

Talk to ya later.

That Evil Crystal

2006-11-03T08:35:00.000-08:00

And I'm not talking crystal meth.

I'm talking sugar.

Remember how I wanted to lose weight but couldn't? Well, I've started losing weight finally. You know how I'm doing it? I'm eating well. And do you know what that means? That means avoiding sugar and other over processed items. I'm not dodging carbs; I'm not on some funky fad diet; I'm just eating sensibly: a small breakfast each morning, lots of vegetables, low-fat meats, soups, and whole grains and dried fruits, etc. I've also been drinking tons of water (for me, that is) so that when I got my period this time I was hardly bloated at all (altho I didn't really have much of a period which is kind of worrisome considering how heavily I've been going for the last year; hopefully it's the new pills and not a baby, ugh!).

I've been shopping a lot at Whole Foods (a.k.a. "whole paycheck") at their prepared foods deli section, which is fairly expensive but which enables me to eat really well without having to cook (and I hate to cook). I figure it's worth the extra bucks.

However, I was overdrawn last month for the first time in my life. I'm just not bringing enough in for what I've been paying out. I did spend a lot last month, and I'm doing much better this month, but I'm really going to have to watch it. I've been paying an extra $550 per month on my mortgage in an effort to have my mortgage paid off by the time I'm 55, but I may have to ease off on that for a couple of months if I don't get caught up. After all, Christmas is coming. It's always something, isn't it? There are some overtime opportunities at the firehouse right now, so I'll have to start taking advantage of them once my class is over. Unfortunately, I called in sick today to work on my final presentation, and that means I can't work overtime for another week (or else it's just straight time).

Anyhow, I do have to get to the gym and to my project, so I've got to go.

Weather sure is gloomy lately. Blah.

Sleepy

2006-11-02T13:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's my meds or boredom, but I've been sleeping more and more again lately--napping and sleeping a full night. It's not that I mind so much, because I can stay awake if I have something to do, it's just that I'd rather go sleep than do anything else.

As a matter of fact, I'm rather uninspired to do anything at all. That's not to say I'm not doing the things I'm supposed to be doing or that I'm not enjoying myself when I am occupied. I just don't feel like going out right now. Part of it might be that I feel compelled to sit at home and work on my assignments, which have piled up quite a bit. But it's difficult not to procrastinate, and by procrastinate I mean go take a nap.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning perfectly rested (because I went to bed at 9:00 last night AND took a 2-1/2 hour nap yesterday afternoon) but lazed around in bed until almost 8:00 for no good reason.

I don't know. I just feel understimulated or something. I like it better when I'm working part time at the law office. Life flows more smoothly when I'm working, and I seem to have more energy during the day time.

Anyhow, just thot I'd stop and bitch a little. I have to get back to my project. I'm doing a presentation with a gal from my class on MySpace.com. Truth is, it's not a very inspiring subject. The research was interesting, but the more I get into MySpace, the less I like it. It seems cumbersome to me and a waste of time and energy. No more so than this blog, I suppose, but I'm not thrilled. Anyhow, if you want to take a look at my site, I created one for my dog: YellowDog.

Talk to ya later.

Fall Back

2006-10-29T20:14:00.000-08:00

Awoke at 9:00 today only to realize I forgot to set the clocks back last night. That's a great feeling, realizing you have another hour of the day.

Spent a pretty relaxing day with Rover. He's studying for his promotional, so I snoozed on the couch this afternoon while he stayed up stairs and read. He's at the gym right now and I'm going to meet up with him at his place later. Nothing exciting, but it's just nice to have someone to hang with, someone to have come into the room and kiss me when he's taking a short break from the books, someone to fall asleep and wake up next to. Rover has the best habit of reaching over and kissing me in the middle of the night if he senses I've woken up--either to go to the bathroom or if it's just very early and I'm turning over. It makes me feel so good that he wants to kiss me when he's very groggy.

* * * *
My first speech went pretty well. I watched the video that was taken of it, and there are were really only one or two foibles. Not too bad. I didn't even seem nervous. Glad I practiced some, because I looked well rehearsed and natural. Only one more class to go. Nice to take a six-week class. I hate how a regular semester drags on.

* * * *
I worked at the law office all last week. I really like working for this lawyer, BullDog. He's such an upstanding guy. Wish he were my dad. Anyhow, his office is very well organized and everything is ready to go well before it's due so there's no rushing around in a panic at the last minute to get documents mailed out or filed with the court. Nice to work that way. Wish I could just continue working for him part time, but he runs just a small office and doesn't need any more help. I'm just filling in for his full-time gal while she's on vacation.

* * * *
Feeling good still. Life is fine. That's about it for now. Nothing exciting. Better get going. I've got an hour's drive ahead and I need to get gas.

Nite.

Update

2006-10-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

Effexor seems to be working pretty well for me. My moods are quite good and I have lots of energy--back to my old self, able to wake up at 5:00 and get up the first time the alarm rings instead of having to hit snooze for 20 minutes. I've been exercising better the last couple of days, too. Have increased my time to 45 minutes on the treadmill as opposed to my usual 20, so that's good for me. I really do want to lose that weight I attempted to lose last month. What seems to be helping is a speech I'm currently preparing to give on cholesterol. The research I've done has made me more aware of what and how I eat, and I'm trying to change my woeful ways--less butter, fat, red meat, etc.

School is keeping me very busy. I'm working my second job today, which is why I have a few minutes to post. I like being busy and it's been good to engage my brain again with a structured, time-intensive course. I am reminded that I can indeed read and focus--I think the Effexor is helping with that, as well (Celexa made me spacy and forgetful in addition to sleepy and lazy). My current business coincides nicely with Rover's being extremely busy as well. He's preparing for an upcoming promotional exam and needs to use all his extra time preparing for the test. To that end, I am and have been extremely supportive. His career is coming to a close and this exam may be his only/last opportunity to promote. As far as I'm concerned he can spend every day working on it and not seeing me. The test is three weeks away; I can wait that long.

But he's being great, as usual. He knows he has to spend a lot of time studying, but he has made a point of telling me and insisting on inviting me to spend the night with him as much as possible so we don't disconnect. He even drove up to my place last night, something he doesn't usually do mid-week. Consequently, I'm feeling very good and secure about us.

I'm heading to his place tonite after my "date" with a fellow firefighter to a Pink Floyd Cover Band concert--should be fun. The timing of the concert is not so great considering
how much work I have to do for school, but that's okay. I made these plans a long time ago and I'm looking forward to the evening out (Rover and I haven't been out in a while because we've both been so busy).

So things are good again. Effexor is working well--except for the sexual dysfunction. I'm hoping that's a side effect that will diminish with time, as I really like this med. I don't notice any other side effects except perhaps a little dry mouth, which only makes me drink more water--something I definitely need to do anyway. I think my problem with the sexual side effects stuff is that my body doesn't work so great without meds, so any tinkering makes me totally anorgasmic. It's very frustrating and, inevitably, it ends up making me feel bad about myself.

Weather right now is fantastic. It's warm and dry. Very dry. And very warm. Love warm Fall days, even if it does get dark too soon. Holidays are looming on the horizon. As usual, I'm scheduled to work both Halloween and Thanksgiving. I have Christmas off for a change, but I work Christmas Eve. I'm going to drive home to L.A. on Christmas day and spend the evening with my mom and her husband. Rover's flying down the next day and we'll spend a few days vacationing down south and then back up the coast. Rover wants to go to Disneyland, a place I absolutely love, so that sounds good to me.

Anyhow, I'm babbling. Just haven't posted in a while and thought I'd check in.

Gosh, I've Done A Lot

2006-10-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

Nabbed this from OK's post. I bolded the things that apply to me.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said ?I love you? and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby?s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
t31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger?s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero-
58. Sung karaoke-
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married--twice
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced--twice
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an ?expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents–if stepdad counts
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn?t stop when you knew someone was looking--all the time
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn?t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone?s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone?s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one ?important? author who you missed in school, and read them
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating–only if fish count
137. Skipped all your school reunions--never plan on going to one
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you?re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn?t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone?s life

All's Well

2006-10-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

Just an update. Went to my doctor today. There's absolutely nothing really wrong with me. Just a couple of fibroids. That lump seems to be just a blocked duct or something--altho he admittedly seemed a bit perplexed by it and by my pain.

So that's good.

Started taking Effexor today. We'll see how it goes. I've been down lately. Wake up feeling depressed and blue and have a difficult time shaking it, so Effexor it is.

I have an appointment with Headshrinker on Wednesday. I'm going to make it my last one for a while. I've been wanting to stop, but instead of her weaning me off, she has increased my visits to once weekly. The problem is now I feel like I'm covering old ground. Like, really old ground, and I just don't want to go over it all over again. I'm sure it might be beneficial, etc., but I feel like I've dealt with it sufficiently for now. Besides, I can't afford $440/month right now; I have other expenses.

Anyhow, that's about it right now. I'm very busy with my speech class. It's a semester-length class done in 6 weeks with a serious pile of work to do, so I probably won't be posting much over the next few weeks.

Talk to ya later.

Rose-Colored World

2006-10-12T17:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm thinking about going back on my psych meds. This time, I'll try a different concoction. I haven't been feeling so hot of late. Not terrible, although I have had some terrible days--more than before. I miss waking up feeling good. I miss stability.

So I'll give it another try. But if I start experiencing the major side effects (somnolence, increased appetite/weight gain, anorgasm, lack of motivation), then I'm just going to have to go it alone. No meds. I know there's no cure-all, but I'd still like to give it another try.

* * * * *
Anyhow, things are okay. Life is fine. Really like having a cleaning woman come in once a month. Helps keep me cleaner/neater, and also gives me time to do more yard work, among other things.

Haven't been working out very much lately. So much for the psych meds taking away my motivation (that's all me, baby!). Insomnia and frequent waking is a problem. Last night was a good night--I only got up three times. I've been using sleeping pills and motrin the nights before work. The other nights I just struggle.

Dyed my hair again today. I'd been a very dark, chocolatey brown over Spring, but went blonde-ish a few months ago. I've never really liked the blonde color my stylist has used and last week I went back to her to have her do my roots and came out more blonde and less happy than when I went in. I gave it a week or so, but today I decided to get rid of it. Now I'm "medium ash blonde" (kind of a mousy brown-blonde) which I think is closer to my natural hair color (altho I have red in mine). I'm not thrilled with the result, but I think I like it better than the blonde.

Gettin' so I change my hair color almost as often as I change my socks!

* * * * *
YellowDog almost killed RacerEx's girlfriend's cat the other day. The cat lives with the girlfriend's dog, Sugar, and, until YellowDog came for a visit, the cat and Sugar had co-existed quite amicably.

Seems that YellowDog, along with being part Pit Bull, is a bad influence on Sugar. The two of them trapped the cat and tried to tear it to bits.

Luckily, no one was hurt.

Guess you can take the dog out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the dog. I had noticed she's become rather territorial lately, pacing the yard back and forth, barking a lot at passers-by, marking her spot with pee more often than usual. Ah well, like I said, she is a Pit Bull. That jaw's not as big as it is for smiling--it's for breaking bones!

* * * * *
Rover's been fantastic. Never ceases to surprise me. HeadShrinker made the same remark: that I'm always surprised when Rover comes thru and/or shows me how much he loves me.

It's a Rover thing. I just don't expect him to be normal, to act normal. With everyone else, I was never surprised by their actions--they were consistent with the image I had of them. Rover's actions don't match my image. Guess I should work on that. Or not.

* * * * *
That's about it. Like I said, feeling rather blah lately. Not bad, just not great.

Still having pain in my lower pelvic area and now have discovered a very hard lump deep within. That can't be good.

As Roseanne Rosanna Danna would say, "It's always something!"

Rats! Foiled Again

2006-10-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

My last post never made it to publishing. I was spell checking it and hit a wrong button and a very well written post was lost. Ah well, I was just moaning about some garbage that was going on in my life last weekend. Perhaps it is better lost to the invisible universe than read again.

* * * *
Spent yesterday morning in the emergency room. Seems that lower left pelvic pain I was experiencing may have been an ovarian cyst--which probably burst in the middle of the night and kept me awake and crippled until morning at which time I drove myself to the hospital. Glad it was just a cyst and not a tubal pregancy or something which could have been dire. When I told my ob/gyn I'd been in the E.R. he was apologetic for not having made time for me when I'd first mentioned the pain. Oh well, no harm, no foul.

* * * *
I'm better today I guess. It was nice to be high on Vicodin for the afternoon. Now it's back to reality.

I'm taking a business communications class which meets on Saturdays. It's pretty good so far. Easy "A" I think. The text is pretty interesting too.

I've been spending so much time alone lately. At first I was lonely and feeling a bit stressed about it, but I've gotten somewhat used to it now. Guess tonite I'll work on that crochet blanket I've been working on for over a year now. I like to crochet on the one hand, but it's rather boring on the other and the pattern of this blanket is tricky enough that watching T.V. whilst I crochet is difficult--albeit not impossible.

So yeah, it's only 6:30, but I think I'll put on my jammies and hunker down on the couch with my blanket and my Tivo.

Nite now.

Eyes Wide Open

2006-09-30T00:31:00.000-07:00

I've been having a bit of insomnia again lately. Like tonite. Like last night. Grrrrr. Insomnia usually brings negative thoughts/ruminations with it. Last night I took a sleeping pill. I just took one again about 15 minutes ago. I can't do negative thoughts. They just keep me awake.

Besides, I've been feeling lonely for the last two days. I've been off work for a long time now since the ankle sprain and it's truly time to get back to work. My house is immaculate; my yard is fairly well tended. I can't sit home and clean anymore.

So, yeah, I'm a bit lonely.

Lonely for Rover, that is. Part of it is that I've spent the last four days alone and have only spent one night with him since Sunday. Tomorrow I have class, so I won't get to spend the day with him. Part of it is that I'm looking to the future. There's a promotional exam coming up in late November and he has to study for it. I understand that, and I will try to be good, but I know it's going to take him away from me. He says he wants to study with me next to him, but I know that won't work. It never does. He never gets anything done when we're together. He has to isolate himself from me. Besides, he's formed a study group with some other guys (and I'm not included), so he'll be with them. And then there's his legal work. And the firehouse.

And now I have a class every Saturday for a while.

So. It's not looking so good for us.

I'll try to be patient. But patience is not my strong suit, not a virtue I possess.

So I worry. Fret. Feel lonely.

I've been busy lately, but it still doesn't make up for coming home every night to an empty house and an empty bed.

I worry it's a sign of things to come, things that have arrived.

After all, after the "honeymoon" phase is over, don't we all just default back to the way we've always been? And his M.O. is busier than god.

Alas, I fear.

* * * * *
Good news is I've been working out like a mo-fo. I feel good. More energetic than when on the Celexa.

My innards are still giving me some trouble tho. I've been in pain for the last several weeks. The pain is localized and has increased, becoming sharper. I have more tests to come, altho my biopsy from the other day was normal. So that's good. Next I get an ultra sound. They've yet to do bloodwork. Hope it's something simple.

Side Bar

2006-09-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

Justin, I've posted two comments on your blog, but they don't show up. Just so you know. Hope all's well.

The Diet's Going Well

2006-09-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

I've only gained two pounds.

What, Me Worry?

2006-09-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

Women problems.

I'm off in about an hour to go get an intsy-winsy biopsy of my internal bits .

Because I am such a freak, I made the doctor prescribe me an Ativan, which I will take along with the prophylactic Motrin he recommended. The last time I had something done like this my mom was in town, I took two Ativan, had a margarita after the procedure and conked out for 16 hours.

Where courage is lacking there are always pharmaceuticals.

I hate having pieces of me snipped out. It's just not natural.

Last night I dreamt about the procedure and the doctor in my dream used the word carcinoma. Guess I have cancer on my mind. No history in the family, but with what I do for a living, I don't suppose it matters who had what down the family line.

* * * *
Picked up a good book at the bookstore yesterday: Mayflower about the Pilgrims. I like early American history.

* * * *
I need to learn to sew. Not with a machine (altho that would be great too), but by hand.

I took "shop" instead of Home Ec. Wish I'd taken Home Ec now.

Anyhow, gotta go get snipped at. Wish me luck.

Nothing--No Dirt, No Fat

2006-09-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

So this "diet" I'm on. Remember I said I was losing about 1/2 pound per day.

WRONG!!!

I've lost nothing. No weight, nothing.

My only hope is I'm converting fat to muscle by working out more again, thus explaining the poundage equilibrium. My stomach does look flatter. Hmmmm.

* * * *
Cleaning lady and her helper are here now. Yahoo! I've been running around over the last several days picking up, putting back and throwing out clutter around my house. When she finally got here and my bedroom was in a state a person could actually clean and not organize, I could see the dirt, dust and smudges. I really needed some help. This house is just too big for me, for one person, for one person who is barely here. I can keep it picked up, but I don't have the time, energy or desire to keep it spit-spot. Nice to see it getting dusted. Poor furniture, they've been smothering.

* * * *
I'm feeling better. I was going to stop seeing HeadShrinker, but when I finished my "closing session" last night, we determined I should just keep on coming for a while. But I'll never be truly "fixed" will I? I keep thinking I should go it on my own.

Anyhow, I've got stuff to do. Gotta go.

Funk

2006-09-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

Woke up feeling crummy.

Slept horribly because my mouth kept drying out and my nose was congested so I had to keep breathing out of my mouth. Thus, after 2:30 a.m., I awoke about every 15-20 minutes with a horribly dry mouth.

Also had alcohol last night, three drinks. That's three drinks too many, and I felt hung over. It was better when I wasn't drinking anything.

Have been having trouble sleeping, so I've been using my sleeping pills on several nights.

All combined I think it's having a negative effect.

Fought with Rover this morning as he left to go watch his best buddy's kid's football game. He's mad that I didn't want to go with him and said he's mad that I sprung it on him at the last minute, that I should have told him yesterday or at least earlier this morning. Sorry. I guess I should have told him ealier. I just called and apologized for not having done so. He apologized for having a snit.

Fact is I don't want to go to kiddie foot ball every weekend. That's part of the reason why we went to Oregon, yes, all the way to Oregon. We went to watch his 10-year-old nephew play foot ball and his 12-year-old niece play soccer. Fine. But I don't want to do that every weekend. I don't even want to do it semi-regularly. Every once in a while is okay, but not all the time. We used to just show up for the last half of the game, but when I suggested we go late today, Rover said no. But to me they're boring events. I can only be polite for so long. I don't want to stand around for an hour and a half. I can be happily doing other things.

So now when I think about what I missed in not being a parent, instead of having regret, I'm thankful. I would hate to have to go to all those stupid games just to be a "good mother."

* * * *
Blah. I just feel like crap today. My mood is crap. I think I'll go try to take a nap. Maybe I'll feel better if I get some sleep.

Slowly, Slowly

2006-09-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

Perhaps one of the most important things to remember when on a diet is that it took years to gain the weight you now possess and that it's completely unrealistic to expect years of accumulated blubber to disappear over night--or even in a couple of weeks.

Still, it's difficult to be patient. I've been weighing myself every morning, logging the weight onto a piece of paper, and seem to be dropping about half a pound a day, give or take (mostly give). What that amounts to is about 2 pounds so far.

I'm sure that some of that, if not most, is water weight. The trick is not to be fooled by water fluctuations and stop the diet prematurely. Assuming my weight this morning is correct, I only really want to lose about five more pounds, but I think I should shoot for eight and try to balance from there.

Five to eight pounds may seem like a silly amount of weight to be losing, but I want to be lean like I was two years ago (Justin, you saw my bikini picture. I think I looked great, don't you?) And it's not as if I'm "fat." I'm just fatter than I like to be. But losing those last few pounds is probably the most difficult for anyone.

I believe every body has a natural "set point," a place/weight/body fat content your body likes to be or tends to stay at. My body seems to set itself at or about 151-154 lbs when I'm fit and muscular (depending on time of the month and/or if I've eaten salty, water-retaining foods). At this set weight, I have full boobs and a pretty good butt, but my stomach isn't flat, I have fat pad over my hip bones, I have noticeable bra fat, and my upper arms get fairly big. I've even noticed this time around (and at this age?) I have cellulite on my fat where I never had it before (like on my arms???!!!). The positive thing is that my fat is fairly well distributed around my upper body (i.e., no icky saddle bags or a huge stomach or anything).

At my desired weight, between 138-143, I have a great, flat stomach, my arms tone down and I lose the bra fat. I can wear low-rise pants without fear, and I feel like I look fantastic. The only drawbacks are that my ass flattens out and I lose 1/2 to a whole cup size--and I don't like that. My face also gets pretty thin, but my arms and stomach? Love 'em.

So is there a compromise? Would I look acceptable (to myself) at the 142-145 range? If so, how do I keep it there? Assuming I even get there.... How do I maintain any weight lower than my set point?

I mean, it seems much easier to just lose weight or gain weight. Either eat like a sparrow or eat like a pig. There don't seem to be many options in between.

You may think that sounds rather extreme, but here's the problem. I have a sweet tooth. A big one. So, at home, I don't buy the stuff. Come to my house on any given day and look for a treat. The best you'd find is some cinnamon and some sugar that you could combine to make some cinnamon-sugar toast... if you could find bread and/or butter, neither of which are staples at my house. So managing at home is no problem.

But then there's the firehouse. And let's face it, the firehouse is my other home. I live there 1/3 of my life. A few days every week (or more if I'm covering someone else's shift), I arrive at 7:00 in the morning on one day, spend the entire day there, sleep there, and then leave at 8:00 the next morning.

When I arrive at the firehouse, chances are that sitting on the counter and at the dining table are at a minimum one of, or more likely several of, the following: cake, pie, cookies, doughnuts, brownies, candy, coffee cake, bagels, chips, pretzels, etc. In addition, the previous night's left overs are out for consumption as well: skirt steak, chicken Parmesan, pesto pasta, cheesy pasta, red sauce pasta, etc. Whatever. Anything and everything delicious and filled with butter and fat. There it all sits, just waiting to be eaten, calling out to the passerby, "EAT ME." (And the kitchen is literally in the main communications room so you can't really avoid it.)

Dutifully, I try to avoid all the tasty temptations by making myself a bowl of oatmeal with dried fruit. But eventually, as the day wears on and the goodies remain out staring me down, I lose my will. A slice of the pan of brownies, the sugary top of the peach pie... then the peach filling inside... then another small slice of brownie. A few BBQ chips, a piece of skirt steak. So basically, I had breakfast and a bunch of crap. Oh, and then it's time for lunch. So I eat lunch. I have to eat lunch because all I've been eating all morning is crap and I know I can't run on sugar alone. After lunch, the afternoon wears on in the same manner. Between runs and working out, there's plenty of time to graze. And then, of course, the cook is making dinner preparations, usually involving dessert, so....

You get the picture.

So it's tough.

That's why I'm so strict at home.

So how do I do it? How do I muster up the will power? What mind game haven't I yet invented to combat the cravings? How do I find balance? Right now while I'm off with my sprained foot (which is healing very nicely, so much so that I can do the stationary bike) it's easy. There are no temptations. I can go to the gym every day. I am active.

I am going to have to be strong.

Damn it's hard.

* * * *
Anyway, enough of that. I have to get going. Off to the gym, market, tanning place, etc..... Have a good weekend.

In Quest of Flavor

2006-09-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

So I've started this diet, right? And, for the most part, I can have pretty good will power when I put my mind to it--or play sufficient mind games with myself.

But here's the thing: I'm lazy. At least when it comes to cooking I am.

Eating healthy and cutting calories combined with a disdain for cooking don't really go together. Now some of you might pipe up that there are plenty of frozen low-cal meals out there that one can just pop into the microwave or oven. But seriously, does anyone really think that stuff is food? And has anyone read the ingredients, let alone looked at the sodium content, of those frozen meals? Besides, eating the 1/4 ounce of chicken and the two peas, the three carrots and the twig of broccoli they pack into one of those dinners is laughable if you're trying to feel full and not hit the high-calorie snacks after that pitiful "meal."

And let's be honest, steamed veggies are bland, bland, bland and get boring pretty fast.

So here's what I did. I went to Trader Joe's and bought a bunch of those little bags of veggies that say "microwave in this bag" on the front of the package. They're more expensive than the veggies you buy in bulk at regular markets, but not that much more. And I'm talking fresh veggies, such as snow peas, baby zucchini, summer squash, butternut squash, broccoli, etc. If you like, you can eat them right out of the bag, steam them plain in the bag as shown, or, as I discovered today in Safeway, add a little bit of good old water and a delicious substance called McCormick Veggie Steamers (garlic & basil). I ignored the directions on the back of the Veggie Steamers pouch because I figured the amount of seasoning in the packet would be way too much and way too strong (and I was right), so I just added some water and a small amount of the spices to my veggies in their original bag, popped them into the micro and, voila!, fresh veggies with flavor and NO CLEAN UP!!!!!

And the gooey, garlicy sauce was delicious with my BBQ'd turkey breast too. Two flavor birds with one stone.

Anyhow, just thought I'd share my revelation.

* * * *
Oh yeah, it's really nice to be on vacation at home. I like being home several days in a row, as it allows me to clean up my place, shop and eat better and get into a healthier exercise routine. That's all for now. Bye.

Cleansed

2006-09-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

Well, the cleanse is officially over for me. What a whimp, eh? Didn't even last 24 hours.

It started last night when I was absolutely famished and a friend of mine who has just broken up with his girlfriend asked if I'd have dinner with him. I thought I would just sit there while he ate, but it smelled so damn delicious in the restaurant that, being famished, I couldn't resist ordering. I ordered sensibly and only ate half of my chicken picatta dinner. Yum!

I went back home and decided to start anew, ending my evening with some laxative tea (lovely). This morning, as prescribed by the cleanse, I began the day with the saline "wash": 2 teaspoons uniodized salt in 4 cups of luke warm water. This "wash" is supposed to "rinse/scrape" some kind of plaque that forms on your intestine walls and aide in cleaning you out.

Now, I don't know about you, but drinking four cups of luke warm water first thing in the morning--or in one sitting at any time of day for that matter--is no easy task. Add to that water two small teaspoons of salt and you have an unimaginably vile concoction. Take my word for it. Or, for shits and giggles, try it for yourself.

Yesterday, trying to pretend I was just drinking a brothy kind of soup, I managed to injest about 3-1/2 cups.

Today, I vomited it up after the second swig.

For me, vomiting is my body telling me something: don't drink any more of this crap.

* * * *
I thought the cleanse would help me kick start a diet. Perhaps it did. Because as of today I am on a diet. No ice cream, no crap. I'm going to make some veggie soups and things today, healthy stuff. Oh yeah, and no beef for a while. Beef messes with my stomach lately. Lots of salad with very little dressing. And my vitamins. I should eat some fruit too. No more frosted shredded wheat.... that's sad. Shredded wheat is so yummy. Perhaps if I get the unfrosted kind..., but what's the point in that?

Anyhow, I'd better get moving. I've got to shop and mow the lawn. Wonder if that laxative tea will have me on the throne all day long. Hope not. Silly fast.

Cleansing

2006-09-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

Did I mention I sprained my foot? I think I did. Well, timing is everything, because being off of work makes for a perfect time to do my Master Cleanse. Additionally, I forgot to bring my birth control pills along on Rover's and my little vacation in Oregon, so I'm completely drug free right now. That makes it doubly a good time to do a fast/cleanse.

For a week or more, I'm supposed to drink nothing more than this lemon-maple syrup concoction along with lots of water and nightly laxative tea. Hmmmm. RoomyEx did it for 15 days and said she had plenty of energy. So far, it's 2:00, and I'm starving!!! Don't know how long I can keep it up, but I'll give it a try.

* * * *
Still no head meds. Still feel really happy. I'm more emotional and I cry more easily, but my tears don't last long. And they're not bad tears. Often, I feel completely sappy about Rover and when I tell him how I feel, my eyes well up. So those are good tears. And then, like this weekend, sometimes they're tears of self-pity, wishing I'd had a life I didn't. But then I pull myself back in and remind myself to be thankful for what I have now.

I was sorting through a box this morning and came across some loose photos of my wedding day to RacerEx. He/we looked so young and happy. Looking at him made me miss him. So I welled up with tears and put the pictures away. No sense in thinking about it, things are they way they are.

* * * *
Still feeling somewhat muddle-headed and almost dizzy during much of the day. Perhaps less so, but it's difficult to tell. I'm hoping it's Celexa withdrawal, but I don't know. Around 4:00 or 4:30, I'm almost disablingly sleepy and it's all I can do to power through without a nap. With or without the nap, I'm not sleeping well at night like I did when I was on the Celexa. Slept better on the Celexa than I ever have in my life. Unfortunately, good sleep habits didn't carry over to non-Celexa life.

Drank some cocktails in Oregon, but I have to abstain again now that I'm on the cleanse. Good news is they didn't have any negative effect on my mood. But I didn't drink too much, and it was just over the weekend, so not exactly long-term use. Still, I will keep booze to a minimum or cut it out completely for long periods of time now.

* * * *
I need to diet. And exercise more.

* * * *
Phony nails are still looking GREAT! Nary a chip, split or crack. Polish is completely in tact, and I've been rough on them.

My advice: gel not acrylic.

* * * *
Gotta get going now. I've lost my camera battery charger and it's driving me nuts. Could swear I've been looking at it on my desk for the last several months, but no. Also, must go pick up for the cleaning lady who is coming by to give me an estimate.

See ya.

Taking Advantage

2006-09-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

Sprained my foot at work yesterday. Bummer.

Luckily, it's my foot and not my ankle, which is a more complex area.

Even better, I was scheduled to start some vacation time today, so instead of losing the vacation time, I get the time off as paid disability time. Oh, lucky me.

Had my nails done. I rarely ever do my hands. No point. As a firefighter, my hands get so beat up, there's no room for foofy nails. Not even worth paying for a simple manicure. But today, since I'm off for the next few weeks, I did a gel wrap (as opposed to acrylic--I hate acrylic nails). They look great--very thin and natural looking. Had them put just a pinkish, clear coat over the top for a natural look. So far, the nail polish isn't even chipping, which seems to happen to me a lot, so....

* * * *
Still booze and meds free.

Still happy, happy, happy.

Rover and I are driving up to Oregon to visit his sister this weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

Sex life has taken a happy turn, as the meds were making me anorgasmic and messing with my ability to get wet. Oh happy day. Sex is good again and not frustrating. Yay me. Read an article in the E.R. yesterday that says omega-3 fats and dark chocolate are good for sex life. Perhaps that's what's helping, too, as I starting taking loads of vitamins last week--flax seed oil among them.

Felt like having a drink the other night but abstained. It's getting more difficult to resist, but I like the way I'm feeling, so I'll keep it up. I have a tentative date with the Rabbit and GirlFriday on the 16th. We'll booze and smoke it up then. Haven't smoked in months and months (more than a year even?--can't remember).

Started my diet today. Meds also made me gain weight and unable to control my appetite (never felt full). Wanted a big plate of chow fun today, but came home and ate a big salad instead. Not as delicious or as satisfying, but, well, I'm tired of feeling fat. I'll have a yoghurt too, to satisfy the sweet tooth.

* * * *
That's about it, I guess. Life is good. Even with a sprained foot.

Clear

2006-08-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Been weeks since I've had any booze.

Started taking vitamins like Mom told me to.

I've tapered off my Celexa and have been on 1/4 pill (5 mg) for the last four days. Saw a psychiatrist today who told me 5 mgs is probably "sub-therapeutic" and I might as well just stop taking the pills altogether. I'm gonna continue for a day or two tho.

I feel good.

Clear headed.

I've cried a few times over a few things: remembering my dead best friend, watching a movie, thinking about how sad I felt when I was so depressed about my losing RacerEx and the prospect of losing Rover too.

But they weren't depressing kinds of cries. I was sad, to be sure, but only for the moment.

* * * *
What if the fact simply is I've had a difficult, depressing life? What if the fact is that my life is good now and no longer depressing? Is it possible not to be depressed anymore?

God I hope so.

I mean, my childhood sucked. Dad was drunk and violent; Mom ineffectual. My wonderful stepdad died; Mom was a mess. Pedophile boyfriend moved in; Mom was self-absorbed and in denial. No one helped me through it, helped me cope. Marijuana, drugs and cynicism took me through. At least I dated nice men. But they couldn't help.

So I collapsed. But now I feel better. I'm working through it all. I'm drug free and, well, sober too. Not that I really had a drinking problem, but I still had alcohol in my system. And I do think it contributed to some bad feelings--and some stupid fights between Rover and me.

I still sleep a lot. And I still have a long way to go. But I'm going. And that's what matters, I suppose. It's a process.

Pogo

2006-08-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here at my desk and I keep hearing a noise outside. This repetitive, irritating noise. It stops for a second, and then it starts up again. Grnng grack, grnng grack, grnng grack. What the hell is that noise? And then it hits me: it's a pogo stick. The kids next door must have gotten a pogo stick.

And it's driving me nuckin' futs!

Oh well, they'll lose interest soon enough.

* * * *
Been tapering off my meds again. I'm down to 1/4 pill starting today and I feel okay. I was moody and down the other day, but I think those feelings might be explained by PMS.

Boy am I tired! Fatigue is one of the withdrawal symptoms. So is anxiety and overwhelming depression. So I'll take fatigue. Had difficulty pushing the vacuum cleaner around today, so I guess I'm feeling rather weak too. Not good. Hard to be a macho firefighter when one can barely push a vacuum around.

Wonder if I'm a bit anemic. I've been having some menstrual issues over the last several months amounting to prolonged, heavy bleeding. I had an appointment with my OB-Gyn on Thursday, but he canceled because he was sick. I couldn't get another appointment until September 20th. Ah, managed care. Well, at least I have care. I'll just taking some multi-vitamins with iron just in case.

I go see a real shrink on Tuesday. I want to change meds or get off them completely based on his recommendations. Celexa isn't working for me anymore. Too many side effects have cropped up and I refuse to live with them any longer.

I've gained a lot of weight on this Celexa-- ten to 12 pounds. Yikes! Thank god I was in the best shape ever when I first went on them because now I'm just thicker and still look okay. But I don't like it.

And life with Rover isn't exactly conducive to eating well and exercising regularly. Wish he lived closer.

So I'm not getting much done the last few days due to the fatigue. Oh well, it'll go away eventually, I guess. Or it won't.

That's about it.

* * * * *
Movie recommendation: Go see Little Miss Sunshine. It's a hoot.

Waiting Room

2006-08-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'm still not feeling great. I think what's happening is ennui is setting in.

Rover and I spent the better part of a week together up at the River just relaxing and socializing with his family and friends. It was nice, but by the end of it, I was exhausted from not sleeping well (bed at his cabin is an old, saggy full mattress, yikes!) and from too much drinking. Not so much from drinking too much at any one time but from drinking two or three drinks every day that we were on our little vacation.

I'm drunk out. Haven't had any booze in almost a week now, and, too be quite honest, I think I have been drinking too much for a while now and I want to give it a long break. I don't want to have to drink to have fun, to enjoy life. I like drinking. It is social and fun and funny. Everyone is looser and sex is great, etc. But I honestly think I've had enough of it lately.

I feel almost the same way I felt when I finally quit smoking. I was just done all of a sudden. I almost feel that way about booze. Guess I'm not much of an addict--the whole time I'm using any kind of substance, there's a part of me that knows it's not good for me and so I have a little voice nagging at me all the time until I finally quit.

Anyhow, back to feeling bored or stagnant or whatever it is....

The other night I was supposed to spend the night at Rover's house after socializing (booze free I will add) with some girlfriends. But I left early from my party and went for a long walk with a girlfriend and didn't feel like spending the night with him, seeing him, etc. So I drove 45 minutes home instead of driving 15 to 20 minutes to his place.

A first.

And then he wanted to spend today together, but I didn't really feel like it. Luckily, I owed someone at work a shift and he needed one today, so I picked up the extra shift and cancelled plans with Rover.

It's not Rover so much as it is me.

I'm getting tired of living on the road. I want to go home to my own house and establish some kind of routine. I haven't been home much in so long, and I don't feel like I'm getting anything done in my life. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, playing hookie from my own life, pissing away time with my "boyfriend," but not moving forward with my own thing--whatever the hell that is.

I need to find something to do/work on that has some meaning for ME. I don't know what that is. I've looked so hard in the past at finding that passion, but I just can't figure out what form it should take. I feel so brain dead. In some ways, I think I'd like to raise a child to give my life some purpose. Certainly, it's not coming from intellectual endeavors. And it's not coming from my love life. Nor from my job.

So what is it? What am I looking for? What do I need? I wish I new. I just want a sense of purpose, an interest, a feeling of forward motion.

I don't feel that right now.

I have weathered the storm and have enjoyed the lull, but now it's time to get moving.

What form will it take/

From Nothing for a Change

2006-08-08T19:42:00.000-07:00

So I had an "emergency" headshrinker session today. Actually, I scheduled it yesterday, but I really needed it today.

I've been really off since Thursday. Today I started feeling detached, disassociated from myself, and really down. I came home from Rover's house this morning intent on going to the gym and instead went back to bed and slept until my session.

It was a good session and the strategy now is to pool my resources. I need her, my ob-gyn, and a psychiatrist collaborating with me to achieve the right concoction of drugs and hormones. I will continue with the HeadShrinker so I have someone to talk to.

It's funny. This is the first time I've felt this way, this bad, when nothing has happened to provoke it. I mean, things are good all around. I'm just not doing well right now. It's kind of a relief, really, to know that this time it's all me and not Rover or RacerEx or something. Seems easier to tackle somehow.

Anyhow, that's it. Just wanted to post.

Always Gone

2006-08-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

Haven't been around at all to write. Nor have I felt like it.

Things have been going along steadily, with only a couple of major bumps here and there.

I decided last night that my emotional bumps often (or always?) coincide with sessions at HeadShrinker's office, and that perhaps it is time to stop seeing HeadShrinker and let myself enjoy life without ad infinitum introspection.

These moody blues also coincide with low levels or skipped doses of my psych meds. It's scary to think that my stability has grown so dependent on a little pink pill. But, like air and water, I seem to need these SUI's and will go on taking them. Hate how it affects me sexually, but I guess that's the price to pay for happiness.

That's all for now. I'm at work and can't really post in private so. Until next time.

85%

2006-07-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

BoboEx (Hubby #1, yes, there were two) used to say that he only expected to get 85% of what he was looking for. I always wondered how one could approach life in that manner and be satisfied, but, to be quite honest, he seemed pretty content.

* * * *
Speaking of 85%, I noticed some egregious grammos/typos in my last post (their for there and than for then). [*shudders*]. Ick! I hate grammos/typos, but I guess that's what one gets when one doesn't proof what they've written. Justin, I know you hate poor usage as much as I do, so please don't think me an uneducated boob, I just hate going over my entries before I post and, thus, lots of typos get by....

* * * *
Anyhow, BoboEx used to be satisfied with 85%. Seems pretty reasonable, eh? Eighty-five percent seems a bit low on the expectation meter if you ask me, but, heck! it's not a bad number.

I think about it sometimes--85%, that is. Lately, I've been thinking about it in regards to my last post about marriage and living together. I can't say I disagree with O.K. Indeed, relationships seem to work quite well, if not better, when not living together. Cynical? Perhaps. But in my world, considering all my relationships eventually come to an end (or they "change," if you want to put a nice spin on things), not living together seems to take a lot of the complications out of things.

Think about it. Not living together means not having to stay together longer than you want to because you're entangled in a joint lease or you've purchased joint stuff, etc. You can get out when when want. Same with marriage, except marriage adds the whole legal wrinkle to it. It's messy.

Breaking up, after all, is a process, and, well, it's probably just a hell of a lot easier to do it when you're living in your own house with your own mortgage and your own stuff.

Were Rover and I to break up today, the only thing I might want to retrieve from him is my black bathing suit. But I don't even care about that item, so, shoot, it's easy. Done is done.

With RacerEx as with BoboEx, there was property and money to divide, living situations to consider, paperwork to create and file, and legal stuff. Yech!

* * * *
So what do I have? By gum, I have at least 85%. I have great (and I mean great) sex. I have a nice man in my life who treats me well (finally). I have my own house. I have time to myself to spend with my friends or in any manner I wish. I have a boyfriend who wants to help me financially if I need it (so far, thank my lucky stars, I haven't needed it, but he's offered to help pay for a pool if I put one in, so.... hmmm, I might take him up on that offer). I have three houses to frequent--my own, his in the City, and his at the River (pretty darned convenient and nice). I don't have any familial obligations on his end--I mean, his dad is still all tied in with Lips (has a crush on her, even (which is weird), and, frankly, this whole break up between his son and her was just not what HE wanted, but too bad). And I have someone who talks about spending his future with me, who wants to keep "fucking me until I'm old," which I think is pretty darned nice.

And we really get along quite well anymore.

I have a lot.

What I don't have is marriage. Or living together.

So?

I'm good. Life is still good. My struggles are internal. They have little, if anything, to do with Rover, with my relationship with him.

* * * *

Oh yeah, and I have a new friend from work. I really like her. We were very slow to connect, but she's really cool. A geek, really. And I like that. We're gonna go see "A Scanner Darkly" together. She's already called me, and I've gladly called her back. She's smart. She's funny looking and has a lazy eye. She's more than she seems. She needs a pseudonym. I want to call her "Inter-City Youth" (long story), so, since the initials of that spell something, I'll just refer to her as ICY. Yep, I have a new friend named Icy, and I think we'll be friends for a long time.

Yay me.

"I am as Constant as The Northern Star"

2006-07-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

Hate being so wishy-washy about what I want.

For example, I don't know if I want to get married/live with anyone again. I've been saying that I don't, but sometimes I think I'm just lying to myself, saying what I think Rover wants to hear. And there's so much outside pressure. From Mom, from my girlfriends. Everyone talks about men's level of commitment and about not "wasting one's time" with someone who isn't going to marry me. It's difficult to find my own voice amidst all the chatter/opinion.

Seemingly, it is okay for a man to spend his life as a bachelor (even if we think there is really something wrong with him), but it is not acceptable and is even pitiable for a woman to spend her life in same state. Certainly it is a shame to watch a woman "throw away the best years of her life" with some guy who "doesn't want to marry her."

We got into a discussion about it last night, and it was kind of upsetting. Marriage to/with Rover is NOT an option. Period.

I don't think that bothers me. But I'm not really sure. I mean, right now it doesn't. But how will I feel in a few years?

He asked me point blank: "Is this discussion the precursor to the marriage ultimatum? Is this going to be an ongoing, deciding issue?"

Jeeez, I don't know. It's not an issue today. I mean, not really. But I barely know what I want or need right now, so how can I predict what I'll want or need in the future? I asked him how he thinks it is that he is SO CERTAIN about his position on marriage, living together, etc. He says he just knows himself and knows how he feels. He thinks marriage is a sham.

Well, gee, I don't think I'd go that far, but I must admit it doesn't appear to be all that it's cracked up to be. And it certainly was never "until death do us part" for me. Vows schmows. Never had any sticking power for me.

And then the living together stuff. I don't know about that either. He says he thinks he'd feel "trapped" if we were living together. Uhhh. Okay. We'll he's a big slob and I think I'd feel "annoyed all the fuckin' time by his slop" if we were living together. I mean, in many ways, we're just not compatible. I think he'd bug the shit out of me if I had to witness his time mismanagement all the time, and I don't know if I could just let him be and not nag him.

So I don't think we should live together. And I don't think I should really, in all responsibility, get married to anyone again. Certainly not now. Not yet.

Yet I remain conflicted.

I want that sense of community I had being married. I want the idea that I'm building a life with someone. I don't feel like I have that with Rover. Rover and I are operating two separate, independent worlds. I help him with his world and he helps me with mine, but there is no "joining of forces" so to speak.

But RacerEx and I joined forces. And now our joint efforts are separated and independent once more. Joining forces made no difference. In the end, I ended up with a nicer house, and he ended up with more money than he ever could have saved in his entire life. I got the shorter end of the stick if you ask me, not that it matters....

So what am I indecisive about? Is it just that I don't like being told I can't, in no uncertain terms, have something? Even if it's something I don't know I really want? Dunno. Maybe.

So how do I know what I want? How do I promise Rover marriage is not an issue when I do not know if it will be one? I do not want to have the ultimatum conversation right now.

I cannot tell him that if marriage is not in our future then we must quit now. That's not how I feel.

But I also don't want his ultimatum that if I don't put the issue to rest we are not going to make it.

So I hedged, told him what he wanted to hear: that marriage is not an issue for me. I didn't say "for now." I can't predict the future. Besides, I might change my mind at any given moment.

Like I said. I barely know what I want right now. How can I make promises about what I'll want or not want in the future--be it tomorrow or three years from now or whenever.

"Constantly in the darkness. Where's that at?"

I Almost Killed My Dog

2006-07-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

Picked her up today because I'm going to be watching her for the next two weeks to give RacerEx a break. First thing I did was take her for a walk. I arrived around noon and hadn't fed her yet, but figured she'd want the exercise, so I took her to the 2.25-mile loop we usually walk. It was a warm, sunny morning with a nice breeze. Not too hot for her or for me. She doesn't like the heat.

I had on my jogging clothes, as I'd gone for an earlier run, so I decided to let her set the pace, jogging, walking or pausing along side her at her pleasure. We trotted a bit and sniffed a bit and sometimes set out at a full-on gallop. At her usual place, she began to slow down; but unlike usual, she started making a hacking noise or a coughing noise (if dogs could cough). I wasn't sure if she'd inhaled a fox tale or if it was allergies or what, so I made her stop and rubbed her nose and throat a bit until she stopped snorting.

We had at least 1/2 a mile to go, but I forced her to slow down because her tongue was drooping pretty far out of her mouth and it was getting hotter. The snorting resumed at intervals, exacerbated by any pulling of her leash. Then she started favoring her right left paw....

We stopped and started at my discretion. I could see she was in pain and uncomfortable, but, like I said, we still had a ways to go--and she's way too big and heavy for me to carry. It's a dog's life. She had to keep walking.

We finally finished the loop at the dog-water-fountain, where she took a cursory lick and then sought shade and dropped to the ground unable to move another step. The panting began full "freak freight train" (as RacerEx would describe it), and I felt a little panicked as I realized she was over heated and in distress. I went to my car, parked very close by, and she did not get up to follow me but instead lay there panting like a mad man. I retrieved a cup and began making trips to the water fountain and then back to her to douse her with cool water. She rolled over and offered her belly for the water.

Poor thing.

I gave her a good 15 minutes, cooling down the car with the air conditioning as we waited. Finally I got her to rouse herself (with no little effort) and follow me back to the car. Once home, she collapsed once more in the shady grass. I got out the hose and hosed her down for several minutes until she got up, walked away and rolled in the shady grass to get the water off of herself.

Guess I know not to take her out in the heat like that on an empty stomach again. Shoot. I was a little afraid I'd done her in. Stupid person.

Rocky

2006-06-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

Well, today brings to end a difficult week.

I have been trying to taper off my meds again, with little success. Seems that either I cannot regulate my mood without them or that I coincidentally try to taper off during times when external circumstances prove difficult.

Anyhow, Rover and I have been squabbling. He is back to work with a vengeance and has started seeing me a little less. Our relationship has started sliding backwards a bit, and it has been making me feel down.

I started feeling depressed again.

Which started some drama between us. Actually the drama had been building over the course of the last week and a half. But I have trouble determining whether my mood is caused by the pills (or lack thereof) and I am imagine something is wrong or if something really is wrong.

We finally talked. I told him I can't go back to the way things were before, when it was all work and no play. I need to have play days, hookey days, days where he is not working but is only spending time hanging out with me. He refused, digging in, giving me an old line, "This is just the way I am!" (Mad face aside: "Like it or lump it.").

So I answered with a short silence and then just said, "Okay. I understand," and was then silent, thinking that the way he is doesn't really jibe with the way I am, so.... for me, it's not going to work.

And, somehow, I think he got it. Because he acquiesced. He offered to look at our calendars each week and ensure we have at least one non-work/play day.

And I went back on my pills.

So I'm feeling better about things.

But I don't like that I'm so dependent on my pills. But perhaps that's just the way I am.

Try It, You'll Like It

2006-06-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

Favorite sandwich (and I'm by no means big on sandwiches):

Bread: Ciabatta (or panini if you can't find it, or a good sour roll)
Meat: Prosciutto--it's a strong-tasting meat, so you only need two-three thin slices
Tomato
Spinach
Arugula
Brie Cheese
And best of all, the Spread: Pesto--yes, pesto, you can buy it pre-made at the store.

Put in broiler or toaster over to make it warm and the cheese melty. Yum!!!

* * * * *

Seven things to do before I die:

Go back to Paris
Discover what I'm passionate about and then
Go back to school and study it
Finish landscaping my yard
Buy a second home/piece of property
Become fluent in a second language
Retire before 60

Seven things I cannot do:

Carry a grudge
Tolerate a lazy work ethic
Knit
Play an instrument
Eat boiled spinach without gagging
Live in filth
Keep to a budget

Seven things that attract me to men:

Smile
Overt sexuality
Cheekiness
Honesty
Compassion
Self-Assurance
Banter

Seven books (or a series of books) I love:

The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles
Pride & Predudice
All Quiet on the Western Front
Dragon Song & Dragon Singer
Poems by e.e. cummings
The House of Mirth & The Age of Innocence
the Narnia Series

Seven Movies I'd Watch Over and Over Again:

The Deer Hunter
Bridget Jones's Diary
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Pride & Prejudice (BBC Series)
Harvey
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
A Clockwork Orange

I Hate to Bore You All...

2006-06-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

...but there's just no drama in my life.

I am happy. Things are going well.

Life is good. Hope all is the same for all y'all out there.

Love and Lust

2006-06-02T12:58:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I like pornography. All kinds. Audio, visual, written. It doesn't really matter. I wouldn't say I like it as much as most men I've known (any man, for that matter). I rely more on my own thoughts, fantasy or the spoken word to get me goin', but I still enjoy it. Sometimes I even request it.

That being said, there's nothing quite like a XXX movie starring a guy who looks an awful lot like one's brother to put the kybosh on one's libido.... [*shudders*] Need I say more?

Speaking of sex, I've noticed that I have a difficult time changing gears from love mode to lust mode. For example, Rover and I go through spells of cutsy sappiness. It's great. We hug and kiss a lot and exchange secrets about how we feel about one another, and then we snuggle romantically. Again, it's great.

But it's just not erotic to me.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes during those moments when I am overcome by loving him, I want to be intimate with him, to move slowly with him and enjoy him physically. For the most part, however, loving him does not stoke the sexual fire.

We talked about that phenomenon today over the telephone. He was boldy describing some explicit act to which I responded that we'd better get to it before the love began or I wouldn't be in the mood. He laughed and agreed how difficult it is to go from holding me like a little girl to treating me like a wanton slut.

So we've agreed. Tonite, it is sex first and then snuggling.

It makes me laugh.

* * * *
Things are good.

Snug as a Bug

2006-05-31T13:01:00.000-07:00

I feel so good so much of the time nowadays.

Rover and I continue to move forward, loving one another without drama. Somehow, we have become a good match. I guess there was a reason neither of us could let go of one another through all of the turmoil. This year marks our fourth year together--the best one by far.

I have more time off again, and I am loving it. I am getting fit again, which always makes me feel better about myself. I'm not losing any weight (which I'd like to do), but I still look good for 40, so I can't really complain. My house is clean and in fairly good order. My finances? Don't know yet, but I think I'm okay.

I continue in therapy every couple of weeks. I like it and think I am making some progress.

I am letting go of my relationship with RacerEx, putting into it only what I get from it--very little by friendship standards--and I am content with where it is.

* * * *
RoomyEx lost her baby after carrying it almost four months. This is her second loss. I fear she is too old to carry a normal, healthy child to term. She may have waited too long. She is going to try a few more times, but after these two, I have my doubts. She is so strong.

* * * *
That's about it. Life is steady. I'm going to go mow the lawn. It's almost too healthy!

OK, I'm thinking about you and your procedure. Good luck.

Dangling Conversation

2006-05-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

The fine and delicate art of concise expression. It's difficult. Indeed.

I am coming to find that I can discuss everything with Rover. From marriage to having babies to our future as a couple or as individuals. Anything concrete and specific is open for discussion.

Feelings are another story.

For example, last night after a good night out, and after Rover extended several invitations for me to join him with various family members at upcoming events, I mentioned that I felt uncomfortable and apprehensive around his family because of our history, because of their attachment and involvement in his life with Lips, etc. Well, after much talking back and forth, he seemingly had no idea what I was talking about and keept taking the conversation in a different direction. So, as with the other night, I ended up frustrated and exasperated.

This time, unlike last time, I didn't burst into tears. This time, I clammed up; then he got angry and he clammed up; and we both went to bed angry, frustrated and silent. No make up session. No attempt at resolution. Just heavy silence, leaving us to our own private thoughts.... His, dwelling on god knows what. Mine, lingering on hopelessness, the inevitability of our impending dissolution, and, finally, and familiarly, the recognition that I cannot sustain a long-term love relationship with anyone and that I might as well just put a gun to my head and end it all.

What the fuck?

Isn't it amazing how I can come to such a dramatic conclusion in the span of about 10 minutes? What is up with me? Why do I do that to myself? Why is suicide alwasy the inevitable conclusion/solution?

Don't worry. Things are fine. I am okay. Still solid.

Things with Rover are different. He is strong. Stronger than RacerEx was/is. He helps me back to square one. I am shaken, but I am still whole.

* * * *
Last Saturday, I started upping my Celexa doses again. Things have been rocky with me emotionally for the last week or two, so.... I mean, look at last night's thought pattern. Not so good. Better to take the drugs and not let my mind drift to that dark place.

It's such a struggle to maintain balance.

But I will continue trying. With help, if that's what it takes.

* * * *
I remain grateful for the life I have. I enjoy my days and have a new, better attitude at the firehouse again. I needed an attitude adjustment.

Now if the sun would only come out again.

Gotta go.

Stress Resumes

2006-05-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

So now that Roomy is gone along with her monthly rent check, the law office has also cut back my hours and has hired someone who costs half as much in my place. Can't say I blame them, as there really is no point in paying someone $35/hr. to file paper into drawers; but the financial stress is starting to worry me.

Lately, I have been having financial worries dreams.

And I am worried.

I really will have to cut back.

I know it is nice to have the extra time off, but it's so sudden. And all at once.

So I'm starting to feel a bit stressed out, and a little crabby, on edge. Not sleeping as well. Should I increase my Celexa again? Dunno. Isn't stress part of life? I think I should just try to learn to deal with it and/or look for a different job. Perhaps one that doesn't pay as well but one that is closer to home and perhaps has better/different hours.

Guess I'll just have to see how things go.

* * * *
Life with Rover continues to be good. Great. Love him.

I Am

2006-05-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for many things today:

1. I have a nice home.
2. I have love in my life and have had love in my life.
3. I have retained a friendship with RacerEx.
4. I have a good, solid job which provides me enough money to live comfortably.
5. I am strong and healthy.
6. I am happy right now.
7. YellowDog.
8. Rover.
9. HeadShrinker.
10. Mom. I love her.

Chipper

2006-05-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

Long time no write, eh? Just don't have the time or inclination anymore.

I guess things are good. Nothing to bitch about.

* * * *
I've begun weaning myself off of the Celexa. My reason for doing so is not that I feel so elated that I don't need it but because I feel normal again, meaning I can experience a full range of emotions again, like I've normalized or something. I will monitor my emotional progress carefully, and see how I do.

* * * *
Good work at HeadShrinker's the other day. Seems I can come to the point more quickly and am better able to discern what I need to work on. Last week I talked about my dis-ease with Rover's devotion turnabout and about how his new-found excitement for me makes me feel smothered which, in turn, makes me want to pull away and/or reject him in some way. I also came to the conclusion that I'm a good communicator when everything is going well, but when I start to have negative feelings about a relationship I am at a loss and am afraid to say anything because I am so afraid that expressing doubt or displeasure will shut my partner down and make him turn away from me. So we discussed these issues, among others, and she hooked them into my past experiences.

Then I went to Rover and we had a long talk. In many ways, I do not communicate well with him, and the talk was so frustrating that I began to sob uncontrollable at my inability to get my point across. He took me home (because we were out in public when I began crying), helped me into my p.j.'s and put his arms around me and told me he loves me and told me he wants me to talk to him, to tell him anything, and that he will try to understand. So I began again and, by the end, he still had absolutely no clue what I was talking about and was frustrated and upset because I was crying so hard at my inability to communicate.

He figured I was so upset because I was unhappy with him and with us. Why else, in his mind, would I be sobbing so uncontrollably? He wanted me to tell him something concrete, to tell him what was wrong, specifically, to tell him what I was unhappy about.

But I am not unhappy. About anything with him. He is being great. Wonderful. Everything I want. And so I told him I am not unhappy. Assured him, most definitely, that I am happy with him and with us but that it is more just that I am terrified to have faith in us, in me, in anything because nothing has ever worked out for me in the past, but that I love him and that I am just afraid to let myself.

So he took me in his arms again and kissed my forehead and wiped my tears and told me he was not going anywhere and that he loves me more than he has ever felt or known and that he is terrified too.

And we awoke happily as we so often do anymore, glad to be in each other's presence, him asking me to tell him what zany dreams I'd had that night. And I did. That next night I saw him again, sitting comfortably on his couch watching the boob tube while he did his thing at his place, coming upstairs every few minutes to smile at me, give me a kiss, and chat just a bit between tasks.

Things are good.

* * * *
And I am back on track in other ways, too. Last weekend and the weekend before, I began tending to my house and my yard in earnest. Tuesday I spent the day doing chores and getting things done around here. It is nice to have my house back. I am glad Roomy moved out. And I am glad the law office is cutting back on my hours (not financially, but...), because now I don't feel as if I'm rushing around like a crazy person.

* * * *
So that's that. Now I think I'll log off and go check in on my blog buddies. Talk to ya later.

Befuddled

2006-04-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

I just can't seem to get over the sudden change in Rover's behavior. It just shows you that actions speak louder than words and that my intuition about how he was acting and feeling in the past was not off base. I mean, now it is SOOO obvious how he feels. Wonder how long it will last? He keeps talking about getting old together and about his grandkids to come, etc.

Guess I should just enjoy it, stop questioning it, etc. But it's just weird, weird, weird.

The More Things Change

2006-04-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

Long weekend with Rover. The second we've had. And he asked me if he could see me next weekend, and the weekend after that, and the weekend after that, and all the weekends after that for many years to come.

And he made doe eyes at me and complimented me so much, it was actually too much. And he talked about us and the future and about wanting to help me financially if I need it and about wanting to take care of me if I get sick and about liking me and loving me, etc., etc. He kept kissing me and looking at me and touching my face.

I tell you it was all just too much. Nice, but too much. Over stimulated.

I'm not complaining, mind you.

But it's somewhat bizarre, and I'm baffled at the 180 he's done.

* * * *
As he left tonite I felt a sense of contentment. My house is the cleanest it has been in months. I had companionship all weekend, I accomplished a lot, I'm happy to have my house back to myself, and I don't feel overworked. It's nice to have weekends off for a change.

I feel good (except for my cold and its relapse yesterday). Life is good.

Gonna go watch the boob tube.

10 Pleasures

2006-04-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

1. YellowDog (all around).
2. Hunkering down for a nap in the afternoon.
3. The satisfaction of good design (like the nifty cup holder on the seat back of the airline seats on my most recent flight).
4. A neat, tidy, well-organized and clean room/space.
5. Noticing a beautiful day.
6. Waking after a funny dream.
7. A good book.
8. Recognizing I'm in a good mood.
9. Feeling fortunate (I mean the feeling I get when I recognize how lucky I acutally am).
10. Laughing my ass off.

So Much Has Changed

2006-04-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

In the words of the illustrious Cheryl Crow, "The change will do you good."

It was so good to get away, to see life from a different perspective, to live simply with few clothes and with little stuff around me, to take public transportation and to eat differently.

I am more relaxed about things. Everything. Had a good therapy session the other day, made good progress in re: RacerEx, Rover and my own life and future, namely goal-setting.

Somehow, I feel so much more tolerant, more patient, less rushed.

* * * *
Roomy has all but moved out, without so much as a month's notice--she found a great place on the west side of town (who knew she was even looking)--and hopes we are all excited for her. More stunned than excited and a little put off at the lack of notice, but, to be quite honest, it's good to have my house back to myself.

In the same vein, being away made me realize I need to start living under the budget of my main salary at the fire department. Having two jobs is great and enables me to spend without worrying (as did having a housemate's income), but I don't want to work so hard forever. Besides, I think I want to go back to school, and I definitely can't keep two jobs and go to school.

I have begun budgeting. I have made a two-year plan. I will try to budget enough to go back to school in two years.

I think I might also sell the house now. It's too big for me. RacerEx and I were talking on the phone this morning about the possibility of my buying a condo here in town. There are some nice ones still within my price range. So all I need to do is get the yard fixed up and put on a few base boards and then I can go. First, the yard.

Wish it would stop raining, for Pete's sake.

* * * *
My relationship with Rover has taken a new turn. Going away with him and then his getting the flu and staying here for four days while he was sick, changed things. He invited me to go with him to visit his parents tomorrow for Easter, the so-called meeting-the-parents date (I've already met them, but not in girlfriend capacity). We have firmed up our commitment and in talking with him while away and over the last few days, I realize I have come to trust him. We talked about my future goals and he has offered to help me financially should I need help. I told him no thanks, but I do appreciate his offer and recognize its significance .

So now I have begun to look at our relationship in a different way. As HeadShrinker put it, the chase is over and now that I have him what do I want to do with him? I think about how complicated our relationship has been and about how many different paths it has taken. I think about the difficulties and my doubts and the past hurts. I think about RacerEx and the concept of "love of my life," and, as PB pointed out, being the love of one's life are big shoes to fill and come with huge expectations. Perhaps unrealistic ones.

Rover is not the "love of my life" as I experienced it with RacerEx, but what he and have have is becoming something rather solid. In more ways than I thought, we are bound together. Our communication is improved and I believe it is even better than anything I had with RacerEx, because I am so much clearer. Perhaps it's just that I am older? I think it is because I have done so much work. RacerEx remains blocked.

* * * *
I have begun tapering off of the Celexa. I was taking 1-1/2 pills per day. I have reduced it to 1 pill per day and will continue that way for a month. If all is well, I will reduce to 3/4 per day for a month, etc. If I start getting weird again, I'll re-up my dose.

I'm feeling strong. It might be the drugs, but I don't know. I'd like to try to maintain on my own. If I can't, well, I can't, but it would be nice to try.

Anyhow, it's 11:30 and I haven't showered yet. I'm home with a cold and cough today, same as yesterday. Much better today, but I'll take it easy.

Rover wants to go to mass tonight. I told him I'd go with him. Funny thing is, he's the catholic, but I think I get more out of church and scripture than he does. I think I take it more seriously. Certainly we think of prayer differently. But that's a topic for another day.

See ya.

Gone But Not Forgotten

2006-04-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

I'm home again. Life resumes.

Had a really nice time in Italy. All legs of it were very nice, the worst being possibly the week with Roomy who has a propensity for sulking. Ah well, she was okay for most of the trip.

Rover and I only had one argument for the entire 10 days we were together. Pretty damn good if you ask me.

Rome was fantastic. Positano was stunning. Florence should move the Duomo to Rome and then throw itself into its disgusting greasy green river and flush itself off to sea. Lucca was charming. Sorrento a joy.

Three weeks is too long to be gone, tho. Will have to limit trips to 16 or so days next time.

I have a little jet lag. Rover has taken over my bed with a 103-degree fever. I am playing nursemaid but am fearful I will contract his bug. Yech. He's got the sweats and everything. Poor guy. He's awfully sweet tho and has been smitten since our trip began.

More to report later. I have to get up and go to work tomorrow, so I have to go. Nice to be back.

Ciao!

Ciao!

2006-03-20T22:44:00.000-08:00

And I'm off to Italy. Thanks for all your well wishes.

I'll write after April 10th. Take care.

Nada

2006-03-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

Just haven't had too much to say lately.

I leave for Italy on Tuesday. I'll be gone for three weeks, and I doubt I'll be posting. I'm pretty excited. Weather's not looking too hot. Same as here--rainy and cold. But cooler weather is better for walking and exploring, so I'm okay with it. I'd prefer to skip the rain, but there's nothing I can do to control the weather.

Rover and I are doing fine. Whatever.

My birthday is tomorrow. 40. Now I'm officially old. I feel/look good, tho, so I guess that's all I can ask for.

Anyhow, just wanted to check in. See 'ya.

Always A Surprise

2006-03-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

So after my lovely night by myself, I had a talk with Rover in the morning, or rather, he detected my distance and asked what the matter was. I told him quite simply I was tired of once again hearing about how his seeing me distracts him from and prevents him from accomplishing his life's tasks and goals. I told him I would not put up with it, and that my response would be to step back and withdraw. I told him how surprised I'd been how after our confrontation and his apology on this very issue late last week he would again make reference to my supposed interference in his life.

We left the conversation there because he was on his way to a meeting.

Several hours later he called me back to tell me this:

He once again was sorry for making me feel that I was in his way. He said he does not feel that way and that he does not want me to feel that way either. He admitted that he is spastic with his time and feels disorganized, and is sorry if he made me feel pressured by his sense of what amounts to panic about his own, self-imposed time constraints. He told me that he doesn't want to make me withdraw and that he wants to include me in his life, that he intends to include me in his life and that his plans for me are long term, not short term. He told me he would try harder and that he loves me and needs me and doesn't want to alienate me.

Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

So I continue to give him "another chance," but remain skeptical, as always. Trusting him is still an issue for me. So I will continue to stand back a bit and watch. Because, as we all know, actions speak louder than words. And how I act, react, is just as important as how he acts. I don't know what my "plans" are for him. Right now, I don't have any, so. I'll just watch and wait until....

Finding Pleasure in No

2006-03-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

Rover called me this morning. I worked all weekend, so we didn't see one another. He told me he misses me and asked what I was doing tonight. I told him I didn't have any plans, so he invited me over...

... The catch was he'd scheduled an after-work meeting with a client and didn't know how late the meeting would go. I offered to drive down and be at his place at 9:00, thinking that would give him plenty of time. But he said he didn't think he'd be home by 9:00, perhaps closer to 10:00, maybe even later. He'd try to keep the meeting short, but he couldn't guarantee it. He told me he'd leave me a key and that I could let myself in whenever I got there. He dangled the opportunity for me to sleep in a little later tomorrow before I had to get up for work. I agreed and told him I'd come down and perhaps take the opportunity to go through his closet to help find potential items for him to bring to Italy if that was okay with him. He consented.

But then I got to thinking.

I don't sleep well at his house. His house is cold and messy. There is no internet access there. I don't particularly enjoy his house in any way, on any level. So why was I going to hang around there without him, only to have him come home late so we could possibly have sex and sleep fitfully together? What was in it for me?

Nothing I could think of.

So I told called him back this afternoon and told him I'd thought about his offer, but was going to say no thanks, that I'd rather stay home in my snuggly warm house and catch up on my Tivo.

Another first for me. I've never told him no thanks before.

I honestly would rather get up at 5:15 a.m. after a good night's sleep and a nice meal than sit around a dirty house waiting for him to show up. I told him in my message that I'd rather hang out with him when he had time to spend.

There are no other opportunities to see him this week. He is working the days I am not and has committed one day to go see his son the only other day we have off together. Guess I don't fit in. Oh well.

When we talked this morning, he told me he was just going to "let go" of all the projects he has to complete and stop stressing about them until he gets back from Italy. I told him it was a good plan. Then I pointed out that there had been days he'd had the opportunity to work on his place but had chosen not to. He said that was because he'd been with me. I gently reminded him of the days he had not spent with me but had chosen to goof off instead of working. I wish I had thought to say, "Well, I guess when we come back we know what's going to have to be sacrificed" (time with me).

I am ready for it.

I will find something else to do. I am working on it already.

Gotta go now. See ya!

Sticking To My Guns

2006-03-05T18:36:00.000-08:00

So I was really angry at Rover the other day, and I didn't talk to him all day. Didn't answer my phone until after he'd called four or five times. He asked how I was and I gave him a short "fine." He said, "Are you better than you were this morning?" And I answered, "No, no really."

He said, "Well, I probably shouldn't come over tonight then."

"No. Probably not." I answered curtly. He let out a surprised breath. And then I said good bye.

He called me later that night, at about 7:00, and asked me why I was so angry. I told him I felt he made me feel like I was wasting his time. He said, "I know how you feel, but what did I do wrong?"

So I let him have it. I told him he'd been rude to me over the phone, that he'd made me feel as if it was unreasonable to expect him to give me a time to meet him, etc. I basically told him I was sick of being made to feel that I was taking up his time, that I was interfering with his getting his important tasks done, that I was tired of accommodating his schedule all of the time with little consideration for my own. He got mad at me, but I told him I didn't have time to argue with him, that I'd made plans with a girlfriend (which I had).

Anyhow. He called back later, while I was in the theater with my friend, and told me he was driving up to my town and would be in a certain bar and that he'd be waiting for me there.

When I arrived around 10:00 p.m., (after my friend had gone home to her kids, and not a moment before she and I were truly done with our evening), he was still there waiting for me. I sat down next to him and ordered a drink. He turned to me and said, "I want to say something to you." Then he apologized for his attitude and told me he would work harder at not making feel the way he did. It was a good apology, and I forgave him.

But things are a little different now.

Remaining in my heart is the knowledge that we are going nowhere together, that there will be no sense of community, that we will never truly be involved in one another's lives.

So I will do my best to enjoy myself and continue to work on moving forward emotionally and on defining what I am truly looking for in a relationship. I will make the best use of my time with him, as TheFuture suggested.

Gone are my illusions.

I think that is a good thing.

I Am So Angry

2006-03-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

Pissed to the nth degree!

Taking Up Time

2006-03-02T13:07:00.000-08:00

My work associate (who I shall call TheFuture, because I love her and she is young and holds so much promise) and I were talking about Rover and his parents yesterday. I have met them, but they do not know Rover and I are dating. They do not know he is going to Italy with me. They think we are just friends. I guess. Who knows what they think.

TheFuture pointed out to me that it really wasn't very important that they know about me because Rover and I are not getting married or anything.

And as I lay there in his bed last night, already angry about his making me feel that I am taking up his time and that being with me is just another time commitment which stresses him out, I realized that TheFuture had a very good point. Rover and I are not getting married nor are we ever going to live together. There is no need for me to get to know or get involved with his family or even his friends, for that matter. What we have is what it is. That he feels time pressure in meeting up with and hanging out with me arises from the state of perpetual dating. Were we to live together or to be married, or if I even had a key to his place, he would not have to rush home to meet me at a predetermined time nor would I care if he were home at any particular time because I wouldn't have to wait out in front of his house in my car until he arrived.

And I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to wait in my car. His inability to effectively manage his time should not mean that my time is less important. It is not.

So I left his house mad this morning. He wanted to know what was bothering me and I told him I was not ready to talk about it yet, that the feelings hadn't fully formulated in my head yet and that I couldn't articulate what I was feeling. Besides, I told him, I didn't want him to get mad. He pushed me, making me talk to him. But there was no time to talk to him. Fifteen minutes before I had to leave is not enough time. But I told him anyway.

And he erupted.

But I didn't not fall victim to him. He tried to twist my words around and put them back on me. I did not let him. His tactics failed. When I finally told him that I felt I should add to his life and not take away from it, he told me that last night had taken away from his life and that he considered it a waste. I got up from the bed and got dressed, telling him that was a shitty thing to say and then added that I hadn't enjoyed myself either to be quite honest.

It is ridiculous that I constantly have to worry that time spent with me is taking up too much of his time. If he chooses not to included me in his life, I cannot be held responsible for his taking time outside of it to be with me. If he is too busy to take the time, then he should just stop it and do something more constructive with his time. God knows, I'll do the same.

So I have been pissed all morning, but not in a disabled sort of way.

TheFuture is a good sounding board. She gives me so much to think about. And she's usually right. When I told her this morning my thoughts on his parents, she agreed and then said, "Well, are you involved with him or are you involved with him and his life?" And I said, "I'm not involved with his life, just him." And she said, "Well, then you're lucky you're not burdened with the obligations that come with his family." And then we laughed as she said, "Lips is taking care of that."

So that's that. I'm fine.

Geek

2006-02-22T22:13:00.000-08:00

Still running around like a mad man.

I have a THIRD job now.

I know. I'm insane.

But I'm making hay while the sun shines, you know. Besides, the new job is rather interesting, in an area of business I know nothing about: real estate investment.

I don't feel too stressed, but I don't really have much time for the common stuff in life--like paying the bills and making my bed and cleaning the bathroom. But I've just started squeezing more out of myself, cleaning a little bit in the few minutes I have at home. Doing shorter workouts at the gym.

And I still get a goodly amount of sleep. Very important.

Wish I had more of interest to report to y'all. Life is still good. Last weekend with Rover was amazing. We still have those amazing times. Italy is taking shape. Today I'm out as a lieutenant, so I'm making extra money today. Pulled in one and a half overtime shifts this week, too, so there's more extra money. Funny how when I put it out there that I need the money, it comes. Always has. Guess I'm just a worker bee.

Nite now.

15 Minutes

2006-02-19T14:11:00.000-08:00

Today is my first day at home in a week at so. For the most part, all I get here is 15 minutes at a time while rushing from place to place. I can't remeber a time in my life when I've been so busy, had so much planned so tightly together.

Went to a fire on Friday night which kind of thew a wrench in the cogs of my time. We were up until 3:30 a.m., which meant not getting to sleep until after 4:00. Instead of coming home and going about my day as I had planned, I went over to Rover's house and we crashed from 9:00 a.m. until 1:00. A waste of a morning, but necessary in order to be ready for the evening.

Things are still going well with me. Had an appointment at the HeadShrinker's the other day. It was a good session. I'm glad I let two weeks lapse in between.

Anyhow, I've got YellowDog today and must take her out for her constitutional. I love YellowDog. Wish I had more time for her.

Hope y'all are well out there in BlogLand.

Frenzy

2006-02-13T21:54:00.000-08:00

Now that I've gotten into researching and booking this Italy trip, I can't stop. At a hurried, frenzied pace, I am looking, booking, etc.

Wahooooooo!!!! I'm going to Italy in 5 weeks!

Something Within

2006-02-12T19:44:00.000-08:00

I keep having bad dreams. It started with the hair extension dream about two weeks ago, and now it seems that almost every night I'm yelling at, combatting, or confronting someone. Last night I added the element of frustrating myself by continually failing to get off an elevator at the proper floor and then having to get off at the top floor and leave the building entirely in order to get back onto the elevator.

Something inside of me is not right. I mean, I am angry or frustrated or unhappy and it is manifesting in my dreams.

The only positive part of having these bad dreams is that I am standing up for myself and taking control. Defending myself or my mom, as the case was last night, with vigor.

Unfortunately, the emotion that exists in my dreams carries over into my waking life. When I wake up I feel sad and drained.

* * * *
Speaking of sleeping. I had a bad day yesterday in that I was muddle-headed all day long. Groggy, if you will. Don't know what was up with me, but I had a difficult time getting my brain to function properly. Not only did I have extreme difficulting getting out of bed in the morning, I also got completely dressed several times to find the right outfit for work downtown after my fireshift only to remember that the following day was Sunday and that I was not due to work at the office. I've never done that before. Then, throughout the day, I couldn't remember the last name of the fellow I was working with, someone I've known for years, and someone whose name I had said outloud that same morning.

Not good.

I took a three-hour nap this afternoon and had an equally difficult time pulling myself out of sleep.

Am I sick with a cold or virus? Am I just exhausted from working/going out so much? Is it the Celexa reeking havoc on my brain? I don't know.

I trimmed my Celexa dose down by 1/2 a pill and will continue at that level for a while. Meanwhile, I try going to bed early and consistently. I'm working pretty much every day for the next two weeks with only two days off out of the 14, but I have two in a row, so that should be okay.

I'm working a day of overtime at the firehouse right now. It'll be good to have the extra money for my taxes. I'm afraid of what I might owe since I've been working as a subcontractor with no taxes taken out to the tune of $14,000. Yikes. This year, I have to start making estimated tax payments. Think I'll go to a tax accountant this time instead of doing it myself. He can help with legitmate write-offs.

Okay, this entry is a little dull. It's almost 8:00. Think I'll go up and read and/or go to sleep. We've had no calls today. Booooring.

Nite.

A Long Way

2006-02-10T22:22:00.000-08:00

I do think it's better to open one's mouth and say what's on one's mind.

I was feeling kind of crummy about the prospect of Rover's seeing other people. When he called me the other night, he detected in my voice that something was wrong and he called me on it. I finally admitted that it's difficult for me to wait around for him to pull the rug out from underneath me. I told him that I realized I'd accepted his terms (that he would probably sleep with someone else by the end of this year) and that by doing so I had little room to complain but that it bothered me all the same and was getting me down.

He was very reassuring. He promised me that he was not looking for anyone else, that he was very happy with me and that he was not going to be sleeping with anyone. He said that I shouldn't worry, that he didn't want thing to be all messed up the way they've been over the last several years and that I should relax. He told me that we're going to be okay.

So I feel better. And I would like to fool around with him and other people. He expressed that if he were to sleep with another woman, he'd like to do so with me, that he would like to make it happen. I've agreed that I will do that with him. I'd like to. Besides, we've had two separate encounters with BlueEyes and they've both been fantastic. I think what differentiates Rover from RacerEx and DodgerEx is that, while he finds the idea of threesomes exciting, he isn't distracted by the need to do it and isn't actively seeking it out or pushing for it.

He's more the "if the moment strikes and is right" kind of person--as is the way it happened with BlueEyes. We derive a lot of pleasure just from contemplating it, from keeping it just between the two of us. The fantasy alone and the freedom to discuss it out loud has thus far been outlet enough.

Also, it's nice just to go out, like we did last night, see some hot girl and sit together, head to head, and whisper to one another about how amazing she looks and talk about what we'd like to see the other do to her. That conversation alone is erotic, stimulating and satisfying. It's downright fun.

So I'm reassured and feeling pervy again.

Yay me.

Wow

2006-02-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

Sapphire: it's amazing to think that I could help anyone think more clearly about themselves....

What you said makes perfect sense, but in regards to being 100% committed to Rover, I don't really want to be. It's too risky emotionally. I agree with the whole meditative resolve concept. I think one can project one's circumstances so that one's situation becomes what one envisions. But with Rover, I'm afraid to give into bliss. Knowing what I know about him; believing what he has told me about himself, his past, his desires (about who he is); and trusting my intuition, being 100% committed to him is nothing short of foolish.

And I can't even speak to the concept of "nurturing a good relationship" with Rover. I can't honestly say that we have a "good relationship." We get along well, most of the time, but we don't have a lot in common. I don't know if we're particularly good for one another. I don't know what we have. I care for him, care about him, love him even. He makes me laugh, etc. But we kind of just exist together. And I don't know if I really want anything to be different. Emotionally, it's kind of all I'm up for right now.

And his lack of commitment to monogamy really doesn't fit with who I am. I hate having to wonder about what he's doing when he's not with me. I've never been with anyone I don't "trust." But it's not even a trust issue, because he has given me fair warning and I have accepted the terms. But I don't like waiting for the announcement that he has met someone. It's a little unsettling.

But, in some ways, you are right. Perhaps nurturing this relationship in a consistently positive way will transform it into something it is not. Perhaps doing so will give it forward motion, will help it progress. After all, relationships are fluid.

PB&J

2006-02-06T18:49:00.000-08:00

Actually, I'm having almond butter and strawberry fruit spread for dinner. Damn, if it isn't a good thing to eat sometimes! My bachelor's special.

Things are better between RacerEx and me again. I told him to try to let it go. He said he would. It's important to know when and how to stand down sometimes. After all, there really isn't an issue.

But I guess it's just too difficult to be friends right now. Too charged. Someday.

* * * *
Things with SuperBoyfriend (a.k.a. Rover) are still fine, crusing along. We enjoy our time together. I accept that our relationship has little forward motion. It is what it is and I enjoy it. I am not looking for anything else right now. I am content.

We've bickered some lately, but somehow he has lost some of his power. We got into a pissing match about his phone ringing late and he said, "Do you want to just forget it? Do you?" (meaning us, I guess).

Instead of crying or pleading or saying no, I just quietly said, "Whatever you want to do, Rover." He was quiet and finally said, I just want to go to sleep.

He got mad at me another time about my telling him he needs to learn how to start billing his clients (so far, pretty much everything he has done has been pro bono--nice, but it doesn't pay the rent). He got all pissy with me, so I just shut up, finishing with "Rover, I couldn't care less whether you make a dime from your law practice or not. Let's just drop it." He was silent for a while and then finally admitted it had been bothering him lately that he doesn't make any money doing what he's doing.

So, the balance is shifting, or at least it's leveling out. That's a good thing. A necessary thing.

Anyhow, gotta go. Blogger's gonna have an outage in two minutes.

Nite.

Assessment

2006-02-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

In thinking about PB's last comment on loves of one's life....

All I know is that, thus far, RacerEx is the only person I can say I have truly loved. He is the only person to whom, at least for a time, I was truly committed. I accepted him. I used to describe it as having both feet in the circle. I did. All I knew, all I know, is that I finally understood what it meant when I was told, "when you find him, you'll know" I knew. That's all that mattered.

So he was the love of my life, is the love of my life so far. I am not ashamed of it. I am glad to have had that experience. It was amazing. Perhaps in the future I will find another love of my life. Who knows. But of all the love I've had, that one was the most complete for me.

Love of My Life

2006-02-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

Here's some of our email exchange (RacerEx and Me)

RacerEx: hate to rain on your happiness parade, but it would have been nice if you would have been as loyal to me as you areto him, and don't kid yourself to think it was as simple as I didn't want you like he does.

I wrote him some long emails, but then sent him one this morning:

Me: One questionI have one question for you: Am I the love of YOUR life? Please answer. Don't ignore this email and not reply. It's a very important question. For both of us.

RacerEx: Not a simple answer. I feel so angry and screwed up. I don't have a love of my life, and I feel so detached from everyone and everything, that I don't even think it is possible. Yesterday was awful [working with you]. Much worse than I thought it would be. Thank god [Rover] wasn't there. Bad enough watching you flirt with [Mickey] and listening to his comments. [By the way, I wasn't flirting with Mickey.] So that will definitely be my last detail to [your station]. So like I said I am too angry to really talk about this. I did have agood time, but it sure ended on a sour note.

So here's how I left it.

Me: I am sorry you are angry and fucked up. I want you to be happy. Truly I do.

But I think it is important that both of us know and understand that I am not the love of your life. As I told you when I left the other night, you ARE the love of my life, and it is sad for me to know it is not mutual.

Meeting that girl Julie coming out of your house last summer was a slap in the face but also a wake-up call and it enabled me to begin to let go.

At that moment, I truly understood I was not the love of your life, that you didn't want me anymore. I knew it last January when you told me you didn't want to come home. I knew it when you made it clear in your hallway that you did not want to try again, to patch things up and to work on getting back to a better place. I knew it long ago when you didn't want me to break up with [Rover], when you told me you didn't want monogamy with me. I knew it, but I couldn't accept it.

But now I have come to accept that I am not the love of your life. To get over it, I have done a lot of work over the last year and a half. I have been through hell coming to terms with the loss of you. I suffered true depression and wanted to kill myself, and I am not being dramatic. But I am much, much better. I am well. Content with my life right now. Celexa is probably the main reason why, but I also spent time alone, time in therapy, etc. I may wallow in pity, but I do try to confront my problems and fix them--like I did in going to that sexual surrogate. I don't want to be broken in any way, emotionally, sexually, etc.

Knowing I am not the love of your life should be a positive realization for you, one that should release you from your anger towards me and help you move on. It's okay that I am not the love of your life. You don't have to patch things up with me. What we have is special. We are still bonded. We get along great and we still share a perv factor.

Who knows. Maybe someday we can both be in the same place emotionally and sexually and get together again for a threesome or just the two of us. But now is not the time. For me, for you. You need to do some work. You need to find an end to your confusion. And you will if you do something to find out what's going on with you.

So stop being angry at me. Really.

I think you are capable of finding love. I know you are. You did love me, were in love with me. Don't forget that fact. Love is rare, but we found each other. But I guess our time passed. Or it changed. Perhaps we will have a time again. I don't know. Who ever knows? We fucked it up. All we can do the next time is endeavor not to repeat the same mistakes.

I really, really think you should seek out some counseling or at least consider Celexa, even if it means temporary impotence (at least you have Cialis). You are very angry--have been for a long time now--and yet you seem fine on the outside. You have been emotionally detached for so long now. Don't you want to move past that? There's so much more. You don't have to be detached. It will be good to exercise your anger and release it.

Why not start now and be done with it?

I know you're mad at me, and perhaps we can't see each other until you're ready. Perhaps we can't ever see each other again. That's up to you, and whatever you decide is fine. But I do love you still and I am here for you if you need someone.

Okay?

So that's that. I feel how I feel. I'm not stressed, traumatized, drama-ridden, blah, blah, blah. I'm in a bit of a funk. Don't know if that's RacerEx or PMS. I'll chock it up to a little of both.

I am sorry I'm not the love of his life. But it's better I know than pine away waiting for something that exists for me alone. As I said the other post, Rover and I may not be "the ones" for one another; but it's working for now and I'm not stressed out.

So, yeah, that's that.

Choices

2006-02-01T15:18:00.000-08:00

So I went to the movies with RacerEx yesterday. Saw Matador. Great movie.

Then we went and had a drink. He drank a lot.

I told him I was dating someone. Told him it was Rover. He said he'd seen us driving together, that it was still difficult for him. He told me he's seeing someone occasionally, that he doesn't want to get serious with anyone. We got to flirting, and before I knew it, I kissed him. And then I kissed him again passionately. He kissed me back.

But then he wanted to go back to his place and have sex, and when I told him I didn't want to, that
I don't want to mess things up with Rover right now, he got upset. I felt bad, but I explained to him that I was finally in a good space emotionally and that I didn't want to make my life complicated by starting up the triangle again. He more or less pushed me out the door.

As I was leaving, I said something about "What do you want?"

He said, "Don't you know??!"

I said I didn't and insisted that he tell me.

He told me he was wanted the love of his life. I told him that he had been and still was the love of my life. He said something about still being all fucked up. I told him I was here if he was ever ready. He put his hand on the small of my back and pushed me toward the door.

He sent me a not-so-nice message this morning via email. And now it turns out I'm working with him today. I responded to his email and I know he checked it this morning here at work, but we haven't talked about anything.

I shouldn't have kissed him. I'm sorry that I did. I still love him and like him and find him attractive, but I shouldn't have kissed him. No.
* * *
It's weird. I always thought I would choose RacerEx over Rover. But I didn't. Because I'm happy right now and I don't want to muck up my life again by making it complicated and by feeling torn over what to do and by juggling two people again. I can't do it. Maybe Rover can, maybe he only could because Lips didn't know what he was doing. All I know is I cannot do it successfully, without feeling guilty, without walking on eggshells all the time not to hurt one person's feelings. Because what would I do? How does one do it?

It doesn't matter. What matters is I don't want to complicate my life and mess it up again now that I'm finally stable and happy. It doesn't matter if Rover and I aren't "the ones" for one another. What matters to me now is my life is working and I'm good. I have plans for the upcoming future and I'm not going to give up my happiness to be with RacerEx again when he doesn't want to get serious with anyone, when he's still "fucked up" and has made no effort to get un fucked up.

So that's the choice I made. It surprised me, but it was clear and easy. Still is. Don't know if it was ultimately the "right" choice, but for now, it's good for my mental health.

Back in the Saddle

2006-01-28T06:08:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling high again.

Came home from work the other morning and Roomy had put the attached postcard on my desk. She was talkin' about me.... Thanks Roomy.

Anywho. Took myself out last night and had a jolly time. It's good not to be desperate. I went to one of our local bars. Fortunately, the owner was there; he's great, and always comps my drinks. Don't know why. Knowing the owner is a good thing because he introduced me to the fellow on my right and we struck up a conversation. I was joined on my left by a dairy farmer, who was also quite nice. We talked cows. I learned a little. Dairy man left and finally so did the guy on my right. After a few minutes, in walks an elderly man wearing a tattered leather coat (his cat got after it). The owner, knowing I'm a firefighter, introduced me to this man: our ex Chief's brother. Well, we got to talkin' and we had a hoot. Finally, this drunken old soul went home to his wife.

I stayed a bit longer on my own, drinking a couple of glasses of water before hitting the road. Then I came home, fixed myself some dinner and went to bed.

I had a great night.

Once again, I recognize that I can feel great on my own, without a man, in the company of strangers. I like it.

Oooh, I gotta get to work. Bye!

Elation Deflation and Balance of Power

2006-01-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

Shouldn't have gone to the Head Shrinker the other day. Not that it bummed me out or anything, but going there and analyzing stuff did take me down off my high. Oh well, guess every day can't be stellar.

* * *
I finally won an argument with Rover last night. It wasn't over anything big, but the victory to me was symbolic.

See, he's been after me to grow my hair out. You should know that my hair has been very short for the last four years. Until I finally had the courage to cut it off, my hair had always been my nemesis. It's stringy and doesn't hold its wave. My head is kind of little, and pulling it back makes me feel ugly.

On the contrary, the spiky, spunky hair I've sported over the last several years has made me feel sexy and fun and self-confident--even beautiful at times. So I've liked it short. It's a bit boyish. Some might say dykey, but I don't care.

And neither did Rover. At least, not until he and I started getting more serious. Anyhow, to make a short story long, he wants me to have long hair, says he likes it better that way, that I look better with long hair--much to the disagreement of all of my girlfriends, my hair dresser, RacerEx, etc.

In an effort to be accommodating and flexible (no skin off my teeth, right?), I told him I would grow it out. So that's what I've been doing for many, many months now. Unfortunately, the longer it got, the uglier I began to feel. The uglier I began to feel, the more self-conscious I became. I even took to checking it in the mirror repeatedly just to make sure it looked okay, but it rarely did. Constant checking is just silly behavior.

No matter how much I teased, diffused, gelled, sprayed, fluffed, straightened, brushed, and styled my hair, by the end of the day I always ended up looking like Shawn Cassidy, circa 1970-something.

Enough was enough.

I proposed to Rover that if he would agree to let me cut my hair back off to the cut I like I would purchase sexy wigs which I would wear for him, indoors and out, at his (reasonable) request.

He accepted.

But last night at his house (after my first transitional cut), he grabbed the hair at the back of my head and said, "I'm gonna spank you."

"What for?" I said playfully.

"For cutting off your hair," he returned. I reminded him firmly that my hair was going to get shorter, that I have another appointment in two weeks. "You look so much better with long hair," he continued.

I told him that I had to like the way I looked. And that I like the way I look with short hair. I told him that my self-confidence was more important than his desire for me to have long hair. I emphasized that his continually telling me he liked me better looking some other way only made me feel he didn't like the way I look and that his continued complaints about my hair were making me feel unattractive.

Instead of apologizing, or at least just shutting up, he wouldn't let it go and continued harrassing me. So I clammed up and turned away.

He finally turned to me and made an attempt to appease my silence. He didn't tell me he supported my decision or opinion but continued sweetly about how much he likes my hair long. Jeezus Fucking Christ!

So I let him have it. I told him that I was not Lips (who had grown her hair very long over the that they were together). He said he knew that and countered that he was not RacerEx, either. I told him I knew he was not but that I was not trying to turn him into RacerEx. I continued that I didn't hold a job like Lips, one where I could do up my nails and spend two hours blowing my hair to look perfect because I didn't get it dirty or messy throughout the course of the day.

Finally, I told him to stop criticizing me, that I didn't like it.

But he wouldn't let up.

After some silence, I pulled out something I'd been thinking all along but, out of politeness and fair fighting, had refrained from saying: "You know what? I'm sure you looked better with hair too, but it is the way it is." (He's going bald quickly.)

Well, he didn't like that comment too much, told me what a bitch I was, said that I was fucked up, and turned away from me in a huff. I simply said it was he who was fucked up.

I wasn't really upset. I just wanted to make my point. Tact, logic, and an appeal for sympathy hadn't worked, so what the hell? I don't care that he's going bald. I've never known him with a full head of hair, or at least I don't remember it; and I'm the girl who coined the phrase, "Hair is overrated" so you can imagine how much I care if he, or any man, has hair.

Regardless, I wasn't going to shrink away and roll over just because he wants to put me down, push my needs aside for what he wants.

We laid there in silence for a while until he finally rolled over and grabbed the back of my hair again and pulled my face to his and, after kissing me deeply, said, "That was a cheap shot and I'm going to fuck you until you're sore for saying it."

So I knew I had won. And we had sex. A couple of times during sex he mentioned his desire to see me in new sexy wigs. I told him to shut up, just shut up.

And this morning he joked about his baldness. I told him to shut up.

We kissed goodbye happily and I drove off.

* * *

All right, off to the gym with me.

You Can Always Succeed at Quitting

2006-01-24T18:04:00.000-08:00

...that's just another of my favorite sayings.

HDTV Eyes

2006-01-24T17:40:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those days where you see the world very clearly? Yesterday was one of those days. I don't know if it was the quality of sunlight or if it was that the buildings were clean because of the recent storms or if it was better than usual visibility or if my senses were just somehow more acute, but fuck if yesterday wasn't one of the most beautiful days in my memory. I swear it was as if I could see every leaf, every blade of grass, every lamp post, every store front, the small islands way off the coast and all of their small outcroppings of rock, etc. Glorious, glorious day.

I've been in such a good mood lately. Tremendous mood. It's almost as if all the pieces are finally in place. I went to the head shrinker today for the first time since before my trip. We talked about whether or not I should continue. I told her I felt content right now, but that I'd like to explore further some other issues, namely my desire to make some long-term goals for myself, to find an interest or passion and develop it, and to feel more comfortable with my brain power in general as well as my place here on earth as an individual.

We explored how happy I was while I was away on my trip. And I was. The overwhelming feeling on that trip was that I felt good and that I did not miss Rover, that my happiness and moods were independent of him (or at least thrived in his absense), and that I was capable of feeling really good ON MY OWN!!!

That happiness has carried over to my life here at home and I long to nuture it. However, I don't want it to be dependent on another person, namely Rover. I want to generate my own happiness, to live a cheerier existence and not look for the proverbial shoe to drop to dash it all away.

Therapy today was a little upsetting, and I don't want to be upset. I know it might take tears to do some of the hard work, but I really do want to enjoy the happiness I am feeling without analyzing my entire existence to pieces. Perhaps I should just take a therapy sabbatical, give myself a chance to enjoy how I am feeling without pushing for the "what's next" or "now what" uneasiness I so often feel with my life.

I am happy.
I am busy.
I am content.
I am in love.
I feel productive.
I have events to look forward to.
I am being proactive with my social life.
I am not ruminating and overanalyzing everything.
I am drinking much, much less, much less often.
I am exercising.
I have friends.
I am eating better, well even.
I am sleeping at night.
I have energy.
I am interested in my life.

What more do I want right now? Not much. I think I'll go to one more session and talk about taking a break and perhaps scheduling a session for after my return from Italy.

* * * *
By the way, I bought tickets to see both David Sedaris, who I think is hysterical and to see Terry Gross, who a personal hero of mine. I wish I could interview Terry Gross. I should write up a question or two to ask, in case they ask for questions from the audience. I LOVE her.

All right, that's it now. Better go start a load of laundry.

* * * *
Oh yeah, my house is mess. Not really, but it's not as clean as I like it to be. In so saying, I think of you O.K. who once posted about the state of your house and how you don't clean neurotically anymore for the company who never comes. Guess what? Neither do I. Hee, hee. I do want a maid, tho....

Up to My Ass in Aphorisms

2006-01-23T14:36:00.000-08:00

Having been brought up by a woman who spoke in aphorisms, I can't seem to get away from them myself. My vocabulary, limited as it may be, is flush with aphorisms. I've even coined many of my own. Here's a sampling of my favorites:

* A little vanity goes a long way (and it does, especially sunscreen)
* Hair is overrated (said mostly to balding or bald men)
* That's just something that's made to break (said in reference to silly accessories on appliances, etc.)
* Output must exceed intake (said to people constantly on fad diets who think they've discovered the only way to lose weight)
* I'm sorry, I was ignoring you (said when someone is talking to me and I'm not listening)
* Do you know how much time in life I've wasted being early?!

There are more, but I can't think of them right now. Some of RacerEx's which I like are:

* A cheap tool is no bargain (very true)
* I like a woman who achieves her beauty through loads and loads of make-up (said in jest)
* I have three words for you: conditioner

And so on. Care to contribute any of your own?

All Creatures Great and Small

2006-01-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

It seems to me that men are indeed simple creatures. I'm not being pejorative, either. I envy their simplicity. I often joke about how women need fluffy beds, soft covers and pillows while men are content to sleep in a hole in the ground. Not that they're not happy in a comfy bed, but it's truly just not a requirement. Of course, there are always exceptions....

* * * *

I used to use sex as means to lure my men in. The promise that I will do anything seems a tantalizing carrot. The idea that they are allowed to do anything their imaginations desire, even if they never get around to doing it, seems irresistible.

When RacerEx and I were splitting up, he told me that things hadn't panned out sexually the way he had envisioned. He thought we would do more swinging, said he felt he needed it, and was disappointed when I did not show more enthusiasm/interest in something I had initially put before him as something in which I was willing to participate.

Unfortunately for him/us, my willingness to explore that avenue was limited by my ultimate dissatisfaction with it. I guess I'm just not a sex for sex's sake kind of person. I find it boring and unfulfilling. It was like that with DodgerEx, too. Every time we swung I became disinterested in the middle of the sexual activity. Part of it, I'm sure, had something to do with the fact that I don't cum readily and the pressure I felt to fake it to please my audience. It just became a chore for me.

I think I still use sex as a lure. Right or wrong, it's just part of who I am, part of what I feel I have to offer a man that another woman may not. After all, I have met countless men (not surprising considering my profession) who are oppressed and dissatisfied sexually because their wives/girlfriends are either completely unreceptive to certain acts or do them only begrudgingly as a favor or out of duty. I'm not saying it's the wife's fault. Perhaps the fellows are bumbling buffoons in bed. Perhaps, and more likely, there is and has always been a communication problem. Who knows. All I know is men generally don't get to explore their fantasies with their wives/girlfriends and often stray when that potential carrot is dangled in front of them.

Don't get me wrong, my lure is not disingenuous. And I don't use is to steal someone away from their partner. But if I detect a mutual interest, I deftly make my position known. Indeed, I am willing to try anything at least once Of course, I do have certain limitations: no scat, no corpses, no cutting, and I'm really not good at role playing--although I will dress the part. But I haven't found those limitations to be a barrier in any way. I genuinely like it all. And I like pushing the limits.

* * *

There is a point to all this talk. And my point is Rover. I lured him in as I always do. My declarations that I would do anything with him have unleased in him a well-spring of ideas for exploration. In turn, my desire for him continues to be whetted and I find myself reaching for every new carrot he dangles before me. I have met my match.

* * *

I am content. Satisfied. Sated. For the first time. I feel whole.

The Wonder Years

2006-01-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

Of course, life with Mitch was in no way perfect.

As his best friend would later describe him, Mitch was a "crazy maker." He was also a bit of a slave driver. Definitely Type A.

My best example is probably the wood pile. Mitch never threw anything out--Depression Era mentality of sorts, I suppose. Over time, he collected scrap lumber--good, large pieces, to be sure--but collecting lumber means storing lumber, and, because the garage was already packed to the hilt with other things he had saved, that meant hiding the wood pile in some obtrusive place on the property.

Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with saving scrap lumber. I have a pile of it myself--a small pile with only good large, pieces and a couple of small ones--and it lives in my garage. What was so disconcerting about Mitch's wood pile was that regularly he would decide it needed to be moved to some other unobtrusive location. Again, not a big deal, right? But when one has moved the wood pile from one location back to the first location and then to a third location, then back to the second location and then back to the first location, etc., it gets to be a bit much.

Chores with Mitch were serious business. And I'm not talking taking out the trash (which NoName and I also did each week). Chores with Mitch were weekend projects. Weekends were not for relaxing, they were for working. And work we did.

When people ask me where I grew up, I joke that I grew up on a work camp. Actually, in retrospect, chores with Mitch are quite funny. When we used to whine and complain, he would say, "Some day you'll thank me for this!" And he was right. I am a good worker to this day, skilled in sundry manual labor tasks, able to wield both hand and power tools comfortably, not afraid of hard work or long hours.

I am indeed a product of my environment.

A Rose By Any Other Name Indeed

2006-01-20T20:14:00.000-08:00

A pseudonym will not do him justice.

* * *

After Dad left, Mom dated around for a while. Nice guys, I suppose. Kind of a fast, fun crowd tho. There were a couple of race car drivers, a married guy, and one who wrapped paper around a couple of his fingers and recited a cute poem about crows while he made the paper disappear and then reappear: "Fly away Peter, fly away Paul. Come back Peter, come back Paul."

Mitch wasn't like the others. When she finally brought him home to meet us, they'd already been out on a few dates. I remember padding down the stairs in my pyjamas as they walked through the door after their date. I was curious to meet this man she hadn't let us meet until then.

My first impression was, "My god he's old!" Mom is 30 years my senior. Mitch was 15 years hers. I guess that made him all of 50. But he was an old 50, I think.

His face was round and friendly. Unusual. He wore metal-rimmed glasses too large for his face. What little hair he had left was a browny-grey, combed over thinly across the top of his head.

I don't remember much about the meeting. I think he may have mentioned he owned a sail boat. The prospect of sailing excited me. I think not much later he and Mom went away for a weekend. When they returned he had bought for each of us a drawing tablet and a large, coiled lolly pop. My drawing pad had a hippo on the front of it and was round, shaped like the hippo's rump. The lollypop was twisted white and purple. With those gifts, I was smitten.

What I do remember distinctly is that many years later, when they'd be fighting, arguing, yelling over something, I'd sit in my room listening to the screaming, hoping that if they got a divorce that I could go live with him. He was every bit the father that Dad had never been. And more. He was lovely. Wonderful. I am proud to have had him as a part of my life. I am lucky.

Aside from leaving my father, dating, living with, and later marrying Mitch was the 2nd smart decision my mother made. For that, I give her much credit. We were all lucky to have him.

Condemned to Relive It?

2006-01-19T21:26:00.000-08:00

PB often reflects on the past. Funny that I used to spend so much time dwelling on my past, but have seemingly lost interest in it.

Now I contemplate the future. Although less so lately. I'm kind of content with the right now right now.

* * *

I didn't like my childhood. Still don't. That's part of the reason why I never wanted children and still have none (as my eggs grow old, it is probably too late). I wouldn't wish childhood on anyone. Not mine, anyway.

I was a product of rape, or so my mother once told me--even if she denies ever having said so now. My father raped her. More like forced her, I guess. She was planning on leaving him, unbeknownst to him, and didn't want any more children with him. He refused to raise an only child, having been a miserable one himself. So he forced her that night. And I was conceived.

Not that I wasn't loved. Actually, from the moment I arrived both my parents loved me more than they loved my brother, NoName, a very sad fact indeed. NoName was the object of my father's fury. My father himself had been abused by his step-father, and so, in keeping with tradition, he was impatient, short tempered and down-right abusive with NoName. It wasn't the beat-you-up kind of abuse, but it was physical--excessive spanking, haul-off-and-hit-you reprimand, screaming, etc.

Dad was/is an alcoholic. An angry drunk. The violent kind.

He and mom argued loudly from time to time. My most vivid memory before kindergarten is of an argument going on downstairs while I huddled, sobbing, in my brother's arms on his bed.

I sometimes question whether I liked NoName back then. In watching the old Super 8 movies Mom had converted to video tape, I look at him with a sense of... what is it? contempt? no, that's too strong a word... disdain? no, not really. I'm not sure what the word is. Dislike, I guess. I just know that even back then, at the age of 3, I didn't really like my brother. But that's another story.

Mom finally left Dad. I don't think I ever really missed him. He traveled a lot on business, so he hadn't really been home that much before he left. All I knew back then was that with him gone the house was finally quiet.

Mom has made many foolish and cowardly decisions in her life, but leaving Dad was one of her smartest. For that I give her credit.

So Far, So Good

2006-01-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

Ever since I decided I'd start working out again, I've been doing very well. Making the decision to work out at night if I didn't get to it in the morning (instead of just not working out at all) was the right one. Amazing how long it took me to figure it out.

Spent the "weekend" with Rover. We finished our "date" at the gym. We went together yesterday, too. Very good. Much better than the sitting around and drinking like we'd been doing before. He has much to do before we leave for Italy.

* * * *
So I'm still feeling very good. Relaxed. Not stressed about things with Rover. Funny how good my intuition is. It knows when things are right or wrong. He admitted to how fucked up things between us have been over the last year or so and how he really thinks we're going to have a good year, a good two years, a good three years. He's very optomistic. Somehow, I believe it. Each of us finally seems on the right track, both individually and as a team. It's nice.

I don't have much to say, really. Just want to memorialize the good stuff instead of bitching all the time. Perhaps now I can get back to some better writing. We'll see. Anyhow, I've got stuff to do.

Later.

Nothing's Wrong

2006-01-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

Everything's good. Really good.

I'm happy. For more than a week solid now, I've been happy.

Go figure.

He Who Hesitates

2006-01-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are sick of hearing/reading about it (ahem, I think I mean you, O.K.), skip this entry or you might just groan and roll your eyes... or worse yet, you might just vomit. At the least, you'll probably want to yell at me, or just give up reading about my pathetic life, but, for me and for those of you who are amused by my idiocy, continue.

* * * *

I'm a bit befuddled by Rover's latest behavior. He's being normal. Sweet. Enthusiastic. Unguarded. Inviting. Inclusive.

He made plans in advance for this coming Sunday. He wants to come over for Super Bowl Sunday and invite his friends.

He checked his calendar to schedule our next road trip and then noticed that I would be going to Italy very soon and so instead told me that he'd like to come with us, that he probably would. When I suggested he come the first part of the trip rather than the last part in consideration of the weather here and his ability to work at the River possibly hindered by early Spring rains, he did not get defensive, but told me what a good point I was making and that I was probably right.

What's going on? What's wrong? Hmmm.

The last two nights we spent together, when he woke up in the middle of the night to go pee, he took me in his arms and embraced me and told me how much he loves me and told me what a good time he was having with me.

He told me, to his own embarrassment, that he really wants my mother to like him. I told him she hadn't offered up her opinion to me. He told me he felt that was a bad sign. I did not tell him I've been telling her that I didn't think there was much of a future with him (and that is what I have believed to be the truth).

He told me we're going to have a great year, a fantastic year.

He told me I am the primary person in his life and that we are dating. He told me, more than once, that I can have him forever, that he knows he will want to be with me for always.

He talked about going to the River with me this summer--Lips' territory.

* * * *

What is going on?

I am befuddled. Hesitant to let myself believe.

* * * *

This talk/behavior started while I was gone. Was it that he missed me? I don't know. When I got back, I told him I thought things between us were going badly. He disagreed, but I insisted. Things were going badly for ME, if not for him. Did he not hear what I was saying? We talked for hours. He did not give up, listened, tried to understand, heard what I had to say. It was a good talk.

And then we had a great trip.

* * * *
What gives?

While the Worst Are Full of Passionate Intensity

2006-01-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

Funny thing keeps happening lately. Rover is being really great. Is this just the good cycle, soon to be followed by the ever-shitty? Hard to say. This time, he keeps making declarations of wanting to do things with me. This time, he has a list, a long list.

We'll see.

A Man, A Plan, A Wig

2006-01-08T07:13:00.000-08:00

So I'm driving with Rover down to L.A. to surprise Mom for her 70th birthday.

When I asked him to go, he asked if I didn't want to make a "weekend" out of it and stop and spend the night in Monterey. One condition: I wear my "school girl outfit" on the drive down.

Agreed.

But I have a better plan. I weaseled out of the dress-up drive, fixed my outfit a bit and have decided on the following:

After our day in Monterey, I will drop him in a bar and leave him there. I will go back to the hotel on my own, don my modified outfit: off-the-shoulder black sweater, mini-mini plaid skirt, fish net stockings or white over-the-knee stockings (I haven't yet decided), my knee-length black high-heel boots, my black wig, and, of course, loads and loads of face-changing makeup. I will then head back out to the bar on my own, sidel up somewhere within his view, and let the evening unfold as it will.

Sounds like fun to me.

Stomach In Knots

2006-01-05T13:26:00.000-08:00

Hate having food poisoning. Missed a day at the office because I was up intermittently all night last night. Almost vomited in my hand on the way to the bathroom. Yikes!

Anyhow, the trip is wearing off. Funny how quickly experience fades. Looks as if a bomb went off in my bedroom with all the unpacking and sorting, etc.

Bought great boots and two leather coats in Barcelona. Barcelona is fantastic. Edinburgh and London were so-so. Edinburgh was the better of the two.

Christmas was fantastic, too. Loved hanging with RoomyEx and her family. It came to a sudden end, however, when the brother in law got drunk and started arguing with the Mum. He demanded we leave right then and there (about 10:00 p.m. Christmas night). We left the next morning, one day ahead of schedule. Mum has sworn she'll never speak to him again. Ah, family.

Don't feel much like posting. Feeling kind of crummy with my stomach.

Gotta take down the Christmas tree, too. I have YellowDog today. That always makes me happy. Anyhow, gonna go. See ya.

I'm Baaaaaaack

2006-01-04T17:13:00.000-08:00

Holy cow! Did I have the best trip in my life? I sure as fuck did.

Can't type much now tho because I started vomiting about half-an-hour ago. Ah well, hopefully it's only a 24-hour food bug.

I love traveling with RoomyEx. Not a cross or strained word between the two of us. I was feeling so good I wanted to stop taking my psych meds.

"That's what all crazy people say," laughed RoomyEx when I expressed my feelings out loud.

How right she is.

Access Denied

2005-12-23T03:23:00.000-08:00

I'm in the UK airport and tried to access my blog, but it was deemed unacceptable or inappropriate. Guess it must be my swearwords? Who knows.

Just got off my flight and am killing time.

Ah well. Gonna go look out the window.

Bye.

Last Stop

2005-12-21T18:50:00.000-08:00

I'm on my way to Europe for a couple of weeks tomorrow so I probably won't post for a while.

Sad session at HeadShrinker's tonite.

Feeling rather melancholy over the last day and a half.

That's about it.

Jolly holidays to all y'all. Nite.

Lament

2005-12-16T14:19:00.000-08:00

I'm hosting this year's annual Secret Santa. I've set the table with the silver and china. Why not? Who else ever comes over? Besides, it's a holiday party. Might as well enjoy the stuff I have, right?

So I'm scurrying around cleaning the house. Always good to have guests, as it forces one to clean the house.

* * * *

Things, as usual, are the shits with Rover. We just don't get along. Try as we might, we always end up in an argument. And not even over anything concrete. We just don't know how to communicate with one another. I don't understand it. We used to talk so well. Now he thinks I'm trying to "manipulate" him, or "pressure" him. These words over my telling him I would love to help him organize his files and boxes (which are taking over his house).

And he keeps offering up compliments prefaced by statements such as, "I still love Lips but... I really love you," or "For all the time I had a relationship with Lips, well, I still do have a relationship with Lips... I've never wanted to share my sexual fantasies with her and talk with her the way I do with you." And when he says those things, a switch in me flips and my face turns to concrete and my heart sinks. And then he gets mad at me because I am upset by his words. And he takes an angry tack.

What are we doing together? Last night and this morning when I woke up, I laid in bed besides him wondering what the hell I was doing there, wondering whether we would get together on Sunday and celebrate our "Christmas" together before I leave for Europe, wondering if I would give him the gifts I bought for him or keep them for myself, because I almost don't want to exchange gifts. It seems disingenuous somehow.

As I drove home this morning, I thought about the life I'd shared with RacerEx and how much it had meant to me at the beginning. I thought about how companionable we'd been, even after we'd split up, and how wonderful it had been to have someone to share my life with. Rover takes my attempts at wanting to share parts of my and his life as pushing and manipulating. I miss RacerEx. I wish we'd been able to resolve our sexual problems. I wish I'd never fallen in love with Rover.

Ah well, I did. And it is over between RacerEx and me. Pity.

I should go clean.

No Such Thing as Trying

2005-12-12T19:03:00.000-08:00

You either do it or you don't.

Today I learned that sometimes, much of the time, I just need to shut the fuck up. Be cool, be patient is right.

Sometimes I'm such a knucklehead.

No Regrets

2005-12-11T11:46:00.000-08:00

So glad I went to the Christmas party. We were all out until almost 3:00. I woke up at 7:00, came home and took the dog for a walk. Hard to imagine on less than four hours sleep after close to six or seven drinks that I don't have a hang over.

The evening started slow and ended hysterical. All the fire chicks were dressed to the nines in boob-a-licious dresses. Who knew we all had boobs? Believe me, the station uniform does little for the feminine figure, which is a good thing I suppose.

One gal, we'll call her Flipper, got exceedingly drunk and, well, very bi-friendly. She came up to me and told me she loved me and then told me I have the best breasts in the world and then she grabbed them in front of her boyfriend and asked him if I didn't have wonderful boobs. Then she pretty much grabbed everybody's boobs, and everyone started feeling everyone's boobs (except me who just got groped but did not groping--don't know why, but I'm just not a public groper). It was all good fun. I've never seen her cut loose before. She was fantastic. She posed for photos, danced with everyone, hugged everyone, kissed us all (nicely, just a light smootch on the lips) and told many of us how much she loves us. Then she dared Rover to kiss me, which he did, and then she told me to please get together with him because she's seen that he's madly in love with me and has been for a very long time (astute observation).

He was looking at me like a love sick cow. Many people noticed, I'm certain. Weird how we can do that considering how much we fight. I am a pro at looking disaffected around him.

At the other end of the spectrum last night was the gal from the station who we'll call Loca, because she's one crazy mother. I mean psycho. What I mean by that is she has some weird need to acquire, acquire, acquire. She's a hoarder. The space around her bed in the dorm looks like a cyclone hit. No one else keeps anything around their beds, with the exception of some books or magazines or a picture or two. She also is one of the most ambitous people I've ever met (another means of acquiring more stuff is to make more money). And she hates being a mother. I mean hates it. She comes to work and takes her shoes off and turns her phone off and escapes from her family. She makes no excuses. When her kids whine and ask why she's never home, she just says, "Some people are just better mothers than others, and I'm not one of them." This, to 8, 6 and 5-year olds. Unbelievable. Sometimes she doesn't go straight home after work but over to a friend's house and then lies to her husband about where she's been because she just doesn't want to deal with her kids.

Anyhow, she has one of the nicest husbands in the world. I'm sure he's not perfect and can probably be tough to be with because he has very high standards and ethics and holds himself to a level of excellence to which very few can compete. He is beautiful. His body, amazing. His personality, gentle and warm. He is a dedicated father. And he is married to psycho Loca who just complains about how he cages her in and is dampening her free spirit. Get this, he expects her to come home and take care of their children when he's at work and often when he's home too. What a bastard, huh? Yeah, a real son of a bitch. And he wants her to call and check in during the day or tell him if she's not coming home or what's on her schedule. Again, what a controlling bastard. Who would expect one's wife and the mother of their children to aprise them of their schedule? Anyhow, she's crazy.

So to make a long story longer, Loca sat at one side of the bar last night bashing her lovely man who had disappeared to some far corner, no doubt. She wasn't mad because he wasn't hanging near by, she was mad at him because he didn't put in his application for a promotion. And I quote, "I just wanted to drive him over a cliff," she said in all seriousness and with gusto. Off a cliff! "He's going to lose me someday and then he'll be sorry!" Uhhhh.... yeah, but probably only because of all the incredible debt you're going to stick him with.

So on one side of the room we had lovely drunk Flipper, kissing everyone and showing her breasts and on the other side of the room sat Loca, alone, talking to whoever would listen about driving her husband off a cliff.

I woke up laughing about it all.

So that was my night. I'd better hop to and get in the shower.

Pancake Make Up

2005-12-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

Oh, okay, I'll go to the stupid Christmas party...

Festivities

2005-12-10T10:11:00.000-08:00

Went to Cirque du Soleil "Corteo" with girlfriends last night. It was visually lovely, but the second act lagged far behind the first, and I quickly wished it would end. Some people gave a standing ovation at the end, but by no means were they in the majority. I suppose it was good to get out, tho.

Tonight is the Station Christmas Party. I'm thinking of playing hookie. My heart is just not in it. I don't want to trudge the 40 miles into the City, pay to park my car, make stupid, meaningless conversation with the retirees I know little and care nothing about, and then watch people get drunk and inappropriate.

Yes, I'm seriously thinking of just sending RacerEx and email and asking if I can have YellowDog tonight instead of tomorrow and then curling up with her on the bed with a movie or a book. I love my dog. I can hardly wait to see her.

I think I'll write to him now.

Gotta go to the gym too.

See ya.

Calvin and His Snowmen

2005-12-08T15:12:00.000-08:00

If you can't see them because they're too small, click on them, they enlarge. Made me smile, laugh out loud even. I miss Calvin and Hobbes.

Happy Miser

2005-12-07T18:28:00.000-08:00

PB pointed me in the direction of dream interpretation.

You'll all be pleased to know that having a bowel movement in public (in a dream, of course) is a good omen and money is coming my way!

Who'd a thunk it?

New Low

2005-12-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

I just spent 20 minutes seaching the Net for and looking at topless pictures of Jennifer Aniston.

I think I'll go upstairs now and get a life. Jeeez!

Dreams -- Rated XXX

2005-12-07T07:38:00.000-08:00

CAUTION: this post is not for the squeamish or prudish, as it contains disgusting graphic sexual and fecal images! You've been warned.

* * * *

My sleep pattern has changed of late. Don't know if it's stress or the Wellbutrin, but I'm not sleeping as long or as deeply as I was over the last month or two. Not napping as much, either. I'll take it as a good sign, with the exception of waking up in the middle of the night and having a difficult time getting back to sleep, but perhaps I just need to stay up a little later from now on.

Anyhow, I've been dreaming more, too. I guess that has to do with the fact that I'm not sleeping so heavily. I like to dream, and like even more to remember my dreams. Problem is, my dreams are kind of disturbing lately.

For example, the night before last, I dreamt I was having sex with my mother. Yes, my mother. She was going down on me and had her fingers in me, etc. And I didn't think there was anything wrong with it....until I woke up. Ick! Blech! Ugh! I know part of that dream came from a discussion I had with Rover just before bed, but still....

Last night I dreamt about my old rival Rachel (no pseudonym necessary because she's a long-gone figure from my high-school years). Anyhow, I haven't dreamt about Rachel in god knows how long. Over the years in my dreams, she and I have become friends. I came to terms with her at night, so that was a good thing. Anyhow, last night, Rachel and I picked up our friendship. We were talking about whatever and then she stepped into a curtained room and was naked. I was pleased to finally get to take a look at her body. She pointed to her stomach which had become slightly fat and sagging and talked about getting older, etc. and that it was difficult to keep one's tum in check as one got older. The next thing I know, I'm taking a shower. But I have to take a bowel movement while in the shower and so I push my bowels just ever so slightly. Before I know it, there's shit everywhere. I'm trying desparately to clean up before I'm discovered, but all of a sudden Rachel is standing there with the curtain pulled back looking at me. I apologize, telling her it had been an accident. I'm embarrassed, to be sure. She makes me get out of the shower.

So, again, YUCK! Where did that come from???

The Surface of Things

2005-12-06T19:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to do the real work. I don't know how to delve below the surface too far. As I told HeadShrinker today, I don't know how to get into my psyche, because my moods, desires and opinions change hourly. She delved into the men I choose: those with very defined and/or rigid ideas of who they are and what path they're on. Also, I choose men who also don't delve into their own psyches. I guess I attach to defined and rigid men because I feel so lacking in structure. I have no set definition of self, so I latch onto men who do. Interesting.

Funny that HeadShrinker does not try to convince me to get away from Rover or tell me that our relationship is unhealthy--and I have tried to be very honest with her about what goes on and has gone on. I wish I could get him in there. It would be so much easier to articulate to him if I had an "interpreter."

RacerEx is lame. It's so difficult to communicate with him. Perhaps I am not clear, but it's as if he doesn't read my complete email. Even if it's short and to the point.

I said I wanted to pick up the dog on Sunday using a key he left behind for me and asked him if he was comfortable with that. Then I said he could retrieve the dog on Monday after he gets off of work using the key he already has, if he still haves it. How does he respond? He tells me he's not going away next weekend and to let him know if I still want the dog this weekend. Arrrrrgh!

There are ants in my house.

I'm gonna go watch T.V. Boob tube. Nite.

Shrink or Swim?

2005-12-02T20:16:00.000-08:00

I want a new car, but I'm not sure I can afford the payments. And then I remember that I am paying HeadShrinker $110 per session four times a month. Just about the same as a car payment. Jeez, seems like a pretty obvious choice. Don't feel like I'm getting too much from HeadShrinker laterly, but I guess I should stick with it for a while...

* * * *

RacerEx sent me an email. It said he'd seen Rover and me sitting together in the bar the other night and that he didn't know what to do--come in or go away. He went away. Then he asked me if I'm dating Rover. I told him no. I lied. Not so much for myself or as a strategy to make RacerEx feel better or feel as if I'm available to him, but because I know Rover doesn't want it out yet that he's dating. Technically, he just broke up with Lips a few weeks ago, so I think out of respect for her, I can wait to spread the news around. Besides, I'm not ready either. I'm not sure if I want to go public, now or ever. I need more time to figure out what I'm doing.

It's honestly nice to be communicating with RacerEx again, but it does bring up some questions, issues, mixed emotions. But I'm not going to get sucked in again. I'm not going to put my heart out there for him to stomp on. Nope.

I just want my dog back.

Things Fall Apart

2005-11-29T14:13:00.000-08:00

Knew the good mood couldn't last.

So I've upped my dose.

Added 1/2 pill in the mornings. We'll see how that does. I'll tell my doctor later. If things aren't going well at that level I'll have to see her again and talk.

Got pissy with Rover this morning and we had an argument. He told me he wasn't seeing Lips anymore (altho that wasn't what the argument was about). It was more about the my role in his life and his need for total autonomy. He got really angry, finally saying, "You know what? I've done nothing wrong here." And you know what? He was right. It's me. It's not him. I just don't accept him the way he does. He's been nothing but nice to me, great to me over the last few weeks, and I'm still not satisfied. So it's not that there's anything wrong with me or with him, it's just that what we have isn't enough for or satisfying to me.

So what am I going to do about it? Accept it for now? Kick it to the curb? Take a look at what I really am looking for and then go after it? I dunno. HeadShrinker seems to think Rover is a distraction, someone who keeps me from confronting what I want and/or need.

Perhaps she is right. She probably is. Anyhow, gotta go.