Clear

Been weeks since I've had any booze.

Started taking vitamins like Mom told me to.

I've tapered off my Celexa and have been on 1/4 pill (5 mg) for the last four days. Saw a psychiatrist today who told me 5 mgs is probably "sub-therapeutic" and I might as well just stop taking the pills altogether. I'm gonna continue for a day or two tho.

I feel good.

Clear headed.

I've cried a few times over a few things: remembering my dead best friend, watching a movie, thinking about how sad I felt when I was so depressed about my losing RacerEx and the prospect of losing Rover too.

But they weren't depressing kinds of cries. I was sad, to be sure, but only for the moment.

* * * *
What if the fact simply is I've had a difficult, depressing life? What if the fact is that my life is good now and no longer depressing? Is it possible not to be depressed anymore?

God I hope so.

I mean, my childhood sucked. Dad was drunk and violent; Mom ineffectual. My wonderful stepdad died; Mom was a mess. Pedophile boyfriend moved in; Mom was self-absorbed and in denial. No one helped me through it, helped me cope. Marijuana, drugs and cynicism took me through. At least I dated nice men. But they couldn't help.

So I collapsed. But now I feel better. I'm working through it all. I'm drug free and, well, sober too. Not that I really had a drinking problem, but I still had alcohol in my system. And I do think it contributed to some bad feelings--and some stupid fights between Rover and me.

I still sleep a lot. And I still have a long way to go. But I'm going. And that's what matters, I suppose. It's a process.