Calm

I feel more steady and calm today than I have for a while. More myself. Don't know quite how to describe it, but perhaps it's just good not to have to try so hard anymore. Being with Rover meant keeping up a front all the time--to him, to others, to myself. Now I can just relax. There's a song I heard today by Kelly Clarkson. Think it's called Since You've Been Gone. One of the lines is something like, "Since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time." Here it is:

Here's the thing
we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say
But since you've been gone

I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah

Etc., etc. It fits. So I think for the first time I'm really doing better. I don't know what changed. Perhaps it was just that the time with him this last time was so blank, so nothing.

Still, I asked from him for honesty I was not capable of giving. And he gave it. For that, I give him credit. In many ways, he is a better man than I.

But next time, I don't want to have to work so hard. It doesn't have to be as complicated as we made it, as RacerEx and I made it. It doesn't. I've had it the other way.

For now, there's simply peace.