Full Gamut

Turns out Rover is more seriously injured than I'd thought. He might need surgery as a result of the accident. Not good.

I called him last night because I was surprised to see that he is still off of work. He was anything but friendly. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he was still angry from my last message.

"What message?" I asked, searching my brain. I haven't left him any messages.

"The one where you asked for your panties back." I had called him and asked for my stuff back, namely a pair of my panties of which he is rather fond (enough said).

"What? You're mad at me for asking for my panties back?" I said, incredulous.

"Yeah. You knew it would make me mad. You deliberately asked me for them back to make me angry."

"Uh. No, I didn't. I knew you would be upset, which is why I called you on the phone and asked for them instead of asking for them at work where you have no place to go if you are upset."

"That's bullshit. You did it on purpose to make me angry."

"No, I didn't."

"Well, I don't fucking believe you." Etc., etc. All this while he is yelling at me and I am speaking calmly. Then he tells me he has to go, that he's going out for a drink with a friend.

So we hang up and I am baffled. I don't get it. Why is he so angry with me. I go through all the emotions: indifference, guilt, self-loathing. I don't call him back, but I attempt to send messages to his voice mail via my voice mail, but I erase each in turn because none of them fully express how I'm feeling. With each message, I become more and more upset until I am berating myself, telling him what loser I am, telling him how stupid I feel for calling him in the first place, etc.

But I don't send any of these messages. I erase them all. Finally, I hang up the phone without having left a single message for him.

My upset clears. I think, "Why is he so mad at me? I am perfectly within my rights to ask for my stuff back, especially intimate items that he associates with me sexually. As a matter of fact, if he were a gentleman, he would offer to return my panties without being asked."

And then I start thinking, "What a dick. That is so abusive of him to scream at me like that on the phone for no real reason. He knows how his anger makes me feel. It makes me feel like shit."

And then I think, "You know what, if he wants/needs to be mad at me, that's his deal. I am not going to call him anymore. I have called him too many times as it is. I am weak, that may be true, but I don't need his abuse. Part of respecting myself is not subjecting myself to situations that make me unhappy or especially that make me feel bad about myself as a person. I did nothing wrong or disrespectful in asking for my stuff back. It is unreasonable for him to be angry with me."

And all my upset fell away. I turned off my phone, popped in a DVD and enjoyed the rest of my evening.