Heartfelt Amends
So I should make heartfelt amends to all I have hurt? I don't even know how to do that. I've tried. All I've accomplished is that now everyone hates me. I don't know how to apologize to Racer Ex anymore. I have already apologized to him, sincerely and honestly and from my heart. What did he do? He kicked me. I cannot apologize for RacerEx's inviting me over when some girl was there; I cannot apologize for his being dishonest with me. I cannot take back the hurt and anger he recently made me feel, and I don't really feel bad for saying horrible things to him. I cannot and I will not apologize for him hurting me so recently. Besides, he has now cut me off completely, so it is impossible to apologize, even if I wanted to. And I don't.
And I cannot apologize to Rover for asking for my stuff back. I cannot apologize for him not loving me enough to want to be with me. I cannot apologize for being weak and for letting him only come around when he felt like it, regardless of how it made me feel.
I cannot apologize for destroying everything that I have ever felt dear. I cannot apologize for having no dreams, for having no goals, for feeling like a failure. I have tried going through the motions of success and happiness. I have volunteered, exercised, taken classes, tried to love someone, been kind, been tough, etc.
In vain, I have tried.
I cannot make anything work.
The only conclusion I can come to at this point is that I am a worthless, miserable person.
Life for me is not an adventure. It is torture. For years now. For YEARS! Things have not gotten better. They have gotten worse. I cannot undo what is already done.
I am who I am and I cannot change that. I have tried to live honestly. I just don't.
What's the fucking point.
2 Comments:
Boy, are you in a mood!! I don't really know what to say or how to respond. I think you are just being happy wallowing in the misery. Unfortunate!! I'm sorry for you, & I am sorry you find life so miserable. Perhaps when you take responsibiity for your own happiness & for the messes you have made in your past things will get better. Until then...just keep struggling along feeling sorry for yourself. In my opinion, life is way too short for this kind of negativity. I had to find another way to live...& I did. You could too, but you have to want it & be willing to do some very hard work on yourself to get it. Obviously that is not where you are in your life, yet.
You are NOT worthless.
We all muck up our lives, but it is how we clean up the mess & proceed from there that really matters. So what if Rover & RacerEx are upset? That is their choice. You have explained & apologized so just move past it all. No one can dictate how you feel but you. No one else can affect your moods & feelings unless you allow it. Ultimately, we each choose whether or not to be happy, content, serene, & peaceful. Some people just cannot live that way, they relish & thrive on upheaval, bad moods, negativity, drama, etc. You have to decide which kind of person you want to be. It is your choice & yours alone.
Take care of yourself. I do care what happens to you.
Namaste`
So...how are you this week?
blessed be...
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