Love of My Life

Here's some of our email exchange (RacerEx and Me)

RacerEx: hate to rain on your happiness parade, but it would have been nice if you would have been as loyal to me as you areto him, and don't kid yourself to think it was as simple as I didn't want you like he does.

I wrote him some long emails, but then sent him one this morning:

Me: One questionI have one question for you: Am I the love of YOUR life? Please answer. Don't ignore this email and not reply. It's a very important question. For both of us.

RacerEx: Not a simple answer. I feel so angry and screwed up. I don't have a love of my life, and I feel so detached from everyone and everything, that I don't even think it is possible. Yesterday was awful [working with you]. Much worse than I thought it would be. Thank god [Rover] wasn't there. Bad enough watching you flirt with [Mickey] and listening to his comments. [By the way, I wasn't flirting with Mickey.] So that will definitely be my last detail to [your station]. So like I said I am too angry to really talk about this. I did have agood time, but it sure ended on a sour note.

So here's how I left it.

Me: I am sorry you are angry and fucked up. I want you to be happy. Truly I do.

But I think it is important that both of us know and understand that I am not the love of your life. As I told you when I left the other night, you ARE the love of my life, and it is sad for me to know it is not mutual.

Meeting that girl Julie coming out of your house last summer was a slap in the face but also a wake-up call and it enabled me to begin to let go.

At that moment, I truly understood I was not the love of your life, that you didn't want me anymore. I knew it last January when you told me you didn't want to come home. I knew it when you made it clear in your hallway that you did not want to try again, to patch things up and to work on getting back to a better place. I knew it long ago when you didn't want me to break up with [Rover], when you told me you didn't want monogamy with me. I knew it, but I couldn't accept it.

But now I have come to accept that I am not the love of your life. To get over it, I have done a lot of work over the last year and a half. I have been through hell coming to terms with the loss of you. I suffered true depression and wanted to kill myself, and I am not being dramatic. But I am much, much better. I am well. Content with my life right now. Celexa is probably the main reason why, but I also spent time alone, time in therapy, etc. I may wallow in pity, but I do try to confront my problems and fix them--like I did in going to that sexual surrogate. I don't want to be broken in any way, emotionally, sexually, etc.

Knowing I am not the love of your life should be a positive realization for you, one that should release you from your anger towards me and help you move on. It's okay that I am not the love of your life. You don't have to patch things up with me. What we have is special. We are still bonded. We get along great and we still share a perv factor.

Who knows. Maybe someday we can both be in the same place emotionally and sexually and get together again for a threesome or just the two of us. But now is not the time. For me, for you. You need to do some work. You need to find an end to your confusion. And you will if you do something to find out what's going on with you.

So stop being angry at me. Really.

I think you are capable of finding love. I know you are. You did love me, were in love with me. Don't forget that fact. Love is rare, but we found each other. But I guess our time passed. Or it changed. Perhaps we will have a time again. I don't know. Who ever knows? We fucked it up. All we can do the next time is endeavor not to repeat the same mistakes.

I really, really think you should seek out some counseling or at least consider Celexa, even if it means temporary impotence (at least you have Cialis). You are very angry--have been for a long time now--and yet you seem fine on the outside. You have been emotionally detached for so long now. Don't you want to move past that? There's so much more. You don't have to be detached. It will be good to exercise your anger and release it.

Why not start now and be done with it?

I know you're mad at me, and perhaps we can't see each other until you're ready. Perhaps we can't ever see each other again. That's up to you, and whatever you decide is fine. But I do love you still and I am here for you if you need someone.

Okay?

So that's that. I feel how I feel. I'm not stressed, traumatized, drama-ridden, blah, blah, blah. I'm in a bit of a funk. Don't know if that's RacerEx or PMS. I'll chock it up to a little of both.

I am sorry I'm not the love of his life. But it's better I know than pine away waiting for something that exists for me alone. As I said the other post, Rover and I may not be "the ones" for one another; but it's working for now and I'm not stressed out.

So, yeah, that's that.