Sinking In

I picked up a book called Why Men Prefer Bitches at the book store the other day. I'm not normally one for pop psychology, but this one caught my eye and, when I skimmed the contents, the text was interesting to me.

So I read it. It talks a lot about putting oneself in the position of doormat rather than strong, self-respecting woman, and, as I read, I realized what I've known inside all along: I let Rover treat me like a doormat. The book really spoke to me; I could relate to all of it, and I mean every chapter. And somehow, the advice I read really sunk in.

So I decided to begin applying it, to Rover, to my life, etc.

I've made (and may continue to make) a few tactical errors, but today I put the strongest one into effect. I turned him down for a date.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know I mentioned tactics, and I am trying to employ some certain strategy, but I'm honestly not trying to play games. I turned down his offer to see me today because it came (1) only after I asked him to ask me out and (2) after already asking him on Wednesday what his plans were for this weekend.

When I asked him Wednesday what his plans were for this weekend, he told me he didn't know. When I asked if he'd like to do something with me, he waffled and again said he didn't know what his plans were. He offered up no explanation of what tentative plans he may have or what his goals were for the weekend. I told him I considered "I don't know" a "no" and that I would make other plans.

He made no offer to see me at another time in the future. I told him I would appreciate his asking me to do things in advance and also that he could not take me and my availability for granted while at the same time not being my boyfriend. (Hope that makes sense to you all.)

Anyhow, his plans for this weekend fell through (he was going to go visit his son, who flaked on him). Concurrently, and because it is driving me nuts that he doesn't seem to want to make plans with me, I slipped him a note last night that said "Ask me out!!!" and told him it was driving me crazy. This morning he passed me a note, entitled Invitation, with plans for today: 9:00--coffee at Starbucks; 10:00 watch football game in bed and nap; 12:00--drinks at our favorite bar; 2:00 drive through country.

Very sweet and cute.

But very last minute.

So, no, I don't have any big plans today. But I haven't been home in four days and I have stuff to do--mundane stuff, like mowing the lawn and going to the gym, but stuff I'd planned to do because I had no plans, because he wouldn't make plans with me. And as I sat there looking at his invitation, I thought, "Well, if he comes up at 9:00, I can't go the gym. And if we're going to spend all day in bed, I can't get anything done." And, honestly, I can mow the lawn tomorrow. I can. But why should I push my plans aside at the last minute because all his better plans fell through?

I shouldn't. Right?

And it's not that I don't want to see him. Because I do. His described day sounds ideal to me. I love that kind of day.

And it's not that I'm inflexible. I am happy to go with the flow and change plans to accommodate other people's schedules.

But not on these terms.

If we had some established, respectable pattern of a relationship, well, then, sure, of course. I understand his need and desire to see his kid and to spend the night because it's a long drive. But this is not an isolated incident. The last-minute dates are the rule, not the exception. And I don't want to do it that way anymore. It's not fair, it's not respectful, and it makes me feel bad.

So I turned him down. And I told him why, too. That book I read talks about not having a bunch of emotional discussions but making talks bottom-line discussions, the kind of discussions men have with other men, the kind they understand. And I probably shouldn't have explained myself at all, because the book talks about talking issues to death and nagging and stuff, but I wanted to be clear. I wanted him to know that I need for him to show me that I factor in and am not just the there's-nothing-better-to-do-today-so-I'll-show-up-at-Morgan's-house person.

Because I don't want to be that person.

So it's about me. Not about him.

I gave him some other dates to see me, all of which he told me he was busy. I simply nodded my head, okay.

I am afraid that he won't come around anymore, that he will not want to see me. But I need to know. But it's more than that. My time and my heart are valuable and precious. If not to him, well, then to me.

So that's where I am today. I am apprehensive. I am sad not to be spending time with someone I love but instead will be pushing the mower over my lawn, but this is how it is. Those were plans and they are the things I will do. Or not. But it is up to me to decide. Not him.