Eyes Wide Open

I've been having a bit of insomnia again lately. Like tonite. Like last night. Grrrrr. Insomnia usually brings negative thoughts/ruminations with it. Last night I took a sleeping pill. I just took one again about 15 minutes ago. I can't do negative thoughts. They just keep me awake.

Besides, I've been feeling lonely for the last two days. I've been off work for a long time now since the ankle sprain and it's truly time to get back to work. My house is immaculate; my yard is fairly well tended. I can't sit home and clean anymore.

So, yeah, I'm a bit lonely.

Lonely for Rover, that is. Part of it is that I've spent the last four days alone and have only spent one night with him since Sunday. Tomorrow I have class, so I won't get to spend the day with him. Part of it is that I'm looking to the future. There's a promotional exam coming up in late November and he has to study for it. I understand that, and I will try to be good, but I know it's going to take him away from me. He says he wants to study with me next to him, but I know that won't work. It never does. He never gets anything done when we're together. He has to isolate himself from me. Besides, he's formed a study group with some other guys (and I'm not included), so he'll be with them. And then there's his legal work. And the firehouse.

And now I have a class every Saturday for a while.

So. It's not looking so good for us.

I'll try to be patient. But patience is not my strong suit, not a virtue I possess.

So I worry. Fret. Feel lonely.

I've been busy lately, but it still doesn't make up for coming home every night to an empty house and an empty bed.

I worry it's a sign of things to come, things that have arrived.

After all, after the "honeymoon" phase is over, don't we all just default back to the way we've always been? And his M.O. is busier than god.

Alas, I fear.

* * * * *
Good news is I've been working out like a mo-fo. I feel good. More energetic than when on the Celexa.

My innards are still giving me some trouble tho. I've been in pain for the last several weeks. The pain is localized and has increased, becoming sharper. I have more tests to come, altho my biopsy from the other day was normal. So that's good. Next I get an ultra sound. They've yet to do bloodwork. Hope it's something simple.