HDTV Eyes

Ever have one of those days where you see the world very clearly? Yesterday was one of those days. I don't know if it was the quality of sunlight or if it was that the buildings were clean because of the recent storms or if it was better than usual visibility or if my senses were just somehow more acute, but fuck if yesterday wasn't one of the most beautiful days in my memory. I swear it was as if I could see every leaf, every blade of grass, every lamp post, every store front, the small islands way off the coast and all of their small outcroppings of rock, etc. Glorious, glorious day.

I've been in such a good mood lately. Tremendous mood. It's almost as if all the pieces are finally in place. I went to the head shrinker today for the first time since before my trip. We talked about whether or not I should continue. I told her I felt content right now, but that I'd like to explore further some other issues, namely my desire to make some long-term goals for myself, to find an interest or passion and develop it, and to feel more comfortable with my brain power in general as well as my place here on earth as an individual.

We explored how happy I was while I was away on my trip. And I was. The overwhelming feeling on that trip was that I felt good and that I did not miss Rover, that my happiness and moods were independent of him (or at least thrived in his absense), and that I was capable of feeling really good ON MY OWN!!!

That happiness has carried over to my life here at home and I long to nuture it. However, I don't want it to be dependent on another person, namely Rover. I want to generate my own happiness, to live a cheerier existence and not look for the proverbial shoe to drop to dash it all away.

Therapy today was a little upsetting, and I don't want to be upset. I know it might take tears to do some of the hard work, but I really do want to enjoy the happiness I am feeling without analyzing my entire existence to pieces. Perhaps I should just take a therapy sabbatical, give myself a chance to enjoy how I am feeling without pushing for the "what's next" or "now what" uneasiness I so often feel with my life.

I am happy.
I am busy.
I am content.
I am in love.
I feel productive.
I have events to look forward to.
I am being proactive with my social life.
I am not ruminating and overanalyzing everything.
I am drinking much, much less, much less often.
I am exercising.
I have friends.
I am eating better, well even.
I am sleeping at night.
I have energy.
I am interested in my life.

What more do I want right now? Not much. I think I'll go to one more session and talk about taking a break and perhaps scheduling a session for after my return from Italy.

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By the way, I bought tickets to see both David Sedaris, who I think is hysterical and to see Terry Gross, who a personal hero of mine. I wish I could interview Terry Gross. I should write up a question or two to ask, in case they ask for questions from the audience. I LOVE her.

All right, that's it now. Better go start a load of laundry.

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Oh yeah, my house is mess. Not really, but it's not as clean as I like it to be. In so saying, I think of you O.K. who once posted about the state of your house and how you don't clean neurotically anymore for the company who never comes. Guess what? Neither do I. Hee, hee. I do want a maid, tho....