Dangling Conversation

The fine and delicate art of concise expression. It's difficult. Indeed.

I am coming to find that I can discuss everything with Rover. From marriage to having babies to our future as a couple or as individuals. Anything concrete and specific is open for discussion.

Feelings are another story.

For example, last night after a good night out, and after Rover extended several invitations for me to join him with various family members at upcoming events, I mentioned that I felt uncomfortable and apprehensive around his family because of our history, because of their attachment and involvement in his life with Lips, etc. Well, after much talking back and forth, he seemingly had no idea what I was talking about and keept taking the conversation in a different direction. So, as with the other night, I ended up frustrated and exasperated.

This time, unlike last time, I didn't burst into tears. This time, I clammed up; then he got angry and he clammed up; and we both went to bed angry, frustrated and silent. No make up session. No attempt at resolution. Just heavy silence, leaving us to our own private thoughts.... His, dwelling on god knows what. Mine, lingering on hopelessness, the inevitability of our impending dissolution, and, finally, and familiarly, the recognition that I cannot sustain a long-term love relationship with anyone and that I might as well just put a gun to my head and end it all.

What the fuck?

Isn't it amazing how I can come to such a dramatic conclusion in the span of about 10 minutes? What is up with me? Why do I do that to myself? Why is suicide alwasy the inevitable conclusion/solution?

Don't worry. Things are fine. I am okay. Still solid.

Things with Rover are different. He is strong. Stronger than RacerEx was/is. He helps me back to square one. I am shaken, but I am still whole.

* * * *
Last Saturday, I started upping my Celexa doses again. Things have been rocky with me emotionally for the last week or two, so.... I mean, look at last night's thought pattern. Not so good. Better to take the drugs and not let my mind drift to that dark place.

It's such a struggle to maintain balance.

But I will continue trying. With help, if that's what it takes.

* * * *
I remain grateful for the life I have. I enjoy my days and have a new, better attitude at the firehouse again. I needed an attitude adjustment.

Now if the sun would only come out again.

Gotta go.