No Change

I had a dream this morning. It was more auditory than visual. In it, I hear my voice say, "Hi, Rover," as if I'm calling him on the phone. I hear his voice, loud and clear and disapproving, "Hello, Morgan."

His voice was so stern and loud that it jolted me awake.

I am so tired. No amount of sleep seems enough.

I went back over my old blogs to see where I stood after my break up with Rover back in May/June. Back then, I started to feel better after 10 days or so of not being with him. Back then, leaving him was a matter of life or death.

And now? Now I am more empty than ever. In assessing my life I see so little. I have no interests, no hobbies, no desires. I am bored and boring. People keep saying, "Get out, get a hobby, volunteer," blah, blah, blah, like it's some simple task. Taking on a hobby implies one has an interest in doing something, that one is not frozen in time, that one's brain is open to and accepting of new things. That one has interest. I have no interest in anything. Believe me, I have searched my brain; I have searched the internet. There is nothing I want to do. Nothing. I am motivated by nothing. I don't want to read, I don't want to crochet, I don't want to go places on my own and be in my own head, sharing my experience with no one. I just don't.

It's not that I wish I were dead, because I can't even wrap my head around that concept, I just wish I were more interested in life. My brain feels empty. My heart feels empty.

All I know is I am sad and that I am tired of burdoning the people around me with my misery. And it's not as if people can even sympathize. I have been living a secret life for so long that people think I'm still all hung up over RacerEx. And I'm not. Well, not really. But I do regret the loss of that relationship. I do see it as one more failure. I do see it as one more time when I could not see the goodness that was right in front of me.

Still, I will head out in a few minutes to run around the bird refuge, to once again try to do the 2.5 miles I have been unable to finish in weeks now. Then I will head over to the gym and go through the motions there, because it is necessary.

I am going out with RoomyEx tonight. I am not looking forward to it. I am not good company. But I feel I must. I can't even put on a happy face anymore. I just feel so bad.

It kills me that Rover doesn't like me, that he seemingly fell out of love with me. Now I better understand the pain RacerEx must have felt as he watched my feelings for him disappear. It is so sad.

I just want to sit at home, watch sad movies and cry.