Going Through The Motions

My spirits are so low.

It seems to me that the only pure slumber, the only actual silence, the only peace comes with death.

I spent most of my afternoon Sunday at a baby shower, during which all I wanted to do was come home and put a bullet into my temple.

I spent yesterday in much of the same state, and as I lay in bed waiting to drift off to sleep, I thought about all the responsibilities I have to others and how inconvenient it would be to them for me to suddenly off myself.

I continue to put on my front, to go through the motions of living in front of others, to do the work I have promised, to be where I have said I will be.

I called my old therapist today. Hopefully, we can get some work done. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I can no longer remember a time when I was happy. I honestly don't think I've ever been happy for longer than just a day or two at a time. Unfortunately, now my unhappiness is coupled with lonliness and, like I said, self-loathing.

I am adrift.

I just want to go upstairs and go to sleep. Perhaps I will.