Wow
Sapphire: it's amazing to think that I could help anyone think more clearly about themselves....
What you said makes perfect sense, but in regards to being 100% committed to Rover, I don't really want to be. It's too risky emotionally. I agree with the whole meditative resolve concept. I think one can project one's circumstances so that one's situation becomes what one envisions. But with Rover, I'm afraid to give into bliss. Knowing what I know about him; believing what he has told me about himself, his past, his desires (about who he is); and trusting my intuition, being 100% committed to him is nothing short of foolish.
And I can't even speak to the concept of "nurturing a good relationship" with Rover. I can't honestly say that we have a "good relationship." We get along well, most of the time, but we don't have a lot in common. I don't know if we're particularly good for one another. I don't know what we have. I care for him, care about him, love him even. He makes me laugh, etc. But we kind of just exist together. And I don't know if I really want anything to be different. Emotionally, it's kind of all I'm up for right now.
And his lack of commitment to monogamy really doesn't fit with who I am. I hate having to wonder about what he's doing when he's not with me. I've never been with anyone I don't "trust." But it's not even a trust issue, because he has given me fair warning and I have accepted the terms. But I don't like waiting for the announcement that he has met someone. It's a little unsettling.
But, in some ways, you are right. Perhaps nurturing this relationship in a consistently positive way will transform it into something it is not. Perhaps doing so will give it forward motion, will help it progress. After all, relationships are fluid.
2 Comments:
Oh good grief!!!! You cannot make a situation something it is not, no matter how much you meditate on it or wish for it, and it does no good to be 100% committed to anything if you are the only one who is committed. You just cannot, no matter how much you want to, make ANYTHING particularly a relationship be what YOU want it to be, not unless the other person feels the same. (Note: weird sentence, but you get my drift) Sounds like you & Rover are on different "relationship planes", but then you always have been (at least for as long as I have known you). You have been keeping a good head on your shoulders about all this. Continue to do so. You are doing great. I think Rover is your transitional person-the real deal will come along when you have grown & healed enough to recognize him...& when the time is right for both of you. Trying is only a good thing if you BOTH are trying & working toward the same goal.
Keep the faith, dear girl!! I am proud of your progress.
Blessed be...
i totally agree that the meditative commitment to change ONLY works if the 2 people are on the same page about commitment. i didn't realize that rover was not into monogamy. in that case, i agree with sleepless in oklahoma and your intuition that rover is just a transition: great for now, but not necessarily someone to invest too much energy into.
but if he were to become interested in monogamy, then i go back to what i said: one can bring about new realities. it's not about wishful thinking: it's about living in a new way. but again, if he is not willing to try monogamy, it would not make sense to commit yourself to him any more than what you're doing now.
thank you again for sharing all this. i really wish you all joy. i have been having my own share of confusion in the boy arena, so it helps to hear that i'm not the only one trying to figure this stuff out!
:)
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