Lament

I'm hosting this year's annual Secret Santa. I've set the table with the silver and china. Why not? Who else ever comes over? Besides, it's a holiday party. Might as well enjoy the stuff I have, right?

So I'm scurrying around cleaning the house. Always good to have guests, as it forces one to clean the house.

* * * *

Things, as usual, are the shits with Rover. We just don't get along. Try as we might, we always end up in an argument. And not even over anything concrete. We just don't know how to communicate with one another. I don't understand it. We used to talk so well. Now he thinks I'm trying to "manipulate" him, or "pressure" him. These words over my telling him I would love to help him organize his files and boxes (which are taking over his house).

And he keeps offering up compliments prefaced by statements such as, "I still love Lips but... I really love you," or "For all the time I had a relationship with Lips, well, I still do have a relationship with Lips... I've never wanted to share my sexual fantasies with her and talk with her the way I do with you." And when he says those things, a switch in me flips and my face turns to concrete and my heart sinks. And then he gets mad at me because I am upset by his words. And he takes an angry tack.

What are we doing together? Last night and this morning when I woke up, I laid in bed besides him wondering what the hell I was doing there, wondering whether we would get together on Sunday and celebrate our "Christmas" together before I leave for Europe, wondering if I would give him the gifts I bought for him or keep them for myself, because I almost don't want to exchange gifts. It seems disingenuous somehow.

As I drove home this morning, I thought about the life I'd shared with RacerEx and how much it had meant to me at the beginning. I thought about how companionable we'd been, even after we'd split up, and how wonderful it had been to have someone to share my life with. Rover takes my attempts at wanting to share parts of my and his life as pushing and manipulating. I miss RacerEx. I wish we'd been able to resolve our sexual problems. I wish I'd never fallen in love with Rover.

Ah well, I did. And it is over between RacerEx and me. Pity.

I should go clean.